I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

You mean... since she's had a baby..?

You've placed your daughter in the role of a life partner. She's not that. She's got her own life to live and it doesn't have to meet your expectations.
Sorry if that's blunt but that's what I see here.

Her partner will absolutely have picked up on your dislike for him and you blaming him for her not being the dazzling success you expected so it's unsurprising he's not especially warm or keen on you either.

Nobody stays the same throughout their twenties.

I look back at how I was then and in most respects, I am absolutely nothing like that now.

Are you sure your daughter isn't changing because she's just a normal woman in her twenties who's growing up and finding her way without mum?

All of you are going against statistical evidence that controlling men alienate their partners from their family. Look at the warning signs

• doesn't embrace her as a person (vegetarianism)
• things she used for want she suddenly doesn't want anymore (career, breastfeeding)
• he has a bad relationship with his own family
• makes her vulnerable by sabotaging her career

I think your choice of title is revealing. You resent her partner. you aren't concerned for her, or even dislike him. Or any of the other things you might be if he was endangering your daughter. Rather you resent him - what for ?

You talk a lot about your own relationships. About being a single parent, is part of this envy, that she isn’t a single parent, has a happy relationship, is making different choices to you? As well as relying on her too heavily before?

I think you're seeing red flags where they don't exist @FarleyHatcherEsq.

And probably when heavily pregnant too?

I can’t really tell who’s being unreasonable as we’ve only heard one side, but I will comment on the breastfeeding. I was desperate to breastfeed my first, but ended up with bleeding painful nipples, which caused enormous distress. I persevered for far too long and received poor help from the midwives/carers. I eventually had to stop and was devastated.

It could well be that your daughter didn’t have enough milk and that her partner helped her to make what seemed like the best plan at the time for your daughter and her baby. It’s a desperately difficult time with huge amounts of tension, partly caused by all the pressure on women to succeed, where for some it’s very difficult or not possible.

Please don’t use this as a stick to beat him with. He may have been doing the best he could at a difficult time, and absolutely don’t make your daughter feel any worse about it than she probably already does.

I honestly think this is a case of you knowing her best in her childhood and teens and thinking that is still the case.

People change a lot in their 20s and react a lot to parental pressure, even if you yourself didn't think you were pressuring her to 'fly high'. Maybe she wants a more conventional life? Maybe she didn't want to breastfeed as much as you think she did, and maybe her partner knew that better than you.

Try and ask yourself, objectively, is she happy? And separate your answer from how you personally feel about her choices. Everyone is different and our kids want different things from us, or from what they wanted at different point in their lives. This is all very normal. I think the problem is with you, not her.

• doesn't embrace her as a person (vegetarianism)
• things she used for want she suddenly doesn't want anymore (career, breastfeeding)
• he has a bad relationship with his own family
• makes her vulnerable by sabotaging her career

I don't know where you are getting some of this this from.

The op doesn't say he doesn't get on with his own family and she says get daughter' tanked her career'.

She wasn't specific about what he said about being a vegetarian and we don't know the dynamics of the breastfeeding conversation. Only that the daughter was undermined by some people.

He might be dreadful! But you can't make stuff up!

20s is the time of biggest change.

My kids are both at university. Whilst I was sad at them leaving, I know that the biggest change for me will be when they have partners and families of their own. From that moment onwards, then their nuclear family will absolutely be their priority. I will find that change of role for me very difficult but I know it is absolutely the right thing that my kids that they start the next phase of their lives without me being number one.

Currently my University aged daughter calls or texts every day. I fit that amongst my full-time job and enjoy her communication. However, at some point, she will find a partner and hopefully have a family of her own and things will take a different direction. I will then have to take a step back. I will really miss these days, but I know it will be the right thing for her. It is as it should be.

Role changing is difficult. Try and not get fixated on your daughter’s decisions. Because they are her decisions. You said he is loving and kind. For now take those as positives and accept that your role has now changed and may change again in the future. You need to channel your sadness elsewhere. This is about you and not your daughter and her partner.

🙄

I mean not getting on with his family is clearly a lie since op states her own daughter wasn’t there for her, like she was for her parents and HE was for HIS family.

apart from thinking being veggie is a bit shit I’m not sure what his done wrong.

Op clearly doesn’t like her daughter having a partner he will of picked up on that pretty fast thus avoided ops house where he would have felt unwelcome.

Breastfeeding wasn’t working out, he fed the baby formula. Now you only have ops version of what op was even told. There come of been many nights where he watched his partner crying while it wasn’t working and hearing this hungry little baby cry and they gave in together, and the daughters still allowed to feel sad about not breastfeeding too. Doesn’t make anyone a bad person.

I agree with this. After a baby is a prime time for men to become more controlling. I’ve been there and wanted to tell my mum that I wasn’t distanced due to her but him. I felt I couldn’t be disloyal to him so couldn’t tell her it wasn’t that I’d changed. I have hinted though and hoped she understood which it sounds like your daughter is doing (crying about her career, the breastfeeding conversation etc) as well as the things you’ve seen for yourself.

I’m mostly through the other side and my mum has been amazing. I would focus on yourself with the therapy etc. in person, kill him with kindness and always include him. It may be a confusing time for your daughter so if you can ease her internal conflict, that will help. Make sure she knows you’re always there for her. Are they near enough to set up sonething regular like weekly swimming with DD and baby? If you keep relations between you and DD as good as they can be and just be really accepting of the place she’s at, she will come to you when she needs to.

To be fair, you raised and influenced her and if she’s the type to move in with a fella and have a baby in her mid 20s that’s not all come from peer pressure. If she’s happy let her get on with it but you can’t really pretend she has stepped off some sort of career focused high achiever pathway you laid out for her.

You're "sad at who she is becoming" because she only breastfed for a week and has not achieved much with her ambitions?

Her partner is loving and kind, but "unimpressed by her vegetarianism"?

Of course your daughter "isn’t who she was a few years ago" and it's unfair to expect her not to grow and change. This includes doing things differently from the way you would prefer her to do them.

I think you need to let go a bit of your rigid "woke" ideals if this is already driving a wedge between you at what should be a happy time for everyone.

And told his partner he resents her closeness with her mother.

It’s entirely possible he is a controlling man (many men are). If this is the case, OP, all you can do is be there for her in the background so that if she needs your input in the future, she will come to you. If in the meantime, she lets you know anything really concerning, then you might want to speak frankly with her about him.

I think everyone changes to some extent. She is an adult and making her own choices. Her dh is maybe not your desired one but he treats her well.breast feeding is difficult and she may have been struggling. As long as baby is fed that's all that matters. Try to accept him and her as a couple. Don't judge

@NewbieoneKinewbie I find some partners of children are jealous of the relationship they have with their parents. My SiL hates the closeness with her dad. My DiL hates the closeness he has with me. I never see him on his own now. I just don't rock the boat. When you are seen to withdraw a bit, they do return. Hugs x

I don’t blame you, OP. It’s depressing to see someone become less than they were, and having a baby in your mid-twenties is very seldom a good idea. In your shoes, I would try to cut her partner out of your thinking, and focus on pointing out that, baby or no baby, she’s mid-20s and can’t possibly have ‘tanked’ her career when she’s barely started her working life. She needs to return to work after maternity leave., as key to her having a career and not being economically dependent on a man who may be a temporary fixture.

But that's on HER. Why are you blaming him. You said recently, so she must have been pregnant? So maybe she found her pregnancy tough and couldn't be there for you. Also, you raised her and if she was that close to you, then she certainly wouldn't break away so easily. Sorry something is missing here. You say he is a kind man, so it seems like she has made her own choices?
Something tells me that you have been a bit controlling and maybe she needs some space. Why are you so impacted about her feeding choice ? I had all the intentions of BF but struggled so switched after a week and was fully supported by my dh. She's just had a baby, and you wanted her to practically care for you after your op. Sorry but I don't think it's him at all, I think she may just need some space and it's easier to blame him.

Can you give some more examples OP? Things she has said, particularly about her partner and their relationship? She said that he was jealous about your closeness? That sounds like a red flag coupled with everything else

Exactly this!!

Sounds like there is definitely another side and I'm not the only one that can imagine what it is too.

As someone who is very close to her mother. I was very ready to move out in my mid twenties and spread my wings sort of speak.
I love my mother a lot but I have my own mind and my own ideas on things. My mother has really struggled with me not following the religion I was brought up in. God forbid I moved in with my now husband (who I have known since I was 14!) a year before we got married.....that I didn't have a full catholic mass for our wedding ceremony.

Things she thought were important to me that now I've moved out/got married are now not.
Where in reality....I done that stuff because it was what I always did.
We have a lovely relationship as we accept that we are our own person.

The examples you give have nothing to do with her partner....were you there 24/7 when she was exhausted and trying to breastfeed???

How has her ambition gone?
It sounds as though you are trying to live your life through your daughter.

I think you may need to talk to someone impartial xx