I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

This is very good advice from @FarleyHatcherEsq

“Just offer subtle reassurance that you would be there if things don't work out. Try to do this without making her defensive, as it's easy to push her into a 'it's me and him against the world' mentality.”

It could be you - but it also could be that your gut is saying her relationship is not making her feel supported and happy and her best self and if that’s the case she may need you very badly in future, so try and keep lines of communication wide open.

Things like the breast feeding - why couldn’t she keep going with that even if her partner wants to give the baby a bottle of formula? It is hard, of course, and it’s nonessential (fed is best) but if she WANTS to persevere with it I definitely get 🚩🚩 if her partner refuses to support that desire, or wants to add a bottle that could be one thing - but if he is making her feel she can’t/shouldn’t be trying or it’s not worth it that’s a bigger problem. Stay alert to what’s going on and try and advocate for her, not just privately but also in front of him. Not by being confrontational but by actively encouraging her to handle feeding the baby as she chooses, talking about how hard it can be and how normal it is to experience difficulties, how exhausting being a new parent is in general etc etc. Maybe he just doesn’t get how important that feels to her. Maybe he genuinely wants to be able to help by getting up 3x a night to feed the baby and put baby back to bed so your daughter can sleep. But maybe he thinks she should be back to giving her body to him/he doesn’t want to share her/he is controlling etc etc.

Provide support. Use every opportunity to remind her of the person she is and how capable and wonderful she is. Do not judge. Watch. Wait.

PS You don’t resent your daughter’s partner. You are worried that he is abusive and controlling.

This may be a good thing to discuss in your therapy as, if you have previous experience of this yourself, it may be a tricky fear to unpack alone.

There has been nothing here that suggests he is abusive and controlling. The OP herself (despite disliking the guy) admits in her first post that he loves her daughter and is kind 🤷‍♀️

Plenty of abusive and controlling men also appear to love their partners and be kind.
Their behaviour in front of others is not the barometer of the potential for coercive and controlling behaviour at home. The real barometer is the way their partners’ well being is evidenced over time.

OP clearly has a gut concern that her daughter hasn’t remained true to herself in recent times. That could be for lots of reasons, and I don’t know a new parent who has felt A1. But OP has identified a concern about her daughter, and about her daughter’s longstanding ambitions and desires being overridden. These are red flags for an abusive relationship. Advising to keep communication open and offer non judgmental support seems very reasonable in the circumstances. As does suggesting OP might want to discuss her fears in therapy, as they may relate to her own past experiences.

@samqueens I agree, but the original poster stated that and nothing that suggests abuse. All the points she has made suggest that she was over-enmeshed with her daughter over the many years that it was just the two of them and is struggling with her daughter wanting different things since leaving home.

@AnnieSnap thats definitely one way to see it and it may well be the case, of course.

But it’s also worth OP bearing in mind that, as someone who has previously experienced abuse herself, she may be prone to doubt and to second guess her gut feelings and to self blame (“I am too enmeshed, I need to handle my feelings” etc) because she has been conditioned at some times in her life, to question herself before she questions anything else. It’s true she’s not asking for help with how to handle her daughter’s abusive relationship - but sadly that doesn’t mean it’s not something to consider.

There are multiple observations in OP’s post that are potentially indicative of abuse.
Hopefully it’s not the case. Just something worth considering…

Wow your daughter has just had a baby & you're coming on MN to complain about her not being 'ambitious' enough for you anymore.

I’m sorry op, but she’s just growing up & that includes growing away from you a wee bit.

Sorry to hear about your operation & I would have thought she would have been there for you given your relationship. Was she struggling with her own health during her pregnancy? She may not have told you so as not to worry you if she was, but it would have impacted on her being there for you.

don’t stress about her losing some career ambition right nod when she’s just piped out a sprog. It completely changes your world view (as you know) but she will get that ambition back when she is ready to.

I wonder if you're having a gut feeling about him because of your own history? My initial feeling reading your first post was that you were perhaps feeling jealous as you weren't seeing as much of your daughter. As your post(s) went on my gut reacted. I suspect this man is controlling your daughter. Domestic abuse often starts, or gets worse, during pregnancy. Isolation from family, friends and even employment is another red flag. I get the feeling that he probably didn't allow your daughter to visit you when you were ill and needed support. This is intended to make you feel she doesn’t care, especially as you describe how he supported his own parent. Continue to be there for your daughter and keep the channels open. Good luck!

My suspicions come from over 2 decades of working with survivors of DA and researching as well as personal experience.

Hi lovely;

Your daughter's priorities have changed and it has left you feeling left behind. It's totally normal. I think that some hobbies, getting out there and meeting other people might help. It's the mark of a good mum that she was your purpose for so long, but now you need to find other purpose and fulfillment.

Re: not visiting/ awkwardness with the SIL. You might think that your thoughts and feelings are not obvious; but behaviour you describe indicates they are aware. I think you need to work on this ...it clearly the elephant in the room and it will fester. If you work on this things will improve.

Regarding your child changing. I was that ambitious girl...I have multiple degrees, travelled extensively, had a professional career. I am now a stay at home mum of two on a council estate. Go figure. Happiness is a funny thing. My time will come again...at the moment my purpose is my kids...then I will find purpose in my own things again. Think of it like that and you may see your daughter's choices differently. And that your SIL is less the obstacle and more her choice for good reason.

Good luck and sending hugs OP ❤️

You are unreasonable, but I understand!

My advice is - get busy. Do lots of interesting things. Enjoy your life.
Let her live her life her way - you can't stop her, so let it go.
Keep in touch with her, reassure her of your love, praise whatever you can and keep quiet about anything else.

You're not unreasonable to want that, but you're unreasonable to expect it. Of course your daughter's changed. She's a parent now and has done what a lot of parents do...put her desires to one side for her family.
I'm not sure why you feel he should be impressed by her being a vegetarian. I'm also not sure why you think he's to 'blame' for anything. Do you have any real reason to think she's unhappy and regretting their choices?

This would be extremely difficult to cope with. I feel for you mama! I've been somewhat in this situation but I was the daughter. It appeared to me that my parents loved my bf and would extend welcoming arms and try to help him anyway possible. However, he always kept telling me that he felt like my parents hated him. I was not able to see it but I took his word on it and tried to listen to his feelings. My parents would help him if his car broke down, the let him borrow vehicles, let him borrow money, bought him Christmas presents, and celebrated his birthday but he always refused too stay very long at my parents house or overall refused to even be there at all.

Later in life I had began to notice it more and more as it wasn't so many small disagreements such as I think this is pretty and he would disagree and give a reason as to why he thought the opposite. It began to turn into almost all my thoughts or dreams I had he would argue with me about. I began just letting thing go because I got tired of aruging about it and he would try to manipulate me into thinking I was wrong and he was right. Overall it was toxic but I got tired of it and left. He would become extremely disrespectful to my parents making my mom cry I would get so agitated with him because I would try and figure out the problem but it was always someone elses actions or someone elses fault. I knew I only had 2 choices and 4 months before our wedding I either had to leave or just stay unhappy.

Be so careful. My mum says things like “you’re not the same anymore” but the reality is she just doesn’t know me very well anymore, and when she says things like that it makes me feel quite judged and like she’s disappointed in me. It makes me want to see her less.
I’m a mother and wife now, I have a job which I need to support our life, I have way more responsibilities and worries than when I had loads of hobbies and went out all the time. I’ve also experienced life outside our family now and hold different views now which she finds difficult.
And she has much more time on her hands to ponder things and compare.

So you told your husband you'd decided to FF and instead he came back with a breast pump and said you needed to try pumping before formula?? That's terrible!

See- stories can be spun however the teller likes...

It’s never a good sign when someone who was once close starts pulling away after meeting someone. I share in your sadness in regard to the breastfeeding - that’s a real bummer! But also your daughter, doesn’t she have autonomy to decide what is best for her and her child?

I’d be majorly upset if my daughter brought home a guy like this, tbh, and disappointed in my girl if she let herself be so easily steered.

Mother focuses on who she thinks I should be rather than who I am. We no longer speak

It’s important for babies to have mother’s milk first. So expressing is an excellent idea. Quite a lot of babies in my mothers’ group were formula fed and they were chubby.
Formula doesn’t give natural nutrients or build up the immune system.
the best milk I found after 9 months’ feeding is Aptamil 20 years ago

Are you really this tone-deaf?

Do you make a point of being rude or are you just passive aggressive?

I’m thinking this isn’t the place for a mini lecture on breast feeding. No one is asking for this information.

I don’t think you understand the meaning of passive-aggressive. Plus there’s nothing rude about pointing out that this was a tone-deaf thing to say on this thread.

Just be as supportive as you can. Don't slate him even if she dies. Be tactful.

Go round to see her and baby, offer to help with baby if you can. Find times to meet just the two of you.

It sounds like he's trying to make her into the partner he wants which must be hard to watch. Make sure you are supportive not judgemental.

“She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy.”

Honestly, screw you for your horrible attitude. Breastfeeding can be extremely difficult and rather than supporting your daughter for making sure her child is fed, you use it to judge her because you don’t like her partner.

Well it wasn’t expanded on. Just to make a statement without qualifying is aggressive