No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

Yeah this is a good idea @AngelinaSpin You do need to ASK!

It maybe you have been invited and the invitation is lost. It maybe that its numbers are tight and the groom has a big family. Maybe they are adopting a young couples approach of we are basically just inviting our immediate family and our mutual friends - no one that's not known to both of us.

My friend's daughter did this last year. Just both sets of parents, 2 nans, 1 grandad (other one deceased,) their siblings and siblings partners, (2 siblings each,) 2 little nieces aged 7 and 8, and about 25-30 friends and colleagues of them both. No partners of the friends or colleagues were invited, and NO friends of their parents or siblings. And NO extended family.

Got right up the nose of her extended family. About a dozen aunts and cousins haven't spoken to them since, and didn't send them a Christmas card. BRUTAL. 😆 Some people are just twats. (Not you OP!)

It's not your friend's wedding it's her daughter's wedding.
So it's up to her daughter who she invites. It's that simple. It doesn't matter that you were invited to the other wedding. Because that was someone else's wedding.

It may be hard to hear but outside of family I would rather the room is filled with our friends and not my parents friends

It is the B&G’s wedding not your friends and while it was nice for the eldest daughter to invite you and unfortunate that you couldn’t attend, it should not have been expected

Yes people are twats but it’s the people who moan/expect to be invited that are, not the B&G

Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families,

Even if the grooms themselves are millionaires it doesn't mean that they have to invite & pay for their bride's mum's friend!

In my circles a £75 wedding gift would be considered extremely poor. Perhaps she thinks you are tight.

Haha, good one. Nobody is this oblivious in real life.

I think your friend is a bit rude to talk about the wedding but offer you no explanation of the lack of invite, even if it is something made up to spare your feelings.

She could have just said something along the lines of the guest list is limited and really its up to them who they invite. Even if this isn't actually true it allows you both to move forwards from the situation.

The fact that she isn't even willing to offer an explanation to clear the air and offer a face saving fiction means there is always going to be an elephant in the room between you and her moving forwards. You are going to look at her in a different way from now on.

If it were me I would be the bigger person and send the card and gift. But I wouldn't mention the wedding further and I think I would review my relationship with her, not for the lack of invite so much as the clumsy way she is handling it with complete disregard for your feelings.

What?!

In my circles a £75 wedding gift would be considered extremely poor. Perhaps she thinks you are tight.

Not in mine. You must associate with some very wealthy people @Newphony.
After all, the bride wasn't even family, just the daughter of her friend.

I think this might be a generational thing? I've been to a lot of my friends' weddings over the past ten years and it's definitely not the norm to invite any of your parents' friends.

Here we go.
Only on mn do i see this kind of thing.

Frankly that sounds a bit off if you're paying for your DD's wedding, unless the groom's side are paying even more for the shedloads that are coming on their side.
How did that come about?

Hahahahaha

Tactless of your friend and I can see why you're hurt. I totally accept it's down to the B&G but can't imagine a good friend of mine leaving me wondering the reason why I wasn't invited. If my daughter restricted numbers or simply didn't want a friend of mine to come I'd make sure I had a convo with friend - totally uncaring not to.

Next time your friend is talking about the wedding say How you are sure they will all have a wonderful day and you can't wait to see the photos as you are sure *** will make a beautiful bride and that you would love to have been there to see here married. Maybe then your friend will get the hint that you are hurt

I thought wedding invitations were only sent out about 8 - 10 weeks before the event. That is why the Save the Date notices are sent out. If the wedding is not until the summer I very much doubt invitations have gone out yet. Just ask your friend. You say have been friends for years. Maybe there was a Save the Date sent to you but it went astray in the post.

It's almost certainly not personal.
My mum's closest friend was her best friend all her life - lived next door when they were 5. I didn't invite her to my wedding not because I dislike her or anything but because she is simply my mum's friend. She's really nothing to me (I know how that sounds), I don't dislike her but my wedding was about my friends and my family, not friends of family members that I had no genuine independent relationship with iyswim. It's probably nothing more than that and not a rejection of you as a person.

The wedding non invite is out of your hands. I’d accept it for what it is. You can’t make people want to do something they don’t want to do.

The only part of this is do something about is your bragging friend. She knows you’re not invited but gleefully tells you about others who are invited, and she’s the type to get defensive. She sounds not nice. I think, in your position, I’d review your friendship and maybe cool it off.

Exactly!

I really don’t understand why you think you are owed an invitation to this wedding.

Ummm that's what I said.

Read my post again, I said "About a dozen aunts and cousins (of my friend's niece and her DH ) haven't spoken to them since, and didn't send them a Christmas card. BRUTAL. 😆 Some people are just twats. (Not you OP!)"

My circles - my arse!

Sorry but you lost me at 'I am an NHS doctor by day'! What on earth does that have to do with any of this?

I wondered that too!