Page 13 | No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

FixTheBone · 17/01/2024 18:54

Different families will have different opinions on this.

I invited around 20 friends and immediate family, my wife invited about 80, including her mum's hairdresser.....

StockpotSoup · 17/01/2024 19:09

midnightfeastfeats · 16/01/2024 23:03

@LaurieStrode

Wow, that's cold.

It never occurred to you that your mother might have liked to share the event with her longtime close friend, so they could reminisce about it afterward?

The people you invite are more than spectators to your big Princesse Day, you know. Some consideration for their experience is in order.

I completely agree with this. It's very self centred and also short sighted. I think it's a generational thing and younger people are more selfish and tend to be all about inviting who they consider are their friends to celebrate with them at their big day. It's also not just about the parents wanting to share it with their friends, its about the close friends who irrespective of how the children feel, are likely to be people (like the OP) who has known the child their whole life, paid attention, been interested and feel like an 'aunty' or 'uncle' in that wider sense of the word.

If you look at guest lists or photos for older generations weddings, there are typically lots of friends of the bride and grooms parents there who know the children. Admittedly that is partly because historically the bride's parents would be the main payer but it's not just that - it's a shift in values and attitudes.

If you think about it, the chances are if a person in their late 20s or early 30s invites "their mates", the overwhelming probability is that in 10 years or 20 years time, they won't even see half of these people or still be in touch with them. They will be 'friends of convenience' wearing a mantle of 'good friend' that is shed when they move away or don't work with them any more. On the other hand, the parents' longstanding friends, who've known you since you were 1,2,3,4,5, etc, will probably still be around and interested in you, even if you don't give a tiny rats ass.

Something else I'd add is that when your parents die, you will hugely value contact with their longstanding friends who will keep them alive in their memories of them. If you are grieving, there is nothing more comforting that having a longstanding friend of your parent, reminisce with you about the friend they loved. It's not necessarily the best thing to just assume these people are nothing to you, even if it might feel like that today, it may not tomorrow.

There’s one major flaw in this argument. You’re claiming that the majority of friends brides and grooms have in their 20s and 30s will fall away. And I’m sure some will. But clearly not all do. Otherwise, how do you think the parents of these brides and grooms even have lifelong friends? The people you claim will be involved with and interested in their children forever? Surely these amazing friends must have been in their 20s or 30s at one point - and at one point, they were all new friends too.

I’m not naïve enough to think every friendship lasts forever. But how do you expect people to build these long-lasting friendships if they don’t include said friends in major moments in their lives - e.g. their wedding? How long does a friend have to be around before they’re on an equal footing with your mum’s friend you don’t see from one year to the next, but you feel compelled to invite because you’ve known her since you were five? For every “Auntie Flo - well, she’s not my actual aunt, but she’s my mum’s best friend who I’ve known forever”, there could be five people the bride’s mother once thought would be forever friends too.

You're very disparaging about people inviting “their mates” - but how do you know these mates aren’t going to become the friends their children end up thinking of as auntie and uncle? The exact kind of friends whose corner you’re fighting?

StockpotSoup · 17/01/2024 19:13

SweetBirdsong · 16/01/2024 22:14

And yet these people who are chuffed that their friends are taking an interest in their children.. (small, school age, and college and uni age and adult,) AND the adult children themselves, can't be fucked to invite these people who invested so much time and effort and money in them - for 25 or so years - to their wedding.

I agree with the pp. People need to distance themselves from their friends children. As the children (when they are younger - and older,) don't seem to give a shit about their parents very good lifelong friends.

Some people are acting like the OP is worthless to this family. Like FFS OP, why should this woman's daughter invite you? After all, you are ONLY her mother's close friend of 30 years, who has been close to the family/the children and bought them cards and gifts for birthdays and Christmas, for several decades, and shown constant interest in them for their whole life!'

Fucking hell! I'm glad I don't have some of you people in my life!

Edited

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God, if my mom was friends with a self-entitled drama queen like you, I’d not only be keeping you a long way from my wedding - I’d be encouraging my mom to run fast and far from you too.

midnightfeastfeats · 17/01/2024 19:39

@StockpotSoup

There’s one major flaw in this argument. You’re claiming that the majority of friends brides and grooms have in their 20s and 30s will fall away. And I’m sure some will. But clearly not all do. Otherwise, how do you think the parents of these brides and grooms even have lifelong friends? The people you claim will be involved with and interested in their children forever? Surely these amazing friends must have been in their 20s or 30s at one point - and at one point, they were all new friends too.

I’m not naïve enough to think every friendship lasts forever. But how do you expect people to build these long-lasting friendships if they don’t include said friends in major moments in their lives - e.g. their wedding? How long does a friend have to be around before they’re on an equal footing with your mum’s friend you don’t see from one year to the next, but you feel compelled to invite because you’ve known her since you were five? For every “Auntie Flo - well, she’s not my actual aunt, but she’s my mum’s best friend who I’ve known forever”, there could be five people the bride’s mother once thought would be forever friends too.

You're very disparaging about people inviting “their mates” - but how do you know these mates aren’t going to become the friends their children end up thinking of as auntie and uncle? The exact kind of friends whose corner you’re fighting?

This is absolutely idiotic as a response to what I wrote. "One major flaw in the argument" is not a flaw at all because you have missed the point totally. It's so stupid I can barely be bothered to explain to you why it is stupid. All it shows is that I've touched a nerve with you quite severely. You should reflect on why that is.

"how do you expect people to build these long-lasting friendships if they don’t include said friends in major moments in their lives - e.g. their wedding?" is madness. I never said 'don't invite your any of your friends'. LOL.

I was pointing out that the modern trend of younger people is to prioritise a large group of perceived friends as being the 'most important people in our lives' at the total expense of longstanding relationships (not merely 'a friend of the parent' but a close friend of the parent who has known you your whole life, given gifts, been interested and so on). It was encapsulated by the poster who wrote of such a person 'she's nothing to me' or words to that effect so no one like that is invited at all.

It's not an all or nothing situation. It's a choice and your choices reflect your character, your respect for your parents and what is important to you.

StockpotSoup · 17/01/2024 19:43

😆😆😆 You’re deranged.

Dynababy · 17/01/2024 20:39

Next time she brings anything up to do with it just say something like ooh please do share the photos I’d love to see the big day! That conveys you haven’t been invited without any confrontation.. then if you should have been invited she can express surprise etc at what you said?

Findinganewme · 17/01/2024 21:14

your friend could do better by being more considerate about your non-requested attendance.
it does not seem unreasonable that a bride & groom may choose to have their nearest and dearest at their wedding, rather than their parents friends.
gifts are customary from those invited to a wedding, but if you really feel like giving a token gift, that’s kind.

crampycrumpet · 17/01/2024 22:03

Just leave it but definitely no gift needed

Zerosleep · 17/01/2024 22:39

I think I would have to ask politely if I am invited. If the answer is no then no card and no gift.

Blueink · 17/01/2024 23:21

Although your friend may be defensive, you need to find a way to directly ask if you’re invited. It seems odd she would be so tactless and would be wondering if my invitation was lost in the post.

Midwinter91 · 17/01/2024 23:23

How do two sisters both get millionaire husbands?

MustWeDoThis · 17/01/2024 23:58

AngelinaSpin · 16/01/2024 14:43

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

Don't be a martyr. You owe them nothing. It sounds like you have already done enough for them.

Send a gard with a blunt/simple good luck (and I mean a very cheap card. Maybe even leave the price sticker on it. It's OK to make a statement and show them some humiliation. God knows they already sound thoughtless.) I would not even dare to send a gift - Do not waste your generosity.

On the wedding day I would do something nice and wear your expensive dress - Go to a cocktail bar with some friends and have a bottomless brunch all the way into the evening. I would even post photos. This shows you do not need them and are powerful enough on your own feet.

StockpotSoup · 18/01/2024 00:34

Midwinter91 · 17/01/2024 23:23

How do two sisters both get millionaire husbands?

Ask Kate and Pippa Middleton…

CelestiaNoctis · 18/01/2024 01:42

I wouldn't invite my mums friend to my wedding either. I think it's fine to have said at this point that you wish you could be there but you respect her choice obviously, just sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun and shame to miss it. I don't see how she could get defensive about that really. But yeah, you are her mums friend and not hers and clearly the first daughter just feels differently to the second for whatever reason but its almost certainly not a personal insult.

OldPerson · 18/01/2024 06:51

The subject has to be brought up or the friendship is over. It is possible that the bridal family are annoyed at OP for having Covid on first wedding. You don't know how much pressure the friend may have put on first daughter to secure an invitation for friend. You don't know how that affected the wedding planning. And you don't know how p*ssed off they were with a last minute cancelation. We don't know how profuse the apology was from OP. A perfunctary apology and gift does not always cut it. How excited was OP to see wedding photos? How thoughtful was the gift? Was the apology just a logical, I have Covid and therefore cannot attend? Or was the OP devastated not to be able to attend? The reaction of OP to not being able to attend first wedding, probably sealed her fate for second wedding.

phoenixrosehere · 18/01/2024 07:28

MustWeDoThis · 17/01/2024 23:58

Don't be a martyr. You owe them nothing. It sounds like you have already done enough for them.

Send a gard with a blunt/simple good luck (and I mean a very cheap card. Maybe even leave the price sticker on it. It's OK to make a statement and show them some humiliation. God knows they already sound thoughtless.) I would not even dare to send a gift - Do not waste your generosity.

On the wedding day I would do something nice and wear your expensive dress - Go to a cocktail bar with some friends and have a bottomless brunch all the way into the evening. I would even post photos. This shows you do not need them and are powerful enough on your own feet.

Show quote history

Send a gard with a blunt/simple good luck (and I mean a very cheap card. Maybe even leave the price sticker on it. It's OK to make a statement and show them some humiliation. God knows they already sound thoughtless.) I would not even dare to send a gift - Do not waste your generosity

How would this be humiliation or be a statement?

It could be easily seen as OP giving a card and she forgot the price sticker. Also, her going out and posting pictures, could easily be seen as OP going out not as an FU to her friend and the bride unless you mean to show herself which makes the comment even stranger.

OP refuses to say despite many posters including myself asking how close she is to the actual bride and when was the last time they spoke or seen each other which if she had seen the bride recently or talked to her, she would have said so, right?

Instead of assuming the worse, she could just do the simple thing as many have suggested to just speak up and tell her friend she hadn’t received an invitation. Automatically assuming ill will, says more about OP than it does her friend who may not know she hasn’t been invited. They have been friends for more than long enough for it to have been an easy thing to have done by now. It’s as simple as saying, “oh that all sounds lovely but I haven’t received an invitation” and see what her friend says.

Do wonder what OP will do if her friend didn’t know and goes to her daughter about it and the daughter said she didn’t invite her because xyz. The friend can’t force her to if that is the case.

MoonWoman69 · 18/01/2024 07:32

I think people are missing the whole point of OPs post.
When you have been treated as part of a family for so many years and feel as if you are, it's a bit hurtful when things like this crop up. It isn't a matter of expecting to be invited, but a little bit of thought and tact is a nice consideration. Even from the OPs friend - I'm sorry we/X can't invite you to the wedding, numbers are tight/keeping costs down. It's a bit of a snub when you've been around and part of the "gang" for so long.

@OldPerson

How on earth are you supposed to apologise for not being able to attend a wedding when you have an illness? Is there some wringing of hands, wrenching of garments that should go on for weeks?! Seriously!
And I should think OP was both delighted and a little sad to view photographs from an event she was unable to attend due to illness! Is there also some etiquette people need to follow when viewing photographs?! It's real life, not some am dram rehearsal!!! Some people! 🙄

CleaningAngel · 18/01/2024 07:40

Firstly do not put yourself down saying you may not be worthy, fgs you are a Dr its not exactly run of the mill minimum wage gutter job!! They have treated you appallingly
I wouldn't mention it again, if your friend mentions it change the subject,in fact just be a bit unavailable next time she rings or wants to go out,back off the friendship a bit,and no do not send a card or present they're not worthy of your kindness, as now they are marrying rich people, your present will be insignificant to people like that now.
There is an old saying ' remember your friends on your way up, you'll sure need them.on your way down'

phoenixrosehere · 18/01/2024 08:03

MoonWoman69 · 18/01/2024 07:32

I think people are missing the whole point of OPs post.
When you have been treated as part of a family for so many years and feel as if you are, it's a bit hurtful when things like this crop up. It isn't a matter of expecting to be invited, but a little bit of thought and tact is a nice consideration. Even from the OPs friend - I'm sorry we/X can't invite you to the wedding, numbers are tight/keeping costs down. It's a bit of a snub when you've been around and part of the "gang" for so long.

@OldPerson

How on earth are you supposed to apologise for not being able to attend a wedding when you have an illness? Is there some wringing of hands, wrenching of garments that should go on for weeks?! Seriously!
And I should think OP was both delighted and a little sad to view photographs from an event she was unable to attend due to illness! Is there also some etiquette people need to follow when viewing photographs?! It's real life, not some am dram rehearsal!!! Some people! 🙄

It’s understandable but OP doesn’t know for sure that she hasn’t been invited. She hasn’t said anything to the friend at all and just as she is assuming all sorts of things, her friend could be assuming she has been invited.

The way OP wrote about her wearing the dress she bought and being excited about the wedding, I could see the possibility that the friend could think she had talked to her daughter herself before notices came out or notices have come out and friend thinks she has received one since OP has said nothing at all to the contrary.

If this friend had a history of being inconsiderate and tactless wouldn’t OP have stated that? Instead, she has posted a single reply about worthiness and that’s it. She is probably busy of course, but posters assuming the friend is inconsiderate or OP is being treated horribly is a bit off with nothing much to go by.

Devonsongbird · 18/01/2024 08:25

I really feel for you. What an awkward situation.
My personal view (which may be unpopular) is:
if you feel close to the family by all means send a card and gift because a card/gift represents your happiness for them, whether you’re invited to the wedding or not.
if talking to your defensive friend isn’t an option then you’ll just have to accept it I suppose. (I’ve always found it difficult to have a close friendship with someone if you can’t talk openly and honestly about something).

T1Dmama · 18/01/2024 08:54

thedefinitive · 16/01/2024 14:56

I think you're annoyed because she's rubbing your face in it, telling you about all of her other friends who are going.

I'd leave it for a bit and then I'd confirm further down the line that you're definitely not invited (in a non confrontational way, more like just checking your invite didn't get lost in the post) and then I'd just send a card (if you can be arsed!) but definitely not a gift.

This.

I wouldn’t expect an invite, but I’d be hurt if other friends were invited and not me. Are you not even invited to the evening reception?
I would buy a card and something tacky like a photo frame or china horse shoe for good luck and that’s it. I wouldn’t give the same as you did the other daughter who actually invited you. Or just a cheap bottle of Chardonnay.
Maybe reduce visits while all the wedding chat is going on or keep
changing subject …
mits possible of course that your friend doesn’t know you’re not invited? Or that the invite for lost?? So I’d just politely ask ‘do you know if I’m invited? As I need to book the day off if I am’

Freckles65 · 18/01/2024 09:25

Both of my children have married their partners in the last couple of years. Both children approached it very differently.
Just a thought .. you were right not to go the the previous wedding because of Covid but did your friend, bride and groom share the same view?

vickylou78 · 18/01/2024 09:25

Op you shouldn't assume that you will be invited to any wedding. At end if the day it's not your friends wedding it's her daughters and future son in laws decision who they want to invite. I wouldn't have thought that I had to invite my parents friends.

I would guess that the venue they have chosen has a limit on numbers and they may have lots of friends a larger family on grooms side etc. You have to draw the line somewhere don't you.

As for your friend talking about the wedding well if you are friends surely she can share her excitement about the wedding of her daughter with you. I'd be so excited for my friends and there wouldn't be any expectations of me being invited to their children's weddings.

I think you just need to suck it up really. You may be invited to the evening party?

LoveLifeBeHappy · 18/01/2024 09:52

Lemonandginger1 · 17/01/2024 18:46

Having planned my wedding recently and had my MIL asking if she could invite her best friend, we said no. It's not discounting the importance of the friendship, or trying to be rude, it's just there's other family and friends who get priority. Don't take it personally but send a card and a small gift if you feel you'd like to.

I agree with this.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 18/01/2024 12:19

I haven't RTFT but... why oh why do friends of the bride or groom's PARENTS expect to be invited to the wedding??! You are the least important category of potential guest as far as the couple are concerned. The B&G are, naturally, going to give a higher priority to their own friends and their own family, before they even start thinking about some mate of their mum's. It's not about you! And it's irrelevant that your friend's other daughter invited you to her wedding - a completely different event, with a different bride and groom.
Don't feel you have to send a present, though. Why would you?