BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

Ignore ignore ignore! This happened to me with BFFs boyfriend, I adored him and saw our relationship as sister and brother.
He got drunk and blurted out all the feelings - completely and utterly unreciprocated BTW- and the next day I pretended it hadn’t happened and carried on as normal.

Our relationship changed a bit, I was much more careful of any tactile behaviour, didn’t go out with him alone - as we used to do, never stayed up late with him like we used to.
It was fine. I thought because I was gay he saw me as more of a ‘guy’ friend than a girl in many ways… turns out that wasn’t quite true.

This. A very good phrase.

He threw an emotional bomb into both your and DH's lives...You haven't done anything wrong. You are not responsible for BIL's well emotional well being. He is an adult and can sort his own life out without wrecking yours.

Opening an emotional discussion with him of any kind, saying things like "DH and I are here for you" would be a big mistake. It would only open more floodgates for him to think his confession has affected you. And def don't say "if you repeat this I will tell DH" That puts you in collusion with him - a secret pact that your DH won't know about. That would be a problem.

Quietly step right back and steer clear. That will send the best possible message to him without saying anything at all. Don't apologise. Don't justify.

I disagree with the idea that people will start to notice if you do step back. That will only happen if you make a big deal about it. Everyone has a busy life. If there is something your DH invites him to, make sure you invite other people too to dilute it. If he starts a convo with you, draw others in and then move back.

You don't need to jump into action. Bide your time. Hopefully, this incident will just die a natural death and you can move on and forget all about it without disturbing your DH and it will lose any importance it may have had.

You may have to change this approach and tell your DH, because ultimately honest is the best policy, but at the moment I think you can eye-roll the stupidity of him trying to draw the two of you into his mess and ignore it as drunken nonsense .

Pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. If he makes things awkward at any point because of it then deal with that head on.

And if he ever brings it up - RIOT ACT! Tell him he’s a twat of the highest order, and that he either drops this and never mentions again or you will have to blab.
I doubt he will though, if he even really meant it, he’s probably absolutely mortified.

This is wise, and lovely, and inclusive. No rifts or divisions, everyone still connected, and loving each other in appropriate ways.

Ring him and say 'you were wasted the other night, do you remember what you said to me?' Then if he says yes, I love you blah blah. Reply firmly that you don't feel the same way and it was hurtful he would hit on his bro's wife. In order for us to continue our family friendship it's not appropriate to bring that up again. Then give him a wide berth and don't contact him.

Ignore it. He had probably forgotten he said it.

Forget you ever heard it

No-one will notice if you out a bit of space between you and him, unless you do it in a dramatic way!

Chances are he may not even remember. I think my friends BF did probably but as it wasn’t discussed it did t matter. It said more about his relationship with her than mine with him.

Me personally, I would want to acknowledge and address it, but I wouldn't want to do it by meeting up and talking it through. Besides seeming quite intense and even a bit 'date' like, it also leaves room for misunderstanding over anything that is said. I'd be happy to talk with him about it, but I would want to do it in writing over email/message. Just speaking from experience with family members, I like to have critical conversations written down so no one can dispute what was said or twist my words or gaslight me in the future. It also helps just to know that you know what was said, actually written down in front of you, so you don't think you imagined it or misunderstood or got the language used wrong.

Just tell him that youre not interested and that you will tell your husband if he does or says it again.

but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

Because he wants an affair.

1. Tell your husband, that will put an end to your turmoil.

Option 2. You may be right, his feelings may well dissipate now he's opened up to you. Even if they don't, there is no benefit to telling anyone imo.

I have been in a similar situation although not with a relative but a work colleague/friend.
After the initial shock I basically explained that we both know nothing could/would ever happen and for the sake of the friendship I was happy to pretend the conversation never happened.
He was very relieved (i yhink he just wanted to get it off his chest and as soon as he said it realised how ridiculous it was) and we're still friends 15 years later.

In short I don't think you should just ignore it but also don't allow it to grow legs. Kindly put him straight that for the sake of his current relationship with you and DH you both need to forget it happened.

Absolutely ignore it. If he brings it up again or anything verging on inappropriate stop him in his tracks and say it’s not a discussion to have. I think it’s unlikely though and he probably woke up mortified and with the worst alcohol induced anxiety

Why the drama and proposed meeting?

BIL said something stupid. Presumably, although I'm not certain, from your posting style, you are not going to act in it. Forget it, it's nonsense and telling your husband serves no purpose.

It does sound like you are ridiculously flattered and somewhat delighted with the attention.

You sound like you are making a bit too much of a drama out of this tbh.

Ignore it and carry on as normal. If he brings it up again just say that you are not interested- you really don’t need to worry about hurting his feelings.

Tell your DH if BIL does mention it again but otherwise don’t tell him.

'My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness'

Is the thing he has been through a divorce/end of long term relationship/bereavement OP? If it is then you have to give him a pass for this one. These things can do really weird things to people and you have to have a mindset that they aren't acting like themselves for a reason and that reason is making them behave strangely. My brain, when I was going through a traumatic divorce, made some WILD decisions and I also said some really odd, untrue stuff when I was drunk. Leave it, otherwise you could position yourself as the trouble maker of the family and it could blow up in YOUR face.

Put yourself and your ego aside. I suspect this has very little to do with you, it sounds like your BIL has just projected some stuff on to you. If I was you I'd just say to yourself that his feelings are not your business and absolve yourself of any responsibility for it.

He was pissed fgs - leave it be.

From your message the vibe is are enjoying the situation too much, this is obviously flattering, and you may be bored with your personal life, but just no, sweep under the carpet, pretend it never happened. You are intelligent, you know perfectly well where this 'conversation in the light of day' would lead. You will regret it later if you don't sweep it under the carpet.

I agree with that. When drunk, people say all sorts of silly things, sometimes based on a stray thought they had years ago. Everyone has stray thoughts but they don't generally act on them. However, booze loosens the inhibitions and the adventurous side.

Try not to be in his company again if he has had a lot to drink. It wasn't very nice of him to be drunk in company anyway but it happens.

You’re best placed to judge whether to tell DH
If he’s sensible and kind, let him know. “Poor bil got drunk and said he had a crush on me” if only to cover your back.
Definitely don’t feed it- never mention it to BIL

This is exactly what I would do too.

It's his problem, don't let it become yours. It was incredibly selfish of him to even bring this to you. Pretend it never happened and if he tries to bring it up again, shut it down straight away and tell him you never, ever want to hear about it again or this intrusion will cause a lifelong rift with his brother.

Option 2. Ignore and delete from your memory.