BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

It does look like you’ve misjudged this slightly. You’re having drunken 1-2-1 conversations and have an affectionate relationship with him. He’s clearly misinterpreted that. And to be honest (as it’s happened to me) men often do. Time to tone down the relationship. Don’t say anything but I’d be pulling away and not seeing him so much and definitely not alone.

Don't have a discussion with him about it, it makes this drunken confession more significant than it was. If he says anything, send him a note saying this is going nowhere, you have no feelings for him, and you are not going to discuss it any further. Then keep your distance as much as possible.

Would there be a concern he'd get pissed again & repeat this to someone else @Circlesandsquares10 ? Your husband for example? Are you sure you weren't overheard at the time?
If there's no way your husband can find out then don't tell him. That would be a world of heartbreak.
My advice on BIL is steer very clear. He sounds messy.

If my sister made a move on my husband like that and he not only kept it from me, but met up with her behind my back to discuss how they felt about it, I’d consider it a huge betrayal on his part. Your loyalties should be with your husband.

If OP starts steering clear of BIL, avoiding social situations where he is etc. then her OH will notice. And her position will be difficult if she has not been open.

It may not throw a "hand grenade" in - OH might say: "Oh I know he fancies you!" and laugh it off.

But either way, keeping this from your OH is not wise.

If he brings it up again, read him the fucking riot act.

Agree. If he keeps going on about it, you should tell him to stop being stupid and grow up. In the meantime, put some distance between you. He was being a selfish fucker telling you this.

NOPE! I wouldn’t be meeting 1 to 1 to discuss. I would be sweeping this under the biggest fucking rug and then burning the lot. And that’s the last I would think of it and carry on as if it never happened.

EDIT unless he brought it up again. Then I would go ballistic.

Just reading the comments from everyone and if you do indeed put noticeable distance between you and BIL then people will ask questions. If you now go from affectionate relationship to you being obviously distant or cold or both then surely that’s going to be noticed.

Is there a way to explain to your husband BIL said something that upset/ made you uncomfortable so you are backing off but without divulging by the drama completely and also not hiding to your husband about why your behaviour has changed? Then if it came out in future you can explain the predicament of you standing back respecting your husband whilst not trying to implode their relationship over it. It’s a real pickle of a scenario but I wouldn’t minimise it or ignore it totally or it will just fester with you.

Ignore, forget it and move on. Put it down to drink.
Don't tell your DH. It's kinder to him not to tell him.

@Circlesandsquares10 This is your best bet...but very awkward.
Don't mention it to your husband.

Good Luck!

Be careful that you're not trying to milk some more compliments and/or drama from the situation.

Exactly this. Your post name me suspicious about your motives. It doesn't really matter whether he meant what he said, you are married. His feelings are his problem, but now you know, I think it's wise to give him a wide berth.

No good can come of dredging it up.

Completely agree.

Ignore, move on.

He'd be a fool to mention it again.

Ignore it, act as if it never happened, if he tries to bring it up say "least said, soonest mended".

Never get into a conversation about it again.

Yes drunken chat ignore. Talking further would be a mistake, telling your DH an even bigger one.

I would say something along the lines of “dbil, I’m really flattered and wish you every happiness, but I want to be clear, I love dh. We are both always here for you as a friend/brother.”

it draws a line without causing a family rift.

It's not a big deal
He was drunk ..
If he brings it up when he's sober ok ...but it was just drunken ramblings , seriously let it go

I would ignore it. Probably didnt mean it. If he did would never want to hurt brother or act, on it, it will pass and just something stupid he said when drunk.

Alternatively talk to him, but i think it is unfair to dh to do that without speaking to dh too.

Hm, I think it was a shitty thing to put this on you. I would keep quite and IF it comes out say to your husband that you didn't say anything because you thought it was drunken talk and its clearly not reciprocated so it was a 'non thing'. Maybe

However, if you speak to bil again about it, in the cold light of the day, you'd need to speak to your dh about it too. The narrative can change quickly and he could end up being very hurt and angry if there has been repeated conversations about this behind his back. That is a huge breach of trust which would hurt him.

I don't get why you'd need or want to do anything about it. You love the man you're married too and even if you didn't why would you go there? Its a recipe for disaster. Least said soonest mended.

Or she doesn’t say anything and later on BIL could tell DH that she knew.
I personally would prioritise my marriage over my DH’s relationship with his brother especially when the whole situation is the brother’s fault.

If he was drunk, ignore it. You don’t need to go scorched earth but avoid situations where you would be alone with BIL for a while. You can distance yourself without making a big deal of it. If anyone notices you can quietly say to DH BIL was hammered and a bit inappropriate/overly aftectionate - you don’t think he meant any harm but are keeping him at arms length so he knows you don’t encourage that sort of behaviour.

BIL will likely be embarrassed and avoid you for a while too. If he does say anything don’t mention being flattered, or anything that makes him think there’s the slightest opportunity - many men home in on the positive and ignore the rest! Just kindly and firmly state you are happily married to DH, you don’t want to upset him as he’s had a tough time but he needs to stop this behaviour now.

Treat it as a 'you're my best mate, you are' type drunken nonsense chat

For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward.

For your own sanity you should NEVER speak of this again. Nor should you ever be alone with him again

There is zero reason to understand his motive

I think you should tell your DH but that's your call

Your BIL is a tosser

Really it is the kind of thing a drunk guy will say! Drink provokes sentiment.
No doubt he meant it at the time.

Don't make it a deep dark secret or it will become serious.
Keep it to yourself and forget it - or share it lightly with your DH if he won't overeact as you are doing. (I'd share it with my DH and he would laugh with me - because he wouldn't feel threatened and I wouldn't have taken it seriously.)

Wasn't there a Bertie Wooster story where he drunkenly proposed marriage to someone and then soberly realised that she had taken it seriously and he was socially obliged to marry someone he really didn't love? (I think Jeeves got him free by sending him round to drunkenly propose to everyone.)

I would ignore and, if it was ever mentioned again, I would shut it down firmly and with no hesitation. Making it clear I was not interested, even in knowing about it and any further talk would be shared with my husband.

If not that, then tell your husband and do it quickly.

What I absolutely would not do, under any circumstances, is meet up or talk to him about it voluntarily in the cold light of day as a 'secret'.