BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

Clearly the experience has left the OP somewhat disturbed/ shaken and she is trying to get her head around it all so can’t just leave it / pretend it never happened . Talking it through with someone to try & make sense of it/ decide how to proceed will help - but not with her BIL or DH! OP I hope there’s someone trustworthy & wise who you can talk this through with

Absolutely NOT! She must never tell her DH!

If you can't talk to husband, which you should, talk to mother-in-law or any other family member you trust. It's a family problem - unless you want to change the family. It's the BIL's problem. Unless you want to make it yours and end your marriage. And to be quite frank, if your husband trusts you and believes in your marriage - he really should be involved in sorting it. The focus should be on supporting BIL and not you. And you're not in a position to support BIL because he's just declared his undying love for you.

If you have a chat about it or mention it to Dh it just makes it worse. If one of my sisters declared their love for my DH and I found out it could be

A)Your sis was drunk and said some stuff

vs

B)Your sis was drunk and said some stuff and then we had a secret meeting to talk about what she said.

Option b would make me think that DH was hoping something would be happening and believe that could definitely get out.

I would brush it off as drunken chat but avoid being alone with him.

I’d ignore it personally

Let it go and don’t tell another soul especially if you’re not telling your husband. It’s disrespectful to him if you tell a friend, it makes it a “thing”. You haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t be alone with him & don’t get carried away by the flattery, it could spoil your life. Grass isn’t always greener.

I wouldn't keep it from DH. It'll come out one day and he'd be hurt to know you kept this from him. Sounds like BIL was drunk and upset. I would have a chat (all 3 of you together) and nip it in the bud and move on from it.

I am gobsmacked at how many people are telling you NOT to tell your husband! It's not something I would feel comfortable keeping from him.

@MumTeacherofMany , Her BIL said it when drunk. Many talk nonsense when drunk.
Telling her DH will create problems between DH & BIL, between OP & BIL, and possibly between OP & DH.
If it was a drunken 'I love you, you're my best mate' type situation, I'd just forget it ever happened.

Just leave it.
If he’s been through a lot recently and you’ve been there for him, a few drinks in he’s just exaggerated his feelings…
If he brings it up again set boundaries, but as a one off I’d leave it

@DuchessOfSausage OP said it wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. He said he has feelings for her. That's a major thing. I would without a doubt tell my DH, it's not normal & it's not ok

The feelings may be real, but sharing them was the drunken mistake.

Put them back in the box and no need to tell the dh, and cause massive hurt to both of them, if they stay there.

If he opens the box again then is the time to act.

@MumTeacherofMany , alcohol was involved. It's best ignored.

Jeez don’t meet up with him in secret from your husband. Thats a terrible idea! Personally I’d tell my husband. He’d want me to.

I think you have 2 options and one of them is definitely NOT to talk to him about his feelings. You either pretend you never heard it and move on or you tell your husband. You cannot have a conversation about it with his brother and not tell him about it... To me that's sneaky and deceitful... Like... Why?

In my marriage, I would definitely tell my husband, and not speak to Bil about it. But every relationship is different. I would not keep this hidden in case my Bil told my husband at some point.

Don’t ignore it. Let him know it made you feel ick, you love him as a brother and could never see it as more than that, though you are so happy that he is now part of your family.

let him know you know he’s been going through a lot & that he probably didn’t mean it anyway (to take away some of the weight of the conversation) & that you really want things to go back to the way they were before his drunken disclosure.

You probably could relax a bit. Nothing needs to be said to anyone ,or done. Just be flattered and move on

How often do you need to see each other socially?

I think I agree with those who are suggesting that you ignore it. It's the best way forward for everyone.
If one day it does all come up, you can tell your husband 'oh, I didn't think he was serious about that. It was a drunken moment.'
If it's all voiced in the cold light of day, then you can't deny knowing the extent of his feelings.
Sorry, OP - tricky one. I hope things won't be too awkward in future, but I'd be acting like it never happened. Fake it until you make it, and all that. Must have been a real shock though.

I think you should talk, the more you think about it the longer it will drag on it will be better for the both of you maybe you will get closer as well🙂

She's married to his brother, why on earth would she want to get closer to somebody that has feelings for her?