To think 40 is a bit late to do much with your life if you’re starting from scratch?

[Flashynewpens]

Due to poor decisions I find myself at 40 in a dead end, low paid, low qualified job which has no progression.
I had some time out of the workplace with my children and I have a big gap between them. So as I was thinking about going back I unexpectedly got pregnant again and then stupidly stayed home another three years.

I know people will say about retraining but as a single mum working more or less full time this isn’t feasible and anyway - I’d still be up against people half my age.

I am struggling because I probably have another 30 working years but I am never going to advance any further than where I am now. It’s not helped by being stupid academically, unattractive and having very little experience in anything beyond entry level minimum wage.

AIBU to think basically my poor choices and lack of ability and age render me stuck where I am? Another 30 years where I’m not valued in terms of who I am or in terms of pay?
If I had my time over I’d not give up work to have children but I cannot change it now. I have started to withdraw from my friends because I am aware of how inferior I am to them. Why would they possibly be interested in me?

I want to share a true story for inspiration but it is also very sad so be warned.

I have a family member who had been a teen (single) mum to a child with extreme particular needs and therefore became her full-time carer. She didn't finish school and dedicated her twenties and thirties to the very hard job of looking after her daughter. When she had just turned 40, her daughter (expectedly) passed away (she was in her 20s by then).

This woman retrained to be a HR professional. She worked her way up in corporate jobs and by the time she retired, a few years ago, in her 70s, she was running her own highly successful HR consultancy. She had also married (in her 60s) and taken up photography as a hobby which she still takes very seriously.

Obviously completely different I get it and she didn't have young children at that point but it is entirely possible to start again at 40.

I wish people would stop posting stuff like that to people who don't have money!

You clearly want to change, or you wouldn't be posting. First thing to do is to stop being so negative about yourself and pushing your friends away. I am on my 40's and am not invisible in my workplace. Nor are women older than me. Write down what skills you have and what sort of sectors you might be interested in. You would have to start at the beginning but would have a chance to work up, which you don't now. There are apprentice and women returner programs that may be good to look at. As you say, you have many more years of work to go, so time to build some pension too.

I know it's not for everyone, social work has been mentioned - it's possible to do apprenticeships in social work, and/or be paid to train by many local councils. It's common for people who do it to be older and have their own children. Worth looking into if it interests you - we have lots of staff who start off either as family support workers or residential children's homes workers who have taken this route, and you can get into those jobs based on your skills/knowledge as a parent + plus a bit of self study about trauma, ACEs etc (things you can find for free on YouTube) as long as you're willing to work towards qualifications when in work. It isn't easy, but if it's available in your area it means being paid to train, not worrying about fees, and coming out of it with a guaranteed job in a professional qualification within a couple of years.

One benefit of a social work qualification over a min wage job is simply that if you need something lighter, you've got the option of going part time and still earning a reasonable amount. Plus there are other services that value it, eg charity sector - where the pay is lower but the jobs are usually nicer.

By all means find a new job that you think has more "value" but I don't think you need a new job or more training you need to change your perception. You're good enough as you are already. I've found mindfulness very helpful for this. Your age doesn't mean anything, You're alive so you can turn in a different direction if you want to. I've found on the job training that you're paid to do more useful that courses I've paid for. Looking outside of work for meaning can also make more of a difference to how you feel. People who run marathons or climb mountains always seem to get a lot of respect. I've also found more meaning and value in voluntary work than paid work and there's many things you can fit in around a day job, anything you can think of from being a magistrate, to admin, to fostering or a couple of hours on a helpline.

nope, not too late. at 40 I left a low wage job to start my own business (was paid minimum wage). Flash forward 10 years and my business is thriving, I earnt £52k last year and I am aiming for £60k this year

You can't change the past. I'm sure you made the best decisions you could, based on info you had at the time

I don't think 40 is too late to change direction, but I wouldn't hang around. Perhaps have a look here https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/

Another option is to stick with your current situation, but find the positives in it

I'm concerned that you are withdrawing from your friends. That sounds unhealthy

Perhaps consult GP for advice about low mood?

And / or, set other goals, not career related, to boost your mood eg couch to 5K

Do you drink alcohol? If so, perhaps ditch it for a month or so. Many people find this lifts their mood

I have never had all the "essential" experience let alone all the "desired" experience for the jobs I have successfully applied for.

Similarly when I recruit, although I might have a wish list of essential/desirable experience (not least because it's the format HR require) in reality often noone meets all the criteria and I am looking for someone with the aptitude and enthusiasm for the role

What do you do currently? We might be able to suggest transferable skills.

Entry level jobs in large public sector organisations can be a good choice, I know so many people who have worked their way up

You are definitely not too old! Have a look at your local college and see if they are offering any cheaper courses or search for some online. The government are offering free online courses so may be one on there that would interest you.

My mum gave up work to raise us and when she was 40 my dad left and never paid her for us again. She found a job in a big company, worked her way up the ladder and by the time she retired she was one of the directors. She also went back to university and got a degree in her 50s. I was immensely proud of her.

Anything is possible..

I'm approaching 40 and all these threads implying that life ends there are pissing me off.

I ama single mum at uni with 3 kids, 2 disabled. I also work and have a great social life.

It's not too late at all.

Go out and find your life, it isn't going to fall into your lap!

If you stay in same job and do nothing your baby 3y old will have grown up, gone to UNI graduated and you would still have to be working another 10-12years.

It isn’t a low paid entry job or some high flying job to choose from. There are countless careers in between. Don’t beat yourself up, if you had gone back to work when your youngest was 6months old chances are you still be where you are now
you said there is progression. Would you with a small baby have started looking for a better job but few years later it’s “too late”?

Op you are very articulate. And look at how many people are interested in your thread.

It is possible to change direction. You have made one decision. That you’d possibly like to retrain. So have a look at what sort of sectors / roles might be of interest. The national careers service quiz is good (but long).
Try that. See what comes up.
Then as po said tell us and I’m sure we can find options.
Depending on your previous qualifications and circumstances there could be finding available. So don’t worry yet about the how. Just the what.

In the nicest possible way, I think the thing that's limiting you is your attitude, not your age. Why do you keep saying you have no value? You're bringing up children alone, that has so much value, and requires many skills! You do sound bright and articulate, and I can't imagine you haven't learnt anything in 15-20 years of work. One thing I've noticed at work is that the image you project is (rightly or wrongly) as important as the work you do: if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will either.

I think when you turn 40 you start to feel like all these doors are closed to you, and some of them are (professional sport is probably off the table, for example) but most are definitely not. You just need a plan: work out what you want to do and how to get from here to there, and do it. It might not be easy, but it will be possible.

40 is so young.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Your despair and low self image come across so strongly. But you write well and are clearly far from stupid. You have raised children and have a place in the world - you are of value.

In a way I understand your feelings. I'm nearly 40 too and, although I have a good and interesting (to me) job that pays above the average income, I have no children, have never had a long term partber and live alone in a house I don't even own. It's easy to feel that I haven't accomplished what 40 year old women are 'supposed' to have done and that nothing can be changed.

But there is no 'supposed to' and you can 100% still make changes if you want to. I'm not in a position to be able to give you realistic and helpful career advice. Probably none of us on here are. But you could seek out real world advice and move into a more fulfilling job, I'm sure. Even if the pay is poor, you'd be happier.

But, whether you do that or not, you are a valuable person just as you are.

Apprenticeship? Universal Credit will top up the low earnings. This is what I considered when trying to get back into the workforce following 16 years out. In the end I didn’t get one but there are many about.
I did an Access course at 40. OU degree. Teacher training at 52. Now in 2nd year of teaching and loving it.
I definitely feel like a different person to the earlier me. I am totally fulfilled and very proud of myself ❤️ I have lots of interesting things to say. If anyone wants to listen 😉

Think about what you want and what you enjoy

I retrained at 40 and completed a degree. I was one off the oldest ones but I did't care. In fact, I had lots of fun with younger people on the course as I wasn't seen as threat and was respected and admired for going back to uni.

In fact 99% people who find out I changed my pathway at 40 and went back to uni - are really impressed.

It wasn't easy and I had to do an access course, re-take some GCSEs but it gave me back my confidence and self worth.

You've got this, believe in yourself.

You sound really down in the dumps. I get what you mean about not having value. When I worked as a domestic in the hospital I didn't feel valued at all. People looked down on me. It was hard as I had previously done the HCA role. Which was actually the same band and pay (let's not get into that!).

However the attitude people had towards the different roles which actually had the same pay scale was very different. I honestly could not go back to that role. Even though the pay and hours was great for what it was.

Plus keeping the hospital clean and helping to prevent spread of infection is in fact vital work.

You mention you would have returned to work if given the chance again after children. Taking out the pension benefits of this. What makes you feel like this would had benefited your career?

Your looking back on your 30s and thinking if I had done this. Well why not apply it to your 40s? Go back and really pin point the change you would of made and focus on making it your change now.

A little free course can lead to so many opportunities. It will also open the door to new people who have been or are where you are now. Even something your don't feel that interested in can get the ball rolling in the right direction. Your mind set is your biggest challenge right now I think.

As busy mums we all ask how an earth we will find the time. You will find it. Your priorities will change and if you really want it you will make it happen.

Good luck!

I got a new job at 42, negotiated a good salary and in 18 months I have done further qualifications, moved to a strategic role and increased my salary by another £15k. It's a complete change for me but life is not over at 40. You still have probably 30 years of your working life left!

Train in tech. Find a bootcamp kind of program, I’m sure if you look hard enough, you’ll find something for free for women/single mums etc.

It won’t be easy, but if you are absolutely committed to slog for 2-3hours every day for 6 months, I don’t see how you won’t find a well paying job with great progression prospects. testing is a relatively easier option, but be prepared to really give it 2-3hrs a day for 6 months.

Biggest myth: You need be good at maths.

Reading your posts made me feel very sad. You have such a low opinion of yourself when the truth is that you are a person worthy of dignity and respect, the same as anyone else.

I think you're looking at this the wrong way. You've listed deficits rather than strengths, and it's all geared around what you imagine builds your worth.

A healthier approach would be to work on your self esteem. There are so many small ways to do this that won't cost a penny and they will only benefit you.

Then, as your self worth grows, you'll naturally start to have a more optimistic outlook. That's when you'll see opportunities rather than obstacles.

I'm going to list a few things that I hope will be helpful. Please don't view them as a pressure or chore, but do perhaps give one or two of them a go to see if it makes a difference.

1. Mindfulness/meditation
There are free apps aplenty to guide you through a short, daily meditation. It will allow your heart and mind to settle, for anxiety to drop away even if.just for 15mins, and give you a daily boost.

2. Gratitude
This is talked about a lot and to be honest, I don't really like the gratitude journals that are on sale everywhere, it's just another "thing" to buy. But the concept is cool. Even if you just type 3 things into a note on your phone each day, it'll sharpen your focus towards what is working well in your life and give you a break from the drudgery.

3. Treasure your wellbeing.
This means creating a routine that prioritises your health for example, setting a bedtime and wake time that allows you enough rest; sticking to an exercise regime - even 30mins walk a day; and upping your intake of fresh food rather than processed stuff. It needn't be a big deal, any step.in the right direction is a positive.

4. Timetable fun
This is something recommended by Michelle Obama and it's so true. We timetable our chores but we don't make time for fun and so often the days go by in a whirl of tasks and responsibilities. Prioritise your favourite show or a chat with a friend - because you're worth it.

If you are able to do even some of the above, I guarantee that you will feel calmer, more confident and happier.

This is a great time to start making some life goals - long ones and short-term goals.

For example, short-term goal - find a job paying the same for fewer hours then using the extra hours to research careers that may interest you.

Or start applying for higher paying jobs. Then put the additional.earnings, no matter how small, into a savings account towards improving your opportunities.

Make use of all free resources whether they are self-help books from.the library, free apps that you enjoy and/or learn from, free CV updating services- all of that.

Tackle it like you would any important project with lists and timeframes and markers for achievement. Share your goals and achievements with people who care about you. Let them encourage you.

Limit your time with people who criticise and complain; they sap your energy and defeat your hopes.

You are capable of upskilling, getting a job with better benefits and prospects, and creating a nice life for yourself. You just need to start believing it's possible then get on with moving forward, one step at a time.

@BlueGrey1 why do you say 50 is too late? 15-17 working years left. A very long time.

Do you say that to new teachers and social workers all training in their fifties? And even later?

I’m a barrister (used to be a nurse in my early 20s!) and there were people 40+ in my law course at uni! Isn’t retirement age 67 now? You have so much time to explore something else! What about OU degrees you can do part-time/from home? Progress might be slow but it’ll be progress!

And don’t ever think a job determines your worth!! My DH is a SAHP and has been for the past 2 years. I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without his help. Who cares about his contribution to society? His contribution to our family is most important.

The OP has explained that she finds academic work difficult. Tackling a degree alone, at home, is unlikely to be something she will be confident to do.

There are lots of workplaces where upskilling is provided in-house, this is likely to a manageable goal.

Seeing as, on average, you're likely to live more than another 40yrs then no, it's not too late.
University and college courses - whether as 'entry' level as numeracy and literacy, or as complex as advanced professional qualifications - are full of people over 40.
For sure, it's harder to make a fresh start when you have commitments (kids, house, pets, bills) but it's doable and there's no time like the present.