I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

Not read the whole thread. I have read the OP and a few of the OP's other posts.

I am a single mum to a daughter and a son. I love both equally but very differently, I love my daughter but she is quite "tomboy" and independent compared with my son so I expect her to pull away at some point.

Remembering my first baby myself and my own mother-in-law, however hard and excruciating it might be, the real tester is "Can you as mother-in-law accept that this younger generation has had children, that they are adults with their own lives doing things the way they want to do them and (and here is the real kicker) can you fit in with the way they want to do things in order to be a helpful and positive presence in their life?"

I have not got to that stage (being a mother-in-law) so I feel a bit of a fraud saying the above but I really think the above is the real question around it all. Very few people truly in their hearts are able to look at their adult children and accept (especially if their adult children have had a baby) that their children are totally independent adults doing things their way - and see themselves as the mother-in-law as part of their child's own jigsaw in that context, and not their child as part of their own jigsaw (and so their child should do things their way).

I'm not surprised your son in law finds you a threat, being a new Dad is incredibly stressful and I am sure he senses the "competition" from you.

I think the best thing is to sit as far back as possible in your chair (metaphorically) and say to your daughter (just your daughter first and then if you get that right in the presence of your son in law too if you can do it)
"How can I make myself useful? I cannot do everything but I would like to help or lighten the load for you in some way. What would help?"

And then genuinely listen to the answer they give you and see whether you can contribute in that way.

Yes, he was obviously jealous of her relationship with you and has done everything he can to stop the relationship.

I feel for you OP.

Not necessarily, this is a bit of a leap from the info OP has given. Mothers can be guilty of controlling behaviour too.

My daughter is the same age as yours Op. She emigrated to Australia this week. Her and her DH are planning on having children out there. I will hardly ever see her or my grandchildren. In the nicest ay possible, please try to appreciate what you have - a daughter and grandchild that are close to home. I would love that.

I can absolutely see where you're coming from, OP.

It's interesting that your daughter has told you that her partner has a bad relationship with his own mother and 'resents' that you and your daughter are close. I also think it's interesting that your daughter has cried to you about a few things, including the career situation and the breastfeeding.

I'm wondering if you're so upset not just because you feel that you're seeing your daughter change, but also because you suspect deep down that her partner is controlling/bullying/undermining her?

(I don't think you sound like a snob at all, by the way. I'm from a working class family and I strongly suspect I'd think your daughter's fella was a complete dick.)

If he's controlling, then why does OP just say she resents him, rather than expressing worry for her child and grandchild?

My DH is an only child brought up by his widowed mother. The more she clung to him the more he pushed her away. I used to say to her stop the questioning on everything, stop the remarks about wanting to see him more, do more with him, stop telling him he's been your life for x years as it is counterproductive. She would nod and carry on. It was sad as they never really resolved their differences.

Could this be what is happening?

You are not unreasonable.
We all want was best for pur children and we can see their capabilities and want them to have the best opportunities for them.

I think as you having a child so young is cutting her employment or experiences opportunities but in the end of the day what matters is that she is happy and in a safe relationship.

Regarding breastfeeding I see lot of couples who stop breastfeeding for the dad wishes to give bottles ( be involved in a way). It's sad actually.

Honestly, I think the biggest problem here is expectations.

My MIL had a very specific vision of being a grandparent that I have thus far frustrated unfortunately. She imagined endless "helping and supporting", and although we see them pretty regularly, we don't need regular help - we enjoy our chill routine and have plenty of other people to fit in socially.

She's obsessed with this idea of having all her family around her for all the big events, then gets disappointed that my son isn't keen on spending time being passed from pillar to post and wants to come to me to feed - she'd get a lot more time with him if she didn't insist on having every man and his dog at every occasion.

Thing is, my husband and I also had best laid plans that didn't work out. Planned shared feeding and sleeping routine etc - our son won't take the bottle yet and we cosleep because he refuses the cot.

Expectations make fools of us all.

It really is easier to see my parents, who don't have a set expectation of how we or our son will behave, they just go with what we do and ask what works.

I can totally relate. It happened with my neice...... and my sister struggled so much

Your daughter has chosen to change to fit in (more) with her partner

Those changes are hard for you to see and the change in your daughter is hard for you to cope with

We all change as we get older, but leaving behind basic, strong parts of our personality, during that change, is a bewildering thing to do

I think your daughter feels a level of embarrassment, she knows who she's become and is becoming ....and isn't happy about it - but doesn't know how to claw it all back

What can you do? That's so difficult because talking to her about the changes she's chosen to make but perhaps/probably wishes she hadn't made.....might make her feel more confused and guilty

Its tough. I have no answers

YABU for having opinions on her breastfeeding choices and changing attitude to her career. For many women work just isn't as important to them when they become pregnant and especially when they have a baby to look after.

She is an adult in relationship with a man you say 'loves her' and is 'kind.' She has created a family of her own and rather than being happy for her you have picked out the things you feel are negative changes and resent her for them. It does come across as though you are jealous of their relationship, perhaps having been a single parent yourself? I understand that empty nest syndrome can be very difficult, especially if you don't have a partner, but it is her life.

The way you said 'she USED to be bright' like she isn't anymore just because her priorities have changed and don't align with your vision of what her life should have been is hyper critical and quite possessive. This could be why your relationship with her partner is strained, he has probably picked up on your resentment and feels like he has to compete against you for your daughter.

YANBU

It would be hard to see a loved one change so drastically after meeting a man.

But you say he’s kind and loves her.

he loves her and is a kind man.

And so I would focus on this and know that he’s good for her.

She is an adult and can make her own choices, so although she may have changed since meeting him, it’s through her own choice.

Great post…

I totally agree with this and my mum could have written it.

”how can I help?”
“what do you need?”
are two questions my mum asks me all the time. She’s amazing and we are very close possibly more so since I had my own kids…

She doesn't exist to please you or to fulfill your fantasies.

Please speak to her about how you feel. Your daughter sounds like me in my previous relationship. None of my friends or family spoke to me about how I’d lost myself in that relationship until the relationship ended. I was actually quite hurt by it and would have preferred if someone had helped me see I’d lost my spark.

I think talking to a new mum about how they've 'lost their spark' is the last thing the OP should do! Having a baby and that first year is completely overwhelming for many first time mums and what she should do is be supportive and provide a helping pair of non-judgemental hands. Conversations about where you are heading in life take a lifetime and can happen at any time, not when you are sleep-deprived and feeling vulnerable. Unless she wants to see a lot less of her daughter and grand-daughter of course.

Is it a case of her becoming smaller because he is stifling her or is she becoming less carefree because she has more cares? When she lived in your house, perhaps she didn't have to worry so much about money, bills, insurance, car tax, budgeting, food shopping, laundry etc.
Now she is a mother herself, perhaps she is just getting weighed down with the drudgery of life. It happens to the best of us, especially when you have a baby in the mix and your social life goes out of the window to be replaced by a big heap of endless laundry, sleepless nights and dirty nappies.

I would also be asking myself- do I have a great career? Am I flying high? Am I in a supportive nice relationship (if you want one)? It's easy to see where others are 'failing' rather than turn that scrutiny on oneself. I am a single (lone) parent and I do get it, but my children don't exist to fulfil my ambitions, they have their own and having a settled relationship with a lovely baby may be one of them.

I honestly think this is a case of you knowing her best in her childhood and teens and thinking that is still the case.

I left school more than 20 years ago and have a DC and a job. Not remotely setting the world on fire as the possibility my school career might have dangled. It does make me sad, but I am also not disappointed. I don't have all the answers as to how happy I will be forever, whether I'll continue to be lucky in terms of my relationships, including with my child who's a young teen, whether I will get fired up by ambition or not - or just fired...

For my parents. it's as if I'm still in the phase of youth, energy and potential when I lived at home. I haven't got the time to devote to the creative things that I loved, and that were really easy to participate in because they were offered and supported by school, and I didn't have children or a tiring job, or perimenopausal fun while having to keep on top of it. They give me news of people at my school I barely knew. It's lovely, but - haven't crossed paths for about 20 years. I try to talk about things that happen to me now but I realise that my parents can't really identify or get excited about it either.

She will always be your daughter, OP. But she has a baby of her own and they're quite demanding and never switched off, as anyone will be able to tell you.

I get what you are saying op.

She was upset about the breastfeeding and her career. Has given up her career and is criticised for her values. Yes I would be concerned.

Dating is about looking at someone’s values to see if they align. If having a vegetarian partner isn’t your thing then don’t have date number 2. You don’t date them and criticise their values. The fact is he met an independent, career focused women with values and chose to be with her, surely that is what he found attractive? I’d be concerned as to where this change would lead. Yes people change. But she doesn’t seem totally happy/comfortable with the change.

Also as 50% of marriages fail. Even more if not married. I’d be very concerned her choices will leave her vulnerable. It is hard to pay rent or a mortgage on one income in many areas in the U.K. Plus childcare is extortionate. She is potentially giving up her independence and ability to support herself and her child. I think women should focus on their career so they have choices in life and are not reliant on the good will of their partner. Edited to say This thought comes from seeing so many women in their 50s and 60s experience a lifestyle and financial crisis due to part time wages (sometimes minimum wage) and an unexpected divorce. They struggle with their new situation in a small flat on a minimum wage part time job. Maybe facing retirement with only a small pension. We should be able to rely on our spouse but is that realistic when people gamble or cheat or have midlife crisis or just grow apart?

I get it. I think you need to be there and do things together. Maybe book a day somewhere so you can have fun. A regular walk. A coffee. Bond and improve your relationship and resist speaking your mind. In fact avoid anything that may let your view slip. Don’t let her become isolated.

She may be unhappy but doesn’t want to admit it. Or lost. Or she may be really happy. But you need to forge a strong bond as a priority. Losing yourself and your identity as a new mum is common and I doubt it’s great for mental health. I am not sure what you do about it, but I would have similar worries.

There’s a book ‘the book you want everyone you love to read’ I liked it. Maybe buy a hard copy, read it and leave it on the side when she visits, with your book mark in it. Maybe she will ask to borrow it? It’s an eye catching green! If you are a fixer, you maybe need to find ways to encourage her to fix her problems. Like the unhappiness about career and breastfeeding. If you know this is an issue for you then speak to a decent counsellor (it’s hard to find a good one) to help you communicate well so you can help her.

are we al supposed to walk around being impressed with vegetarians these days?

are we al supposed to walk around being impressed with vegetarians these days?

Oh Lordy. Let's shoehorn in some haw haw! anti-vegetarian humour.

In answer, no we are not.

OTOH it's also not on to subtly undermine us, make fun of us or constantly challenge us.

Hope that's cleared things up for you.

Try to count your blessings, OP. You have a daughter who loves you but is understandably caught up with her own little family just now. You have a lovely new healthy grandchild who you will have years ahead of you to get to know. You have a son in law who loves your daughter and is kind, in your words. Your daughter may have years ahead for a sparkling creative career, just that things may happen in a different order than you might have expected. If SIL doesn't visit your place - great, you get more time with SIL and grandchild. Don't force it, just try and be there for them.

I think it’s difficult to know where the truth lies as it the OPs posts are so self involved and me-oriented

it’s not “looking for advice as I’m concerned about my daughters well being and happiness…”
“her DP seems to be controlling and she isn’t herself… I want her to be happy”

It’s
”I’m not happy, I resent him”
“things have changed for me”
“I do see her diminishing a lot of the things I found special and unique and loveable in her, it just makes me feel so sad“
“i feel like I have lost my best friend”

it makes for quite uncomfortable reading to be honest.

And again… the ambiguity of it all.

The career thing often changes when you have kids. I was ALWAYS ultra career focused… I’m well established and regarded & making into 6 figures but since kids I really struggle to care about it at all….my family is so much more important to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think that’s uncommon

We tell our children that they can have the earth, but the truth is that most of us settle down to a middling, hopefully mostly happy normal that can feel like "underachieving" to those who were our greatest cheerleaders (and often sacrificed to give us opportunities).

I was lots of things... And then I had a baby and was a parent and I was (am still) so tired for lots of reasons. So lots of plans went by the wayside and "having the earth" or even a meaningful conversation will have to wait. Putting one foot in front of the other is good enough for now. Maybe your daughter feels the same.

It's hard to judge relationships from the outside and whether your DD's partner is good for her. Maybe he's controlling and belittling, maybe he's down-to-earth and makes her laugh. But the best thing you can do is just be there for her, without any judgemental preconceived ideas of who she is or what she should be doing.