To think 40 is a bit late to do much with your life if you’re starting from scratch?

[Flashynewpens]

Due to poor decisions I find myself at 40 in a dead end, low paid, low qualified job which has no progression.
I had some time out of the workplace with my children and I have a big gap between them. So as I was thinking about going back I unexpectedly got pregnant again and then stupidly stayed home another three years.

I know people will say about retraining but as a single mum working more or less full time this isn’t feasible and anyway - I’d still be up against people half my age.

I am struggling because I probably have another 30 working years but I am never going to advance any further than where I am now. It’s not helped by being stupid academically, unattractive and having very little experience in anything beyond entry level minimum wage.

AIBU to think basically my poor choices and lack of ability and age render me stuck where I am? Another 30 years where I’m not valued in terms of who I am or in terms of pay?
If I had my time over I’d not give up work to have children but I cannot change it now. I have started to withdraw from my friends because I am aware of how inferior I am to them. Why would they possibly be interested in me?

A friend of mine with two kids and a degree in embroidery joined the Navy as an officer at 44.
She had previously worked as a shop assistant before kids. She hadn’t worked for 16years.

Anythings possible

as someone 10 years older than you - 40 is not too late! might be worth looking into recession-proof/A.I. proof jobs - healthcare/education if those are of interest? Something with a pension and in high demand - you can cruise into retirement with the peace of mind of knowing what your income will be. Good luck!

I recommend a book called

What colour is your parachute.

Worth working out where you want to get to and plotting a route to get there.

I don't think so, I mean you might live until you're 80 so better late than never. You'll get to 50 and regret not taking the chance. What's the worst that could happen? You can do it! Feel the fear, and do it anyway

Your attitude is your main asset.
Your attitude sounds futile so you need to perk up and take a positive view of your own value.
You are of great value to your children and to your workplace.
You are of most value to your self.

Take time out each week to pay yourself some time to do an enjoyable pursuit.
Maybe you'd like to ride your bicycle, grow flowers, paint, cook cup cakes, make a family tree. Find and do come hobbies that you enjoy.
You might then. over the next year, tweek an enoyable hobby to be a money earner. You might feel happier and see differently. You might spot a sideways move in your career that would add interest and a new pathway to a changed role.

Pursuing a hobby also gives you more to share and chat about with your friends and the chance to make new friends.

No one is going to dig you out of the hole except you.
To quote the late Ron Barassi,
"If it is to be, it is up to me."

You seem reluctant to help yourself though. You’ve quickly dismissed the idea of re training because of your age when this is the most obvious solution.

At 45, my mum went back to school and work, got her teaching credential, put all three of us kids through university and began her teaching career.

And I don’t ever remember her feeling sorry for herself.
Get out of your own way, OP — the only thing stopping you is you.
If you have a dream of doing something, put one foot in front of the other and do it.
But first you’ve got to get off the pity pot.

@Flashynewpens what kind of job would interest you? LinkedIn Learning has some amazing free resources and training available.
Are you in the UK? I do a lot of hiring and would rather choose the candidate who shows initiative and drive to lean & succeed over a graduate feeling entitled to the job.
You can do this, 30 years is a long time to be unhappy.
i would be happy to help you search for suitable training courses to get started.

I retrained at 50. Got a job I love now.

Sorry to hear you feel this way, OP 🙁
Have you considered any local Civil Service roles? Where I work the entry level roles are paid above above minimum wage, and mainly focus on admin or customer service. I appreciate all areas of the CS are a little different but where I am it is very family friendly (hybrid working & flexible working hours) and has good progression. I also took quite a lot of time out from working when I had children, so I started out on an entry level role which didn’t need any type of specific experience. I then built up from there and have progressed really quickly, and now I’m being sponsored by them to do a Master’s degree in the field relevant to my workplace (plus I get paid study leave etc so I can fit it around raising my family).
I took the initial job whilst feeling very lost and not knowing what to do career wise having been out of the workplace for quite a long time. I originally took it thinking it was just a quick stop gap as it was just an entry level admin job, but it’s been the best decision I ever made.
I wish you all the best for the future! As others have said, 40 is in no way anywhere near too old to start a career from scratch 😊

I went back to Uni the year I was 40 and then did a PGCE and worked in Education for 23 years - its not too late

Friendship is not about having something interesting to say to each other. Real friends see the value in who you are as a person. Your job doesn’t matter to real friends. They enjoy laughs and chatting, your insights, your kindness and they reciprocate that.

Many high earners are truly shitty people that society could do without. You know your worth deep down is not connected to your job, it’s who you are as a person- your qualities, morals, values- the way you treat others.

Do not de-value a job because it’s low paid- society would literally collapse from the bottom if we didn’t have this work done. For example in a hospital with no cleaners infection & disease would spread & kill the sick & vulnerable and completely undermine any work of the doctors and nurses. If we didn’t have bin men our streets would be literal filth overrun with rats and disease- the world couldn’t function properly. If we didn’t have carers the sick & disabled couldn’t function day to day.

Lastly 40 is not old at all. You wrote about work like you’re approaching retirement age. In fact it’s an age where lots of people retrain. The phrase life begins at 40 holds some truth in this respect! Life experience is an important contributing factor to a lot of roles- eg a counsellor, a nursery nurse.
You’ve done one of the hardest jobs for years in being a parent- a single one at that- that is tough requires a lot of hard work and good qualities and organisation & mental & physical & emotional load and I bet you’re really good at it! If you want to retrain for yourself to improve finances and gain learning/ experience etc look into the practicalities of childcare, loans etc. and go for it. You are not too old at all.
Do not do this purely to “prove” to your friends and society your worth- you have so much worth already and the only person that needs to know it is yourself x

Are you any good with people? Could you apply for a job in the NHS like physio/dietetic/occupational therapist assistant and then progress on to an apprenticeship from there? Just an option and one where life experience is good.

I am near the same age as you, currently in my third year of my degree, I transferred from brick uni to open university which allowed me to work full time. I am currently on low pay, and work two jobs at 60 hours a week with a family. It is hard and sometimes exhausting but I know it will give me other opportunities.

You are never too old. What I want to do, I know all my previous experience will help and I would rather spend the rest of my working life doing a job I am passionate about

Completely disagree.

I know people who've had 3 or 4 careers in their lifetime inc a guy who started his training to be a GP at 41yo. He's now a GP having been a pilot!

Some careers you can't easily start at 40, but many you can.

One of my school friends had her family young. Went to uni in her late 30's, finished took a job in Canada in her 40's and is now heading an IT division in a local authority there.

I'm 57yo and have just changed complete tack in my career, from specialist tech adviser to business development.

Probably not popular with many at the moment but look at Band 2 jobs in NHS. It's really hard to recruit at the moment. Lots of progression opportunities and can do qualifications on the job fully paid for, level 2 upwards depending on previous qualifications.

I think it's often the circumstances that go with age that inhibit or sometimes fully prohibit opportunities. 40 is still young, but if you have young children and responsibilities (like a mortgage or rent and bills to pay) you can't just give it all up to retrain unless you have someone to support you.

It's difficult and a bit depressing. I'm a similar age, a lone parent and stuck in 'high' salaried job (according to HMRC but not the six figures of real high salaried jobs) I no longer enjoy. I'm in too deep to start again and most jobs I like the idea of, don't pay enough for a lone parent without hugely impacting our lives.

I fully sympathise, OP, but don't be hard on yourself. You could have trained for something for years and still have found yourself stuck. We work for a, very long time! I wonder how many professionals secretly hate their job 10-20 years in but can't get out.

I think there are lots of options to retrain that are free or sponsored - you can get sponsored degrees and masters, apprenticeships, I know someone who is retraining via a remote learning degree and has landed an industrial placement in the field being paid while studying, similar age to you. If you can think of what you might like to do I'm sure there will be people on here who can point you in the right direction.

Thank you for all the supportive posts.

I don’t feel sorry for myself, I think I feel angry that I made such poor choices.
I don’t know about retraining - I’d like to I think but it’s the cost plus the time. I barely have any time as it is, the dc are with me nearly full time. I could look online at things that are conducted that way… I just don’t know how much more employable it makes me.
When I look at other jobs they all want experience in about a million things and I have none of it. Then I get disheartened - and I’m only looking at entry level jobs which pay around £20k - I’m not looking at anything more than that.

My friends all have very good jobs, which are interesting and of value. We have never really talked much about work before but it’s more that I am aware that their intrinsic value is higher than mine; people value them and their opinion.
If you have no value then people aren’t so interested in your opinions or conversation. In truth I’ve always held lower status than them, it just didn’t bother me as much before, maybe because I felt like there was time still. Now I feel like this is my fixed state and so I have nothing to offer anyone.

It is true that in another ten years it’ll be even harder - I either accept this is it or try and change it. It’s just very difficult to pull myself into changing it when it does feel futile.

OP stop feeling sorry for yourself and make a plan, tell your friends how you feel. Look for jobs which provide nvqs in the workplace. All apprenticeships do this plus some other jobs. This way you can work your way up from scratch whilst being paid.

Do the morrisby test and get some proper professional careers advice. https://www.morrisby.com/career-changers

What are your interests OP?

What careers do you aspire to?

What are your strengths?

The Morrisby site looks good - but it costs £120! I don’t have £120.

Of course 40 isn't too late!
I'm 45, just finished a Social Work Degree in the summer, have 2 young children 6 and 2 (the youngest of which I had in the middle of the degree) and all while also working full time.
If you want to do something then you do it.

40 isn’t too late. Sounds like you lack confidence and that is holding you back