BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

Honestly I would just ignore it. It may be really a thing but he may fall out of live, meet someone else, or move away. Treat it like a drunken dream so he can save face and pretend it didn’t happen.

It kind of depends how he told you but if he was just drunk and he is not asking you to meet up to discuss it, I think it's kinder to pretend it never happened. Tell yourself he has a lot going on in his life and he doesn't mean it and it's not about you.

Pretend it never happened.

Just pretend you've forgotten he said it

Drunken Chat .. ignore it

He knows you well. You have been around a long time. Maybe he is imagining himself in his db's shoes... Especially if he is currently single /never felt worthy of a proper adult relationship (?) Ime lots of db's prob do this and it means nothing... Encourage him to get a busier life.. Never mention it. Ever..

it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him.

Then don't. Your OH is your life's partner with whom you should be sharing such things.

Obviously do not even consider meeting up with him. This would fuel the flames.

Pretend it didn't happen. Why give it any oxygen at all?

And potentially cause a life long rift between them, just to make herself feel better?

It was drunken chat. Leave it be.

Just ignore. It’s his problem. Don’t let him make it yours or anyone else’s.

I would pretend I never heard it, but I would put some distance between you two and not be alone with him.

Completely ignore

He was pissed

Hopefully he'll meet someone and this will all just go away.

Unless deep down you have feelings for him I would leave it.
To be honest, even if you have feelings you should leave it too. Don’t tear a family apart for a drunken comment. It would do so much damage.
You aren’t going to act on it, there is nothing to discuss. You will only embarrass him or end up fuelling some kind of emotional affair or fantasy in your BILs head where you DO have a secret from your DH (presuming you wouldn’t tell DH you were going to meet him as that would give your DH another load of worry).

She would not do that to make herself feel better but to be honest and open with her DH.

Supposing it all becomes apparent in some way socially now that the cat is out of the bag? What will her OH think if he finds that this had happened and she had not shared this with him? Honesty and openness with a partner is vital and very basic.

Say nothing and if (unlikely) it is ever brought up so as your DH becomes aware of the conversation, just pause to remember, say “oh that drunken nonsense he said. I’d forgotten about that.” In the meantime try to forget about it and then you’ll never have to put on an act

Ignore. If he says it again, tell your DH.

If you value your marriage, you absolutely cannot be having secret conversations about this, it won't end up well for you.

Unless op and the bil start groping each other on social situations, there is no need for anyone else to find out.

Honesty and openness that has no benefit other than to the person who is being open and will only cause immense heartache to the other partner is completely unnecessary.

@Circlesandsquares10 do not engage! also make sure you are not left in a 1 to 1 situation with him again. do not tell your husband!

I disagree. It would make her feel better that she no longer has to keep the secret, but it throws a hand grenade into her dh's life. It could destroy a family and might not behave any actual depth at all.

I think this is a case where keeping quiet is in everyone's best interests.

@Circlesandsquares10 cut it stone dead!

I think people are really minimising this saying it’s a drunken chat and to simply ignore it and it will somehow go away. How exactly does a bombshell like that unhappen? This is a massive thing to reveal and pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t remove the huge awkwardness you’ll now have every time you are in the same room. For him to reveal this, knowing what what will probably happen if his brother finds out, suggests that he’s been absolutely tormented by this and is willing to risk everything in his desperation to find out if you feel the same. It’s selfish and stupid of him, given that you’ve given him no signals.

I think I’d have one final word with him. Tell him that you recall the conversation but you have no interest in him and he cannot entertain this possibility ever again. If he does, you’ll tell your husband. He’s put you in a position where you’re concealing something from your husband but I think that given that he’s only uttered a feeling then it’s not worth telling your DH because it will cause him far more hurt than is proportionate to what happened.

Ignore, carry on as usual. Say nothing. You actually sound like you want to make a big drama out of this.

Ignore it completely. If he brings it up again, read him the fucking riot act.

Pretend it never happened.

Unless you have some intention of exploring it then there is no need to meet up. The boundaries are what the boundaries have always been. Whh dobyou need to discuss "where you stand"?

Be careful that you're not trying to milk some more compliments and/or drama from the situation.