BIL confession - WWYD?

[Circlesandsquares10]

Apologies this is a long one.

Completely out of the blue, My BIL confessed that he has feelings for me and has done for many years. To say this was a shock of a lifetime is a complete understatement - I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. He is currently single - no kids on either side.

We've always had a great relationship and an affection towards each other that I perceived to be purely sibling-like (I've known him since we were teenagers) so to find out that he's had secret and supposedly long-term feelings that I had no awareness of has stunned me.

When he made this confession, alcohol was involved but the sincerity with which he spoke made me feel certain this wasn't a drunken throwaway comment. I was completely shell shocked and just didn't know what to say or do.

So where do I go from here? For my own sanity I feel like I need to talk to him in the cold light of day. I want to understand his motive for telling me and set some boundaries for how we will interact moving forward. However I'm worried that if I initiate this conversation i.e. ask to meet up, it makes it "real" and I'm acknowledging and becoming implicit in the situation?

The other option is to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. Perhaps telling me was the closure he needed but the trouble is now I'M carrying around a huge burden of a secret that I would've been quite happy to never know!

My head is a mess and I'm so worried that if things get left unsaid we will inevitably feel the need to talk about this later down the line and it might be the wrong place and time.

At this point, I can't even think about what my DH would say if he found out - it makes me sick to my stomach to know I'm now keeping this from him. They are very close and I have no intention of creating an irreparable rift in the family but I just can't for the life of me understand why my BIL felt the need to put this on me with the knowledge that now we both know something that my DH doesn't.

My BIL has been through a lot lately and part of me wonders whether this is just a cry for help. I don't want to make a 'big deal' over something that may have just come from a place of confusion and sadness, but also I feel uncomfortable leaving such a big (and sincere) admission hanging in the balance without having asked questions and being clear on how to move forward.

Please help me navigate this situation!

1. YANBU - to want to meet up and talk through in a neutral setting so we know where we stand. But of course this means I will be acknowledging the confession and potentially hear more about the extent of his feelings which could rock me even further.

2. YABU - just leave it - block it from my mind and just hope that it never gets brought up again? I have to assume these feelings will disappear for him at some point, and maybe opening up was the beginning of the end. With this option I will have to accept that I don't really have a voice in the situation as I was too shocked to respond effectively when he first told me!

3. Something else?! I'm at a loss here and just feel completely stumped at what to do. Please, WWYD?

This man is single and probably life for his brother looks "greener" than his own life. He needs to get less of an entwined life with his brother and go out to do things on his own to meet someone. He is maybe standing in the shadow of his brother instead of expanding his own life outwards. Some adults become entwined in their parents lives/ needs and as the person gets older it holds them from meeting someone. Sounds like bil is doing the same. And no need to tell your husband.

Looks like you're enjoying this situation. Just forget it and move on. If he broaches it again say sorry but this conversation is really inappropriate and shut it down. There's nothing to "meet and discuss" 🙄

Yeah, never speak of it again. You’ll make it a thing if you talk about it.

I agree with this.
If you met up with him that makes it much more of a secret to keep from your DH, than just mentally filing it under “drunk people say stupid stuff” and never mentioning it again. Even though you are sure he is sincere and it wasn’t just the booze.

@cerisepanther73

Ta! what a lovely thing to say, you've made my day!

Agree with the consensus. Don't say anything but distance yourself and no more one to one or affection. No inside jokes or teasing or anything that you saw as part of your sibling relationship. If he ever mentions it again, tell him you consider his admission a betrayal to his brother, and then tell your DH. If it ever comes up in public just say that he mentioned this once but you assumed it was drunken nonsense and didn't want to rock the boat, you've forgotten all about it and would have assumed he did also.

I also think it makes sense that similar people would be romantically interested in similar people, and to find siblings of the people you like attractive. I really fancy my DP's cousin. Wild horses wouldn't drag this out of me IRL, I've never told anyone. I am pretty sure it's that he talks, acts and looks so much like my DP (or how my DP would look if he were younger and went to the gym). Nothing to dwell on, BIL should have kept it in his head.

You will turn this non-event into a big issue if you carry on thinking about what he said. He was drunk. He's probably extremely embarrased about it all, if he even remembers. Forget about it and talk to him as normal the next time you see him.

Bravo! Spot on!

I truly appreciate each and every response, POV and pearl of wisdom - thank you so much (apart from "grow up" - there's always one 😂)

I feel a lot clearer on my course of action moving forward. I'll definitely be pretending it didn't happen and if anything else ever gets said it'll be shut down immediately. I won't allow us to get into a circumstance where that could arise.

In case you missed my last update, I am so grateful to have been told by all of you that meeting up is an insane idea. I completely see that now. The advice was given to me by my one friend I've confided in and tbh my gut went against that the moment she mentioned it. I have no intention of adding fuel to the fire.

In regards to telling DH - I won't be doing this, purely for the sake of the family and the fact there has been a lot of upheaval and trauma recently. As others have said I think bil was coming from a place of mistaking the support both DH and I have been offering as something that he wants/needs full time in his life and projecting that onto me as the only stable female influence he has got. But either way it was absolutely inappropriate and can never happen again. I'm ready to let this go and focus on my marriage as I've always done.

You keep things from your partner, everyone does. Not as a secret, but unless you recite your entire day to your partner every day you miss out things that are irrelevant and not worth mentioning.

This comes under that category, unless you an immature teenager with no filters.

BIL was drunk, said something silly, not worth mentioning.

If it "comes out in the end", the answer is, he was drunk and it was just drunk ramblings I never took it seriously - if you think your partner would have issues with you over that then you have trust issues in your relationship.

If BIL tries to take it further then it's a different story.

I'd ignore it OP.. BIL was selfish even if drunk to put that on you and to decieve his own brother!! I'd be quite cross actually, for, as you very rightly said, feeling the need to keep it away from DH who you sound very happy with.

Wether or not he wanted you to ditch DH for him - your family wouldnt be the same so i'd stay firmly where you are OP and if somewhere down the line he tried to approach you to justify what was said, i'd nip it straight in the bud there and then and let BIL know you see him as a brother and nothing more.

If you can miss family meet ups now and again it might make things a bit easier for you OP - heaven knows what kind of thoughts you'd be bashing yourself with because of feeling awks or like your keeping secrets from poor DH.

Ignore ignore ignore. Say hi when you have to and stick to DH like glue if you do have to attend family gatherings.

Poor you OP. Good Luck

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️. This, I'd be raging

Had you been drinking too? If so then even if he remembers telling you, claiming that you don't remember is a reasonable claim if he ever brings it up again. It's hard but try to just carry on as normal, and if he does ever bring it up again you now have time to work out exactly what to say to make your position clear to him. Think of this as a head start.

Sounds like you have a good plan op. If he does bring it up again as well as letting him know you do not have feelings for him, also let him know how cross you are that he's put you in such an awkward position twice, with no encouragement and you will have to now inform your dh.

Why do men do this, I've had more than one confession of love from men I haven't shown any interest in. I wouldn't dream of approaching a man I wasn't in a relationship with and declaring my undying love. Do they think that we're so kind we'll just date them out of pity?

This. The idea that we should all go around confessing everything all the time is fundamentally selfish.

Exact same thing happened to me with my exes brother years and years ago. I just pretended it never happened. Never spoke of it again. No one knows apart from my now 18 year old daughter, his niece, and she doesn’t think much of it. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. He most certainly won’t tell your partner and you don’t need to. Just keep it to yourself and move on. However if he mentions it again you need to nip this in the bud.

You say he was in the drink people say all sorts when alcohol is involved but chances are he’s no recollection of saying it; I just act shocked if he ever says anything again & pretend it’s the first time you’ve heard it c

I wonder if this is more common than we think.Years ago DM(now sadly passed) confessed he BIL told her he had feelings for her .She was horrified ,and told him she was very happy with my Dad .Just avoided seeing him too much or being alone with him

My advice-dont go there (unless you have sexual feelings for him AND you are prepared to destroy your marriage). Talking about it with BIL will only make him think that you are wanting more info/dialogue. Least said, soonest mended.

Your BIL is a bit of a dick putting this on you.

Hes just potentially blown up his relationship with his brother and possibly your marriage

What a tough situation. In this instance, try to forget/pretend he never told you. No good can come of discussing it. You've said you have a great relationship - keep it as that.

Hi OP, what an awkward situation for you.

I haven't read all the responses, so this may duplicate others, but personally I'd try to forget it happened and put in some new boundaries like you suggested - no being alone with him and behave in a cooler manner (though not so abrupt that it would be noticed by others).

If he were to ever mention it again then immediately shut him down by telling him you have no interest in him in that way and will be forced to tell your DH should he ever mention it again.

Hopefully in the cold light of day he's regretting his admission (if he even remembers) and will not say anything more.

Haven't rtft so apologies of this has been done to death (cancel the cheque etc) but...

Watch AIBU on iplayer, and do the opposite to main character. You'll be fine then.

I'd leave it. He said something stupid when he was drunk. No point in everybody falling out. Proceed as normal. Nothing has happened anyway.