BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

This. Forget it, ignore it and move on.

IF - a very unlikely if - he ever raises it again and your DH finds out, I’d say he was drunk and it was a joke. No way did I take it seriously.

There is no way I would risk destroying my DH’s relationship with his DB which will definitely happen if you tell DH.

My marriage is strong enough to cope with any potential questions if Bil raises it again - as set out above.

Don't go saying you will tell your husband, he could go telling tales to your husband. Men stick together some times. Would he believe you or his BIL. I would pretend it never happened. But avoid been alone with him.

Reminds me of love actually with Keira knightly

Just carry on as if it never happened.

He's probably mortified and regrets he said it too.

Never think or talk of it again.

Definitely ignore it this time. He may be mortified he said something and wishes he hadn't and you bringing it up could cause problems. But if he mentions it again and acts like he's waiting for a response, you have to tell your DH. It doesn't need to be a massive drama - just tell your DH that the first time you thought he was joking, which is why you never said anything, but now it's awkward.

Either totally ignore and never mention it again, or a one off statement to him (not a discussion, not a meeting, not an exploration) saying you’re never going to act on it, or mention it again.

I'd tell your husband his brother was acting out of character and forgetting himself, in a concerned way.

Otherwise you now have the possibility that your dh will find out you knew down the line and hold you responsible. It shouldn't happen but it could. I wouldn't give your bil this kind of power, given his behaviour.

Ignore completely.

If your DH finds you just say truthfully - that he was pissed, going through a bad time and it seemed like a cry for help.

I'd ignore it BUT I'd also distance myself and make sure i wasn't alone with BIL.

Otherwise you now have the possibility that your dh will find out you knew down the line and hold you responsible.

Well then he's a prick, isn't he?

Absolutely leave it. The fact that you don't give it any attention, then he will take from that that you're not interested in him. That alone will give him the answers that you need. If you turn it into a bigger issue and meet, then you are creating new secrets from your husband and giving BIL the impression that there is something to discuss. There isn't. You're happily married to his brother and that is the end of it.

Thank you so much for all your replies so far. I completely see why people are saying I'm making a drama out of it in my post, my first instinct is to catastophise situations so thank you all for helping me to see the wood from the trees. What the hell was I thinking in terms of meeting up to discuss?! God what a stupid idea!!

Agree with the responses around keeping a distance for the time being. 1-1 time and affectionate behaviour also stops here. I feel my trust has been broken in a way so need to take some time to assess my boundaries with people. Maybe I'm too open sometimes?!

Absolutely putting this down to rough patch / high emotions and will assume it'll never see the light of the day again.

OP, if I was your DH I would want to know. Your relationship with him is more important than his relationship with his brother. So I would tell him and distance yourself from your BIL. Unless there is a good reason not to.

I definitely wouldn't meet up with your BIL to discuss it.

My DM had a similar experience with a recently divorced male friend who she and DF had been friends with for several decades. She told me she was very matter of fact with him and said he was confusing friendship and love during a difficult time. Perhaps your BIL is feeling the same, getting mixed up feelings? I don’t think my DM ever told my dad and their friend eventually went on to marry someone else.

I think you have to tell your dh. Your not creating this irreparable rift in the family. It is already there.
If your dh ever found out and realised you didn't tell him, I think the rift would be worse. Imagine if it was your sister and dh, would you want to know?

It annoys me when people like this tell the other person how they feel and now the other person (OP) has this huge thing she needs to deal with when it's absolutely not of her doing and it's not her problem. What did the BIL expect to happen?? Because it's only bad things and he should have kept his feelings to himself.

@Circlesandsquares10 I'm afraid I would have to tell my DH. As, despite you saying about the bond with his brother, if you don't tell him and he finds out another way it could spell the end of your relationship because your DH thinks there's another reason you hid it from him. Your BIL is an absolute idiot to have said what he said but it shouldn't come without consequences for him and only consequences (guilt/upset) for you. If it's any help, something similar happened to me, although it wasn't a relative. I told DH who wasn't that bothered in the end because he's secure knowing I'm 100% his. I told the (married) blurter I couldn't speak to him anymore and have only said hi and avoided all conversations with him ever since. I didn't tell his wife because I have absolutely no intention on acting on the information. But if he said anything again I would.

Best option. Don't follow up on BIL and don't tell your OH. Park it with someone or somewhere you can trust, together with what you didn't do either.
Same as you would do with a work problem, you tell HR in confidence, not to complain but to keep a record that will protect you. When it's no longer needed, get it deleted.

Good update OP and a wise choice. 'Least said, soonest mended' has become a pearl of wisdom for a reason.

I really, really wish men wouldn't do this. It seems that some of them, if they have feelings for a woman or find her attractive, simply can't resist making her a present of that opinion.

I kept in touch with a number of my old university lecturers for years (this isn't as odd as it sounds, I went though from BA to MA to PhD over eight years at the same university and postgrad is a close-knit community) and still regard a number of them as my friends. But one of them, a male lecturer nearly 30 years my senior, tried this number on me. I'd sensed a couple of times he might have been testing my boundaries, but one day he crossed the line. And unfortunately once it had been crossed, there was no stepping back over it.

I was hurt, disappointed and resentful: he ruined a really good and fruitful friendship. I had no real option afterwards but to back right off, which I did for a year or so then lockdowns came along.

I heard a few months after WFH restrictions were lifted that he'd died. Whilst I grieved for our long friendship, as I'd thought it was, I didn't quite know how to feel about it. But I don't for an instant regret my decision to back off. It was the right thing for him as well as for me, and his behaviour was the cause of this.

Incidentally I told no one; excepting many years later a female member of that group who had suspected what went on (so clearly I wasn't his only target). Your decision to step back and say nothing is wise, and if it does arise again, you can simply brush it off by saying he was drunk and you didn't for an instant take him seriously.

I agree with the majority that you park this and put it out of your mind. It's only a bombshell if you let it be and he wasn't making 'a move' he was just talking when intoxicated.

You've had no idea for many years, so he's kept whatever feelings he has well hidden. I would reframe it in my mind that he'd been saying how he wishes he could find a relationship for himself like you and DH have, that he's very envious and leave it there.

Saying anything could cause tensions between you and DH, ruin his relationship with BIL and potentially set the whole wider family at odds as well and for what?

Edit. Sorry was typing when the update was posted

Ps I wouldn't do it face to face. A text will do.

I would tell your DH. Because in my experience when this comes out and it inevitably will he may well blame you.

Then he’s a massive prick.

And why is it inevitable it’ll come out?!

Of course it will come out, it's human nature.

But people have affairs for years with no one finding out?! My Nan died with no one knowing that she’d had a decades long affair!

It most definitely is not inevitable it’ll come out. It’s just as likely bil is deeply embarrassed and won’t want it mentioned again.