To think 40 is a bit late to do much with your life if you’re starting from scratch?

[Flashynewpens]

Due to poor decisions I find myself at 40 in a dead end, low paid, low qualified job which has no progression.
I had some time out of the workplace with my children and I have a big gap between them. So as I was thinking about going back I unexpectedly got pregnant again and then stupidly stayed home another three years.

I know people will say about retraining but as a single mum working more or less full time this isn’t feasible and anyway - I’d still be up against people half my age.

I am struggling because I probably have another 30 working years but I am never going to advance any further than where I am now. It’s not helped by being stupid academically, unattractive and having very little experience in anything beyond entry level minimum wage.

AIBU to think basically my poor choices and lack of ability and age render me stuck where I am? Another 30 years where I’m not valued in terms of who I am or in terms of pay?
If I had my time over I’d not give up work to have children but I cannot change it now. I have started to withdraw from my friends because I am aware of how inferior I am to them. Why would they possibly be interested in me?

I got married for the first time age 43 and had a baby age 45

You write very well OP. I was going to say law too.

Can you use a PC? Word?

Could you try and get an admin job in a law firm and work your way up?

There is now a different route to qualifying to be a solicitor.

Do you have a first degree?

Tell us what you can do and what you enjoy and MN will post links to help.

You can do this.

Also friends don’t value you on how much you earn. They value you in your values. I have a dear friend who is much less well off than me but she’s my favourite person in the world.

I treasure her above all others as she represents something kind and wonderful in the world. She’s not obsessed with cash and status. And for that I love her even more. She’s the truest friend I have.

Do give your head a gentle wobble OP. People like you for your personality and values, not for the balance in your bank account and your latest promotion. Makes me feel sick thinking along those lines.

i understand a little though. When I’ve met very rich people I do feel a bit in awe. I feel rather rubbish and that I’m somehow less worthy. But often they just got lucky. It’s not really much more than that. And I remind myself that just because they’re rich doesn’t mean to say they’re happier or better than me!

FWIW, you don't sound stupid at all. You articulate your points very well.
You do sound depressed and lacking in self-esteem though.

Why don't you speak to a careers advisor about doing an access course in something you're really interested in? Forty is hardly too late, given you'll probably need to work into your late sixties. It's not even halfway through your working life.

90 is not too late.

it is not too late, I think 50 is a bit too late so you have sometime to get it together, can you do some research into career advisors and make an appointment with one that is suited to dealing with people in your position, it’s difficult for Mumsnetters to advise what you could do as we don’t know anything about you or what you would ideally like to do or are good at

You don’t sound at all stupid/ or unintelligent, but you do sound like you are severely lacking in confidence.

You say you are unattractive, I believe that almost anyone can be made to look pretty attractive with a bit of makeup / care taken over their appearance, give yourself a bit of a makeover and it will give you more confidence.

Also there are tonnes of relatively cheap short online courses out there, discuss with a career advisor and maybe they could point you in the right direction and advise you

I have always worked in widening participation in higher education- people
can and do make huge changes at 40 and much later.
It’s absolutely achievable @Flashynewpens but you need the mindset for it first.

I’d get help with your low mood and confidence first and then you need a plan. It doesn’t have to be big bang, you just need to start.

You made decisions in the past. Fine.

Today is the 18 January 2024. Decide the person you want to be now. No limits other than making sure your kids are looked after. Make it real.

Did that sound wanky? Sorry, but at 40 you are not too late, but every day is a day lost.

Where have you been the last few years? Have you seen how many prime ministers we've had?! The highest job in the land and still they've all been 'easily replaced' as you've put it.

I believe most of us could be replaced somehow. If we get ill, made redundant or die, the organisation doesn't stop functioning, we are replaced. So please don't think that you are worthless or old. In fact, without sounding patronising, you are currently doing the hardest job in the world which is being a single mum.

In terms of what can you do - there are many, many options. From 40 onwards, I became a PR Officer, went back to office temping which I hadn't done since my 20s, retrained as a primary school teacher, started a small (and yet to be self-sustaining business), and went back to an industry I had been in before, into a different role. I am now freelancing and working with a lot of 20-30 somethings in media. I will be 58 next week. I spent the last six months working as a social media journalist (fell into it and still keep forgetting to add hashtags to posts 😅) but my point is, you need to try different things and see what sticks.

Withdrawing from your friends is a bad move. In fact, could you use them to network? Tell them you want to try something different, they may have ideas and contacts. What kind of jobs do they have? I understand you are worried about being in a low paid, low opportunity job but we all have to start somewhere and you may have to start on a low salary elsewhere but you may have get the opportunities you crave once you make that move. What job do you currently do?

And finally, get a piece of paper and pen, and write down what interests you and what you would like to see your life looking at at age 50. Then come back and let us know what's on your list. 💐💐

OP, I started a new career at 47. But what most worries me is your lack of self-confidence. You don't need anyone else to criticise you, as you are your harshest critic. It's not right and it's not a good example to give your children. Life is hard and you've got to teach them to value you and value themselves

@FakeHoisinDuck my masters was related to branding & marketing. Nothing fancy or super specific with a defined career path, but it interested me and was my 'other' option for my BA (which in hindsight I should have just done originally).

Totally agree with @Cazziebo that it wasn't the masters specifically that was probably most important. Just using my brain again, getting some drive and aspirations back, alongside people who were all working to a similar goal, was probably more significant. I could have probably landed an entry level marketing role somewhere without it, but I had no confidence to even apply for roles.

Is there something small you could do, like a short online or evening course, in an area you are interested in, just to ease in to the idea without fully taking the plunge @Flashynewpens

Jesus, OP. This is a bit much. You really need to see someone about your low mood.

People on minimum wage hold as much value to society as those on 6 figures. Your worth is not tied up in your job or salary. You can have interests and hobbies, train on the side for a career that you’re more interested in, there is so much you can do. I bet your friends would hate to hear you talk like this too. I hate chatting about work with friends anyway!

I was a sahm for a good 15 years. I fancied getting out a bit and got myself a part time job when I was 40. I've turned down promotions in those two years because it would have meant re jigging my hours just a little (moving my 6 hour shifts together and doing a couple of 12 hours instead) but I like the short days. The fact that I could be earning way more and training within this role to open doors for even better jobs and I'm already 42 tells me that anyone can do it. Just gotta find something you enjoy and want to progress in.

I did a professional qualification online when I was 42 and there were loads of people on the course who were older than me. I had a big employment gap because I had chosen to be a SAHM- I returned to work full time recently and I’m earning less than I was 16 years ago, but this is my choice as I just don’t want the pressure that comes with the higher salary.

Im not going to deny people think that way because SOME do. You see it on here too, not so much with minimum wage jobs but with people who can't work due to being disabled or ill. There are values assigned ro different jobs or roles in life, but the people that do this aren't worth knowing.

Self worth is more intrinsic. I have this same issue mostly because of my abusive stbxh who's made me feel worthless. I've withdrawn from friendships because of the same feelings you have. Where I live and my kids school I dont fit. I'm a disabled single mum to 3 DC who all have SEN. They're all two income households with both parents earning a lot, extra house in the country types. They're not bad people, but I don't fit.

I did have a group of friends who's lives are more like mine and I let that go because of how i feel, because I think what can I add except burdens, that im boring and having nothing to talk about, that Im worthless and they're better off without me. All these nasty thoughts coming from my own head. I actually pushed through all those, had a panic attack driving there, but actually made it to a lunch with them recently and it was great. Maybe you don't have that currently or maybe to some extent your friends have stepped back because they know something's up but they see it through their own lens and think you don't want to be friends. Sometimes friendships just drift away with life changes.

.A psychologist I saw briefly, because I couldn't afford to keep going, suggested two things to me, that I work my way through 'The Happiness Trap' and that if i wanted to stop feeling worthless I should treat myself as I would if I felt worthy. She said nothing can change untill I treat myself better. Kind of fake it till you make it. No one can fix this from the outside. If you can afford it Id suggest seeing a therapist of some kind or going on a waitlist if you cant afford it. You sound like you might be depressed. Have a talk with your GP, try to make one little positive change and when that's stuck try another. You're not stuck, you can't see the wood for the tress. One foot in front of the other, one little step at a time you can get through this to something better.

Lots of encouragement on this thread but to get a realistic idea, figure out what kind of career you'd like to do and what kind of training or courses there are that would be helpful and could fit around your work.

If you really want to make the change and you need to keep working, you can study around your work.

Never too late to retrain or reinvent oneself. But I'd work on that negative self talk.

The average age of someone starting their first business is in their 40s and like you see from responses here lots do retraining etc so please don’t feel like that you have to be stagnant at this age and beyond.

So I retrained for free at 38 by working in an Insurance company (with a 2 year old) then had a baby aged nearly 42 ( maternity leave) and at 44 set up my own business working from home which was very successful.

I've known several mothers who have done similar and at more advanced ages.

You just have to want to do it. If you don't try, of course you won't be successful.

Do you want to be asking yourself the same question at 50 and be the same place?

Because in all likelihood you'll get to 50, 60, 70 and 80 maybe even 90 or 100.

You either resign yourself to doing nothing different or you take act to see what you can change if you are unhappy.

I'm in a similar position OP. Early 40's, left school with minimal qualifications (because you got away with that then!), have since done a couple of lowish level qualifications.

I've had my children and took time off to be at home with them. Now is my time!

I'm up at this ungodly hour as I'm struggling at my minimum waged, under appreciated job. So I'm job hunting. Fancying a change but I don't know what either!

What are your strengths OP?

I've worked in childcare on and off since the late 90's. I enjoy caring, using words (I like writing social media posts for work) and can work in a team/independently.

I always intended to go into nursing when I reached this age - it's my turn now, to do what I want to do, and I think I'll always regret not giving myself a chance to do something.

I'm just now torn over whether nursing, or something along those lines, is for me. I've shocked myself how much I am of a dab hands in an office setting with my current role, so who knows what I could do!

Come back and chat further to us OP! Someone might have some Pearl of wisdom for you!

In theory of course it’s possible in practice well it depends.

Age of children and if they need childcare and what your commute time to any sort of new training or job would be, transport can people drive or is there good public transport cover for when children are ill, spare money. It is much harder for single parents. I do know someone who did an OU degree part time whilst working in an office doing medium grade admin in her mid forties and she is now an HR manager in the NHS. She is a single parent but by then her child was an older teen.

Get a spreadsheet going of all your incoming and outgoings, polish up your CV, look to see if you can pull in any favours with childcare and go from there.

Am in a very very similar boat OP.
My advice would be to do some kind of training on the job rather than a degree without a job at the end of it.
I'm looking for extra hours doing anything right now and will eventually sidestep, do a course and become a hypnotherapist. I'd have loved to have been a psychologist but don't feel like I have the time for the study. I've got an MA in a different subject that is fairly pointless and a professional qualification in a job I sadly realise I detest. Also have two dc, youngest will be 11 when I'm 50.
I don't think pay is what makes a job worthwhile. It's more whether you enjoy it and whether you feel it is improving the world in some way I think.
I think you can still have worthwhile friendships because you can offer emotional input and support. You don't have to chat about careers - how often does that happen with a mate anyway? Talk about books or films, ask them questions about how they are. Talk to them about your desire for change.

I didn't have a very auspicious start. Did badly at school. Not much family support, and as a consequence was very socially and emotionally immature. No qualifications or career to speak of. Too much month left at the end of my money.

Funnily enough it was my kids who were the catalyst to get going with my life. I didn't want them to witness me and think that's all life had to offer. I noticed that my aspiraions for them were so much more than I had for myself. So I went back and got a language qualification when my youngest was little (I was in my 30s) and I taught languages for a while - as and when around childcare. One thing led to another and I'm now working on a Masters in Education. Will be 46 when I graduate! My favourite thing about it is how enormously proud my kids are of me. I can't pretend it's been easy. There have been tears along the way, but I have shown my kids that hard things are worth doing, and that it's never too late.

I will never be rich, but I'll be able to afford life, and I will have done something I'm proud of and made a contribution to society.

You can get some qualifications for free as long as you don't already have same level qualifications, ask your local college for advice.

I don't understand the relation between your job and conversation skills?