BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

Pretend it never happened. The poor guy is probably mortified.

Ignore it completely. Do not meet with him or talk about it again. If he ever brings it up again, shut it down IMMEDIATELY. You don't want to hear any more.

Personally, I would tell DH in a "your brother is being a twat, made me uncomfortable with his drunken love statements, he's clearly lonely, I'm going to keep my distance for a while". But that depends on how you think DH will react. I couldn't keep it from him. The BIL is the cause of any upset, not you.

I would tell my DH, certainly if you plan to meet him to talk more about it.

Forget it and if it's ever mentioned again say, 'Oh you were drunk and looking for a shoulder to cry on, I didn't take any of it seriously' and laugh.

Depends on if you are happy with your husband, otherwise just ignore

I had four glasses of wine once and told my long standing best friend that I was in love with him, that I hated myself for it but that it had ‘always been you’. I wept.

this was nonsense - I had had an argument with my flatmate, was still smarting from a break up and in the middle of some professional turmoil. Life was hard and my childhood friend, who’s girlfriend (now wife) I loved.

I woke up the following day and wanted to crawl into a hole forever - I wasn’t drunk enough to claim I didn’t remember (I did. in excruciating technicolour detail.)

fortunately my friend knew me well, knew I was a shit show + had spent plenty of drunk time with me not confessing undying love. He understood it was a reflection of my chaotic state of mind not a case of ‘in vino veritas’

he sent me a message saying something like ‘dude, I know life is a bit shit for you at the moment, I’ve known you for 20 years and I know it’s all going to work out. Solemnly promise to pretend your outburst last night never happened. We’ve been friends for way too long to let wierd wine sads make things awkward. Kelly (wife) and I love you to pieces. Lets all have lunch next week”

I am forever grateful to him for getting it.

there is no good that is going to come out of making it into drama. People say really odd shit when they’re low + a bit drunk.

either pretend it didn’t happen - talk to a therapist about it if you need to talk about it. Don’t create drama.

OR send him a brief message saying something like ‘sorry life’s a bit shit at the moment, I know you didn’t mean all your drunk professions - husband and I love you very much please let us know if there are ways we can support you while you figure it all out

I also think you should ignore it. Its not exactly a 'shared secret' you're keeping from your DH if you did not acknowledge it, follow it up or share the same feelings.

Perhaps be prepared for the hopefully unlikely scenario where he one day tells your DH he has feelings for you and that you know this. Do you think there is any chnace he would do this ot share this with anyone else? In this case I would deny knowledge/not remember.

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal.

Yes. Do this one. Don't feed the drama, don't validate the drama, don't increase the drama. You need to be told?

It was out of order for him to say this to you.
I wouldn't have a conversation with him about this, because there's nothing to gain for either of you to open this can of worms.
If he brings it up again I would shut it down and say that you will tell your DH as this isn't ok and it's making you uncomfortable. You don't have similar feelings for him and it's deeply inappropriate for him to say this to you.

This is why I like MN so much. Some posters put so much thought into their answers. They have read and analysed the OP's problem and really tried to help. Excellent opinion @Fizzadora , you have added so much to the thread with your mature opinion 👌

This!!! Nothing good will come out of telling your husband.

This.

Personally, I’d tell my husband and if it was my sister who had said something similar to my husband I’d hope he would tell me.

Not necessarily in a serious formal way but even just like a “isn’t this strange” way if that makes sense, especially if he was drunk when he said it.

I wouldn’t go meet up with him to discuss it BUT if you are going to, I’d say definitely tell your husband first before going to meet him.

My course of action would depend on how drunk you were and whether there was follow up texts or anything.

were you drunk enough you can pretend you don’t remember? If so I’d do that and if BIL mentions it pretend you don’t know what he was talking.

if the chat was more involved or there’s follow up texts then id tell your husband. If he finds out not from you he will think there is something going on between you.

I would 100% tell my husband. He would be so hurt if he later found out I hadn't.

Whatever you do, 100000000% do not meet up with BIL to discuss!!

I understand your anxiety, OP, because I'm one of those people who automatically feels responsible for other people's feelings. Are you?

He might have just wanted you to know. There's no reason for that to change anything, and it's not your job to fix anything.

Ignore it. If ever mentions it again, shut down the conversation immediately. By meeting him you are giving this air to grow and be something real, and then it would be strange to keep it away from your husband. If you ignore it and give it no time, it was just a silly thing he said while drunk. Which it may well be, no matter how genuine he sounded. Or it may be that while he is in a bad place, he is latching on to someone who is stable and familiar. Even if he really meant it, feelings don't last forever, so in time he will find someone else. No need to make a give deal of it.

Absolutely nothing to gain by telling the husband except to light a fire between the brothers. If BIL is so consumed by desire and stupidity that he wants his brother to know, he'll tell him. OP isn't going to cheat with the BIL so there is nothing to tell. What is the husband supposed to do with that information? How does it benefit anyone?

There is no need for drama here. No need for further revelations, secret meetings for anguished conversations about how to proceed or any of the rest of it. Act like it never happened. He'll get over it.

Unless you absolutely love being at the centre of pointless drama that can't have a good ending, which to be fair some people do. Still seems unfair to make your family collateral damage for it, though.

There are lot of men who appear sincere and loving when drunk. It doesn’t mean they actually are that, most men think with their penis when drunk. Brush it off as a drunken pass at you.

I’d feel a bit sorry for anyone in that situation. It’s such dangerous madness, I can actually well believe it could only be a massive error of judgement committed while pissed.

You’ve said he’s been a good man over the years so I would respect his feelings and not make it about you. By which I mean neither ignore it nor make more of it than needs to be made.

Next time I happened to see him (no sneaking about) I’d say something like ‘how are you, listen, I’m a bit worried about you, you don’t seem to be in a happy place. I don’t want to let this hang over us, you’re such a good brother to both of us. So let’s put this behind us, eh?’

Basically friend-zone him as hard as possible, but with the emphasis on friendliness and what you value in him. He may well be like yeah sorry I was off my face and talking shite, just ignore me.

Should do, has he any sense at all.

It seems to me there's a greater danger of YOU making this into a bigger thing by letting it grow out of proportion. He was drunk. Just forget you ever heard it and don't say anything. Your other option is to tell your husband and risk their relationship being destroyed. Personally I would be putting it down as drunkenness.

Without knowing all the relationships around this and exactly what was said it is difficult to have a POV on where to start. He's probably mortified if it all came out after a few drinks and it sounds like he has done the right thing up until that point, as you obviously had no clue there were feelings there.

I wouldn't meet up with him, it adds fuel to the fire but I couldn't keep something like that from my DH. I would want him to tell me if my sister had expressed feelings for him. With there being no question of anything untoward happening I would probably roll my eyes and not mention it to anyone. But only you know the dynamics of your family well enough to know how best to play it. Your relationship with your husband should be the priority though I think, it isn't fair for you to now have to carry the burden.

Pretend it never happened. If he brings up the subject again don't let him - just literally tell him to stop there, you're very happy with his brother and it's not appropriate.

Kindly, the way this is written sounds like you want to meet up with BIL for drama/ ego flattery.
Please don't do this.

You need to try and forget about this and think of it as drunk talk. If BIL ever mentions it again, tell your husband.

Ignore. Nothing good can come out of having a private chat with him about this behind dh back!