No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

Your friend is tactless to talk about other friends who are going to the wedding. She shouldn't do that

It's clear that you're not invited. You're allowed to be upset, but have to respect the bride and groom's choice

I'd send a card and perhaps small gift if you wish

I wonder why you included so much info in your post. A lot of it is not relevant, and makes you / the family identifiable. Were you hoping this story would be picked up by media?

I would ask straight out to clear up any confusion.Can you not just ring your friend and say something like it just occurred to me I may not be invited and that is fine but could you confirm if I am or not? I need to know either way as I need to book time off work if I am. This will avoid any confusion and you and your friend will feel better if you can clear the air.It is of course up to you if you send a gift or not but you can be gracious and wish them all the best for the wedding day,

Maybe the bride doesn't like you or want you at the wedding? We didn't invite any of our parents friend's to the wedding nor did we copy my brother's guest list

Yanbu to feel disappointed. How do you know the invites have been sent? It's still fairly early for a summer wedding i think. How did your friend react when you mentioned wearing your dress? If she knows you're not invited and is banging on about her other friends being invited that is pretty insensitive and unkind.

Agree with PP I'd just have to ask her directly. Seems strange that you aren't.

The wedding is this Summer. Invitations won't have been sent out yet surely. It would be most odd if they had. You don't know you are not invited.

I didn't invite my parent's friends, we had loads of people with relatives and our own friends. It wasn't meant as a slight; weddings have finite numbers.

She'd know if she was invited though surely, because she'd have received an invitation? Asking outright would be embarrassing for both parties.

OP I think you just have to accept that you're not on the guest list for this one. If she's upsetting you by banging on about the wedding, just spend less time with her.

You have two choices.

1. Rise above it and send a card and a gift. I have given gifts to others when they have got married even if I haven't been invited. It's a gift given freely, not a thank you for the invite (or at least it should be).

1. Don't send anything, but this could be seen as sour grapes.

So it's whichever sits best with you

I think you're annoyed because she's rubbing your face in it, telling you about all of her other friends who are going.

I'd leave it for a bit and then I'd confirm further down the line that you're definitely not invited (in a non confrontational way, more like just checking your invite didn't get lost in the post) and then I'd just send a card (if you can be arsed!) but definitely not a gift.

Wedding presents are only required from guests of the wedding. Surely that's obvious.

I would still send a present if you do for birthdays etc

Have you definitely not been invited? There is a chance your invite has been lost, surely?
It seems really odd that she’d be parading the plans around in front of you like that. Has she made no direct or indirect reference about you being at the wedding in passing?

But definitely stop sending the daughters cards, presents etc throughout the year. The daughter has made it clear you're not important to her, so stop putting yourself out for her!

Are either of your daughters going btw?

“So that’s 10 aunties and uncles on your side, and 4 on mine. Plus cousins, and our parents of course that’s 24. All of your friends and mine, that’s about 25 each, and there’s some of my work friends i’d really like to come, and didn’t you say you’d like to invite our old housemates?
god it’s so many people - how are we going to fit them all in! So glad we haven’t got to think about inviting random old friends of our parents as well. That would be a total nightmare!”

I think you were wrong to assume you were going, wrong to say you never got a plus one invite to the last one. You are coming across a bit too involved. But I understand you're hurt if your friend is discussing it. Next time she mentions it just say can't wait to hear all about it and see pics of her dress and see how she responds. If you're not invited she will answer the question. If you are invited she will say what the hell are you talking about you're coming.

Maybe they only invite if both bride and groom have met you?

Do not fall out with your friend over this. She could well be mortified too.

It will be a case of "their wedding, their choices" and no more than that. Try not to take it personally.

Unless your friend is contributing heftily to the wedding, they will have no say over the guest list.

I would send a card for sure and perhaps a bottle of something, but that would be it.

I never even knew this was a thing until I was getting married and my mum kept trying to force people onto our guest list. They are her friends not mine so why would we have paid for them to be there?

Am I now meant to be worried that all her friends are pissed that they didn't get invited

You say you send the girls presents, but how often over the course of a year would you actually see them? Do you socialise as families, or do you just see their parents and hear about them through them?

Could it be because you bailed out of her sisters wedding at last minute? I understand you were poorly, but covid is now seen as the standard get out clause.

I think it’s wrong to be expected to be invited to any wedding. Even if there is no cost implication, lots of venues have tight restrictions on numbers. I also don’t think it’s too early for summer wedding invites to have been sent.

What on earth does you being an NHS doctor have to do with getting an invite?

It may be that they're paying for the wedding themselves and they want to limit the numbers so its a smaller wedding or venue dictates smaller numbers. We had a smallish wedding in comparison to my sister and friends weddings because that's all we wanted. I didn't want to spend my whole day trying to get round everyone making small talk and I didn't want our parents friends taking away from our actual friends.

We gave our parents a number of friends they could invite and that was capped to fit with everyone else we needed to invite who we were close to personally.

Their money etc really doesn't hold baring on any of this.

I do think your friend is being very tactless in how she's talking about it all in front of you though.

I'd either accept that it's a big thing for her right now, she's excited and wants to share with you and it's her daughters choice who they invite not hers and be happy for her and listen to her. Or spend less time with her and distance yourself until the wedding is over and done with. Or you find a way to bring it up sensitively that you haven't received an invite and clear the air.

We invited 20 people who were friends of my in laws and parents. They gave some money towards the wedding so we thought it was fair enough to invite them.