No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

Are the rich future in-laws paying? Then more of their mates will be there. Most of my friends whose parents’ paid, invited the parents’ friend circle / random rellies. Seems most likely.

YABU not to just ask outright if you’re invited. You don’t have to do it in a confrontational way, just mention you haven’t received an invite and wanted to double check in case it got lost. She will probably get defensive - just shut it down and say ‘I’m not trying to starta debate, I just wanted to know either way’ TBH if she wants to end your friendship over that then you are well rid! She sounds awful anyway…

Come on, you are an NHS doctor, you must have difficult conversations every day. Just treat it as you would a work conversation, factual, not emotional and get your answer either way.

If you aren’t invited I would start to pull back a bit, I’d not send a card either as the bride clearly doesn’t care, but I am petty like that.

Not sure what being an NHS doctor has got to do with it?

The guest list is up to the bride and groom. They might be keeping it to their own friends and families. I have friends’ children I’m very fond of, but I wouldn’t expect to be invited to their weddings (I’d be a bit gutted if I was tbh, as I find weddings a bore).

I like this!

Seems like a good way to approach the subject.

Weddings are an absolute minefield and without knowing individual circumstances it stands to reason that someone is bound to feel miffed at not being invited. The couple may not wish to invite people that they rarely see over good friends - there could be budgetary restraints or limited numbers.
A few years ago we were missed off a wedding invite list but the reasons given were both reasonable and valid. So to negate any bad feelings on either side of the bride and grooms families a decision was made that certain relatives such as aunts/uncles for example were not invited on either side. As the bride and groom both had large numbers of siblings these was in my view quite valid especially when you consider that the venue had limited numbers and that all the siblings had their families too.
My daughter had a similar problem in that if they invited cousins on the grooms side then that inflated numbers by 14 whereas on the bride side would be only 2 so the decision was made that no cousins were invited across both sides.
When you take into account various re-marriages and divorces trying to plan a wedding where everyone is happy is virtually impossible. Someone will be hurt or miffed. Whether you send a gift is entirely up to you but you could just as easily send a card wishing the happy couple well. Then wait to see the photos of the happy day.

Would an NHS doctor not have difficult conversations every day? Seems she is not able to do this with her friend so I suggested putting her work hat on.

"Their wedding, their choices."

No reason for the daughter to invite her mum's friend, even if you are a "friend of the family."

I wouldn't take it as a slight.

Yeah this. ^ Balls to not saying anything, next time she mentions this grand wedding, just say 'you are talking about this a lot - and I still don't know if I am invited, so I'm finding it hard to listen to.' See what she says. I would not be sitting there listening to a so called good friend jabbering on about her precious daughter's fucking wedding, and all her FRIENDS who are going, if I was not invited. It's rude and arrogant and thoughtless of her.

Ask her outright @AngelinaSpin next time she starts blathering on about it. If she says 'well actually, no you're not invited' just say 'oh, OK then.' Then change the subject, and give her a wide berth from then on. She doesn't sound like much of a good friend, and it seems like you are more invested in her and her family's life, than she is in you and yours.

Oh, and if you're not invited, do NOT send a gift. I wouldn't even send a card if it were me.

Oh, and what did she say when you mentioned wearing the dress that you would have worn for her other DC (had you not got covid?) You mentioned you had said something to her about it, but didn't say what she said.

Finally, like a pp, I am also wondering what you being an 'NHS doctor' has got to do with anything?!

It is because you didn’t show up at the last one. I’d just give them a gift and forget about it.

My elder son has got married. His siblings have not yet.

I wouldn't expect their guest lists to be the same as his. Why would they be?

Do people really think it was the no-show at the last wedding? The OP had covid!

JUST ASK HER.

It maybe you have been invited and the invitation is lost. It maybe that its numbers are tight and the groom has a big family. Maybe they are adopting a young couples approach of we are basically just inviting our immediate family and our mutual friends - no one that's not known to both of us.

If you've been invited, she'll think you are rude for not replying and not coming. You'll think you've been excluded. If there's a numbers/policy explanation, you'll never know if you don't ask and will fester on it; she'll think you are bitch for never asking about the wedding. No one speaks about it because they think there is a problem and you become distant as friends and then ghost each other.

You don't need to make a song and dance about it. Just next time she mentions it, just say almost in passing 'do think they will invite me or is it mainly the couples own friends?' or 'do you think Younger One will invite me to her wedding like Older One did or is it a small event'.

It needs be very casual, like you are wondering because you've got twenty invitations that day and have just thought of it, must be worded to suggest its the COUPLES decision not your friends, and gives her an easy out to say 'probaby not they are only inviting their best friends' or the venue is tiny.

If you are going to ask DO IT NOW because the closer it gets to the date the harder it will become and the less likely you'll have the courage to do it.

I would send a card and wish them well.

Your friend sounds thoughtless and clueless about you not being invited.
If she keeps going on about it, say something like:
'It all sounds wonderful, I would love to see the photos afterwards as I am assuming you know that I haven't been invited.'

I would particularly say this if she keeps mentioning mutual friends are going.

TBH, it might be that you were an oversight - neither top of mind for the bride or your friend about who should be invited. I don't mean this in a horrible way either OP. Sorry, this is happening.

I doubt you're not invited because you were ill for the last one. But it might have given your friend/friend's daughter an excuse not to invite you. Sort of "Oh well, it's not as if she was at xxxx's wedding.'

You are assuming she knows you have not been invited. She may be blissfully unaware. Just raise the issue gently.

@SiobhanSharpe

Re: "parents friends you've known for 30+ years..."

I mean, just speaking in my case here but a lot of my parents friends are people they've known since before I was born (school, uni, a group of work friends from my dad's first job who became best friends, neighbour from their first house who did antenatal group with my mum), therefore ive known them 30+ years. Inviting all of them (+ partners bearing in mind they themselves are all married) would genuinely mean adding 25 people to the guest list. And that's just me, not thinking about my fiancé and his parents friends...

This is a very odd and mean-spirited conclusion to leap to. Were you hoping to make her feel shit?

I can sympathise OP - we've paid for our daughter's wedding in March.

The invites have gone out.

My friend, who my children have known all their lives, has not been invited.

But, as PP point out - it's their wedding, not your friend's.

There will be 12 of our side of the family (brides's) attending and what feels like thousands from the groom's side.

I'm bemused.

You don't need to make a song and dance about it. Just next time she mentions it, just say almost in passing 'do think they will invite me or is it mainly the couples own friends?' or 'do you think Younger One will invite me to her wedding like Older One did or is it a small event'.

this is good

If I was getting married again, you'd be sat next to me top table. Imagine getting the undivided attention of a GP for more than four minutes, and face to face.

No need for a gift but bring your prescription pad, I'll be needing testosterone to match my HRT, and DH is struggling to get his fungal toenail cleared up. I'm good on the smear but looking for an easy fix for my weight gain

I don't want you distracted by my diabetic Aunt, it's my wedding day, and it's all about me.

I would be amazed if 'friends of the bride's mum' made the wedding cut! I wouldn't be expecting an invitation in those circumstances.

Secondly, I don't think your friend is being awful one bit for being excited and talking about the wedding - it's her daughter getting married!

She might be - perfectly reasonably - just happy that the plans are gathering pace and enjoying talking about it, without thinking for a second that you're stewing away indignantly, as you're not exactly close to the bride and groom!

I think I'd have to approach it with her.
Be honest about your thoughts .
If you def aren't invited then still send a gift for sure

When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding.

Fuck me, that's presumptious.

Your OP doesn't seem to mention anything about a relationship with the bride beyond sending her cards. In that situation I would certainly not expect an invite, let alone be upset at not getting one.

One of my Mum's mates was like this about our wedding- fell out with my mum. It was nothing to do with my mum and it's nothing to do with your friend that her daughter has not invited you.

It's a bit weird that she's chatting away to you about a wedding you're not invited to. In fact that's very weird. I'd just ask her about it tbh.