To think 40 is a bit late to do much with your life if you’re starting from scratch?

[Flashynewpens]

Due to poor decisions I find myself at 40 in a dead end, low paid, low qualified job which has no progression.
I had some time out of the workplace with my children and I have a big gap between them. So as I was thinking about going back I unexpectedly got pregnant again and then stupidly stayed home another three years.

I know people will say about retraining but as a single mum working more or less full time this isn’t feasible and anyway - I’d still be up against people half my age.

I am struggling because I probably have another 30 working years but I am never going to advance any further than where I am now. It’s not helped by being stupid academically, unattractive and having very little experience in anything beyond entry level minimum wage.

AIBU to think basically my poor choices and lack of ability and age render me stuck where I am? Another 30 years where I’m not valued in terms of who I am or in terms of pay?
If I had my time over I’d not give up work to have children but I cannot change it now. I have started to withdraw from my friends because I am aware of how inferior I am to them. Why would they possibly be interested in me?

Believe me there are opportunities for you but you have to open your mind to them. You can retrain and do courses on line in the evening but sure it takes guts and determination.

You have identified things you want and would like to change but only you can start that ball rolling to a better life. Absolutely no one else can do it for you.

you are still young with years ahead of a working life.
What things are you interested in? What are you good at? Are you any good with maths and computers? Really think here and think wide.

You may be great as a bookkeeper, you may be great at cleaning this is how wide you need to think. There are successful bookkeepers who have done courses and work locally with small businesses. There are great cleaners who have a good local business.

Please don’t limit yourself as it sounds as though you want a chance and a change, but come back with some thoughts and suggestions and perhaps you will find another way forward.

I'm 48 and about to retain. You can do this.

Geez no! I started a Masters with the OU at 40, when I was a single mum to young children and working more than a full time job. I started my own business at 48. Still going strong 14 years later.

I don't think the Masters made the difference. It was recognition that there was more out there, the learning piqued my curiosity, the other people on my course were inspiring and the whole experience spurred me on to do more. I have to say, there was a lot of luck involved with unexpected opportunities landing on me.

I'm now on a 6 figure salary and it's great being able to help and treat family. I'd been a single parent since two DCs were under 3, in horrendous debt and stressed out my head with a demanding job I really hated (loved the people though). I have no special talents or rare skills. I'm not even that clever! If yo asked me what skills I have I'd say I work hard and listen well. Most people are capable of that. I really appreciate the chances I had and wish I'd had the courage to make changes sooner.

Go for it, OP! You have so much to offer.

Honestly, as a woman in her 50s, 40 seems SO young.

Don't give up on yourself! I mean, why would you? If you really do feel like you're at rock bottom you have absolutely nothing to lose by giving something else a go, there's nowhere else to go but up

This is such a kind reply. I wish you the best with your dreams too.

See what’s out there.
Job, apprentice, course.

My favourite person I supported was a carer in her late 50s. She always wanted to be a social worker. Within two years she was on the degree. You are 15 years ahead of her. Lots of possibilities.

It took me about 5 years to go from minimum wage to £50k wfh job in finance.

Thank you @MBL

@Flashynewpens I think I hear notes of depression in what you write. Go to your GP or whoever can help to get that sorted: it is not helping you.

I'd been a SAHM for years. I had a couple of unimpressive A levels. In my 40s I had to sort my life out as it had turned upside down. I trained in something in the medical field qualified and got a degree. I was 50 when I graduated. The children left home and I travelled, initially with the job mentioned above then I changed tack & got another qualification and travelled while using those skills. From 55 to 60 were the best years of my life. So far.

Please do not give up on yourself.

I'm sorry, but you really need to work on your self esteem. Everyone can be replaced, and no-one is less important than anyone else. In my last full time job I saw four CEOs come and go. It's all very well for you to wallow in self pity, but by your comments you are suggesting that anyone who doesn't have a "career" and isn't well paid is not important, and nothing could be further from the truth.

MN is very much a place where going to uni, getting a good job and a high salary, marrying well etc. is oh so important. I couldn't give a stuff what anyone does for a job, and most people I know feel the same. I don't judge others by their bank balance, and I would rather someone be a decent person than have a high flying job.

If you want a better job then do something about it, instead of all this woe is me nonsense.

What do you want to do, or would like to do?
There's lots of good advice on this thread, take notes and look at the links. It's hard if you're stuck in a rut, but taking the first step is what will lead to change.

Have you got a degree already? If not you can get a student loan to study part time somewhere like the OU. If you already have a degree I believe you can get a student loan to do another degree if it’s in a STEM subject. You don’t have to start paying it back until you’re earning above a certain amount, and even then the instalments aren’t much.

Lots of people on my course were 40+, had kids and worked full time, many of them single parents. They were unhappy in their current jobs and wanted to retrain. Many have gone on to start new careers. It’s tough but if you’re really motivated to change things it’s doable. Don’t let age stop you.

I went back to work at 40 after being a SAHM for 10 yrs. I started with basic clerical, agency work in a large company. I eventually got offered a permanent role with them and stayed there for 20 yrs. During that time, I applied for new roles at a higher grade whenever something suitable came up. You can do it but you have to push yourself to learn new skills and step outside your comfort zone. Good luck.

It's never too late! But you first of all need to lose that defeatist attitude!

I'm 39, in a decent paid job, but I'm by no means a "professional" as such. I have an access to HE diploma and GCSEs but nothing else. I'm going to do an AAT (or similar) and aim to have the qualifications within the next 5 years, so that leaves me with at least 20 years to boost my earning potential before I retire! I'm also pregnant with baby number 3 😅

Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you're less important, we all have a part to play! I'm not a high flyer, but I know my role inside out and people rely on my knowledge.

My friend is starting a degree at 50 🤷‍♀️

The grass isn't greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. It sounds like you're depressed, withdrawing from your friends, you sound like you're defeated. You are not your job, your identity is not based on your job. I don't pick friends based on what jobs they do, they don't care what I do. It's never too late to change career. I did my dream job until I reached 35 and had a baby. The job wasn't so dreamy anymore and I was working all the hours and couldn't sustain it with the family life I wanted. Three years later i went back to university and completed a part time post grad online in something completely different and loved it. As a single parent it will be hard but you can do it and it will be so rewarding, maybe the boost you need, a new goal and focus. I chose something I was interested in and could do remotely. If you're struggling to find your thing, see if you can get a careers coach to help you. If you don't try to change career nothing will change and you will always wonder if things could have been different. I always envisaged having multiple careers. Life changes, people change, priorities change.

@Bey has it spot on - our work is not what defines us. I have a friend with a fascinating job but we don't sit over a cuppa and discuss what's been happening in her workplace, or mine.

You are so much more than what brings in the money. Think about what you could see yourself doing and try and inch towards something in that field. I know it's much easier said than done but you've taken the first steps towards your goal with this thread. Scour MN for advice and suggestions and you'll be well on your way.

By way of encouragement I know someone , a single mum of two, who's spent most of her working life in the arts and is currently retraining in her very late 50s to be a paramedic.

I tired 40, lost nearly 5 stone and an arsehole ex! I'd Bern at home with the dc younger ones have asd, for 13 years before I got a job last year at 44 . It's not hugely well paid but it's flexible, it has a good pension and I enjoy it

It's never to late to change things!

You can clearly write well. It's definitely not too late, I have solicitor in my team ,. probably our best lawyer, who didn't start training till her mid 40s, prior to that she had just worked in retail /admin jobs.

My aunt started nursing training at 43 and is now (in her late 50s) a highly respected specialist nurse.

I am sure I could think of more stories if I wasn't so tired!

40 is not old, and time will pass anyways - so you might as well do something with it!

you don’t say what you do so it’s hard to suggest what areas/fields you may want to go into.

re. Pension etc, it’s never too old to start saving, you still have a lot of compounding that can be done over the years.

re. How attractive you are - as this seems to be a big thing for you, consider what you can do to improve, hair, make - up, clothes. You can easily get decent stuff from vinted. Hair and make- up, check out all the tutorials on Instagram.

While it may be easy for me to say this, as you would perceive me to have a very successful high powered job, I honestly feel that most people are more worried about their own lives and are not looking down on others.

re. Your friends - they would most likely be horrified to know that is how you feel. Are there any that you would feel comfortable to reach to for mentoring? Or if they have successful careers maybe there are more junior roles in their organisations? you will have plenty of skills that you just don’t even realise - for example, you are a single mum with two kids and working,,,,you must be great at multi - tasking and organisation. Your posts are drafted well - so your grammar/ written communication is totally fine.

Seriously, it’s down to you now, there is so much out there, don’t put any limits on yourself.
Good luck!

This is very true too.

People can just be a lovely friend or a kind person or a fab mother and that is still an amazing and wonderful contribution to the world.

Or just trying to show kindness to a stranger can make the difference to someone's day. I can still remember times when a stranger did something seemingly small but which brightened a tricky day for me.

Or people who volunteer, I often go round various charities because I am part of a grant giving organisation and I am regularly blown away by the amazing work volunteers do and the difference they make to peoples lives.

And tbh just people being wise or funny or honest on Mumsnet can really bring something to my world (am sometimes bed bound for weeks on end and it gets lonely)

If you'd like a career then definitely don't write yourself off, but know that you are still worthy whatever you do.

I think withdrawing from your friends is very sad. You don't need a high status or well paid job to be an interesting person to talk to. In fact, most of us are quite self-centred so we really want to talk to someone who is a good listener.

It is obvious your confidence is fairly low at the moment. 40 may be the middle of your life but you still have more than half your working life to make changes.

@Flashynewpens

Also don't forget you have gained along the way through work and just naturally in life gained :Transferable skills" 👌 that will help and benefit you in some way later down the line,

It just sounds like you are at crossroads and transitional stage of life feeling restless and unsatisfied wanting more out of life than currently have,

You need to explore try out new things such as hobbies and interests you are curious about,

and just try vist new places, eat at new cafes or restaurants
participate in trying out new things interests like for example going to do drawing at life drawing class or visting a poetry speak up or doing something unausaul bit quirky ,

whatever takes you fancy

Reason being it will help to change your mindset in that it will help your cofindence to do thing not to compare yourself to other

But to do things just for the fun of it and explore new things in the spirit of adventure type of attitude,

Trying out new things whatever that is,

Will help you to get out of being stuck in a rut,

You will also meet like minded people who you can potentially become friends with

It will also help to open potentially new doors Avenues in life

i really think 🤔 this will interesting phrase in your life,

that you will discover new insights about yourself and other people along the way

I’m a few yrs younger than you, but the talk I tell myself is “start now so I’m not regretting having done nothing about my situation”

I’m mid 30’s and also always told myself I was academically stupid. Today I’m working on acceptance into a nursing program.

It’s never too late OP.

I was in a similar rut around your age, having not worked for 6 years. I couldn't afford to retrain as my savings had almost run out. I started temping which gave me confidence and paid the bills for a while, and I got to work at a wide range of organisations. Eventually I landed somewhere with a range of possible pathways, so I took a short term contract for an entry level admin job, which became permanent. I found my niche and worked my way up to a senior professional role within about 5 years. The key was finding somewhere with the right culture, where they were prepared to develop people who had good life skills and give them opportunities to progress.

It's absolutely not too late... Why not meet with some of your friends and ask their advice? I'm sure they would offer support.