BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

I just said in my experience that's all it will come out. It's not an affair. OP will feel dreadful keeping it from her DH.

I can't believe how many posters are saying to brush it under the carpet!

I've known my BIL since I was a teenager and if he came out with something like this I would feel so, so uncomfortable.

I wouldn't even think to NOT tell my DH. How will you explain your likely change of interaction in his company? Why live with the burden of the conversation without talking it through with your DH? Surely you are risking this secrecy causing a rift between you and your DH.

I don't think it needs to become a melodrama. I would talk it through with DH and decide together how to respond.

If I were you I'd tell the husband. It will come out in the end.

I had similar. Drunken BIL at family party telling me he had feelings, always had blah blah blah, I just ignored it and pretended it never happened. It would have caused a massive fall out and a lot of hurt in the family if I'd told anyone. I've never mentioned it to him or anyone else but always give him a very wide berth, make sure I'm never alone with him etc

You've got lots of experience with people declaring undying love to someone inappropriate and them not telling their partner and then it all comes out?!

Ok…

And no it’s not an affair but my point being that people keep much bigger things to themselves, therefore it’s not ‘inevitable’ this will come out. It will do absolutely no good telling dh, other than to clear op’s conscience.

I'd ignore it and, if something ever got said, then say you thought it was just a drunken joke.

If you meet up with him or talk to him about it then it opens a whole can of worms. You would then either be keeping it from your DH or you have to tell him and deal with the consequences of that!

It doesn't mean what you think it means.

It means that he wishes he was happy and settled with a good woman like his brother seems to be.

He was drunk and unhappy. Don't turn this into something bigger than it is.

Your BIL has been very selfish, what does he imagine will happen here? Its pretty seedy of him and think it shows a total lack of respect for you. He doesn't love you his feelings are just a fantasy that got out of hand. I would avoid him from now on, and better still tell your DH so he knows what a snake his brother is.

Ignore ignore ignore

What a mad piece of advice to tell the husband! Sheer madness. If you rebuffed him truly there is no chance your husband would ever find out, why spoil his relationship with his brother? It never happened! Also, this is private, nothing to do with your husband. It is your BIL and you. Why tell on people? I am sure he will get over you if he actually meant what he said - you said it was alcohol speaking.

There's nothing TO come out.

Bloke gets drunk and comes out with a load of incoherent gobbledygook. Woman takes not one word of it seriously, because she knows when he wakes up hungover in the morning he'll feel a prize idiot (if he even remembers).

The End.

I would tell DH. He needs to know his brother is not loyal to him but that you are.

But he wasn’t incoherent. And OP did it take it seriously.

Leave it. No good will come from a discussion

If you meet up with him you will have to keep that a secret too. At the moment it was just a drunken comment from BIL that you didn’t invite or prolong. Meeting up with him would be a deliberate act on your part. If it was DH and my DSis, I’d be furious with her but not you about the conversation. However, I’d be furious with both parties if they’d met and kept it from me. Plus he’s far more likely to think there’s something to hope for if you agree to meet and you’ll also be giving him the power of threatening to/telling his DB. Awkward for you but ignoring is least problematic atm. If anything else happens, you may have to raise it with DH. I’d also ensure you’re never in a position where that kind of conversation could happen again.

I would have to tell my partner. I keep nothing from him

Ignore. If he does it again tell him to stop or you will need to tell your dh

Even when it's just drunk, misguided ramblings that mean nothing and will only cause a rift with his brother for no purpose?

I agree it's best ignored & I would assume he didn't mean it.

For his own sake as well as others.

I mean what a shit it would make him!

@Circlesandsquares10

I actually think 🤔 this senerio is probably far more common than maybe some people realise,
but it's left unspoken, that's the difference, !

I think it's natural that you can find someone acctractive in unexpected places and ways,
like have a "crush" 😍 on them type of thing,

even though it's quite tempting and flattering ,
you must resist the urge to explore find out how or why he feels the way he does,

and accept it for what is,

that's it,

there's no need for you to find a way to meet up in a secretive manner,
like teenagers lover's secretly meeting up behind families backs,

as that's where confusion, madness and heart ache potentially lies,

Don't transgress that hidden boundary,

If you value and respect your relationship with your husband,!?
which i assume you do,

what you need to do is nothing, is just be a bit flattered ☺️ by this and see it as like a silly schoolboy crush nonsense,

or
Just see it as like a surreal dream like that didn't really happen,
and just forget about it...

Maybe in a weird way this could utilised as be a bit flattering to your self esteem if you have got stuck in a rut a bit in life in generally in a way or within your relationship?

No reason why anyone but she needs to know this.

My response would have been different if the man in question hadn't been her DH's brother.

It is not appropriate for you to:

1. arrange to meet up on your own with somebody who has feelings for you when you are in a relationship with somebody else, whether or not that person is your husband's brother (!), and

1. it is not appropriate to have conversations about 'feelings' with somebody if you have no intention of a relationship with them, for a number of reasons.

oh my goodness, ignore, ignore, ignore

just a drunken rant - repercussions of telling your husband are far worse

my best friend had this happen with her BIL; very similar scenario, she never told her DH (I advised her not to at the time as the two brothers were very close and their mother was very sick and died a few months later) BIL got married a few years later to a lovely girl, two kids later, happy family - thank god she said nothing, i honestly think it was the stress of his mother being ill and the fact he was having a hard time generally and no family of his own

lovely guy but just got drunk and said silly things

I would have to be honest with my DH, the consequences of keeping this from him is too much of a risk and I would hate to be the one to have to hold onto this secret.

OP wouldn't be throwing the hand grenade, the BIL has done that by confessing feelings for his brother's wife!

I would tell your dh but bring it up that you are concerned for BIL, perhaps he is lonely and comparing his life to his brothers and feeling down about it. Take it as a sign of him not being in the best place, that way you are being honest and dealing with the issue and addressing BIL problems.

@Luckydog7

That's a really good insightful and emotionally intelligent way to handle this kind of thing,

Good advice for @Circlesandsquares10 to take on board...