No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

So now you know your place I would be keeping my purse shut going forward.. Empty cards at best.

I think some people think it’s the OP’s friend who is getting married, rather than her friend’s daughter — the OP’s friend doesn’t get to dictate the guest list, and surely it’s possible she doesn’t know who’s been invited, or is keeping out of invitation wrangles (especially as she sounds like a bit of an idiot if she’s boasting about the groom’s guests…?)?

Just because one sister invited the OP doesn’t translate into the other sister also inviting her, either…?

Meaning, Im not anyone ‘special’ like some of the high ranking grooms guests. That’s all. No agenda.

Are you certain invites have been sent to everyone. My sibling got married a bit ago. I know they sent invites out much earlier to people who would have to book flight, have to book holidays long in advance.

However I do think it was rude to assume that you are invited to the wedding just because you were invited to the elder daughter's wedding.

Don't send a card or gift but don't fall out with your friend, as she may have asked for you to be invited but the B&G may have said no.

If you are as close as your OP indicates then I think she is being odd not making it clear. If she was upset you're not invited she would simply need to say 'I'm so disappointed but I didn't have any input into invites'. It could be a number if things:

• It maybe they allocated her a specific number of invites and you didn't make the cut
• maybe she is more important to you than her to you
• maybe the B&G don't want you there

Etc etc

You can either ask her outright or leave it and accept you are not invited. If you aren't invited I would not send a gift just a card.

Personally I would also distance slightly as it's clear the friendship isn't on an equal footing and it sounds as though she's been quite hurtful discussing it so openly knowing you'd expect an invite but aren't invited.

BTW - do you have children? Are they married? Did you/would you invite her to their weddings?

I’d say it’s cuz you cancelled going to the last wedding. Prob thinking if first daughter wasn’t good enough then tough. She’s took it personal can you not see that.

Are you friends with the bride and groom? If the couple - not their parents - are paying, then it’s pretty reasonable they invite their friends and family. You said your daughters were close until secondary school, the other “mum friends” going, did their dcs stay close to the bride? Does the bride have a relationship with them separate from her mothers friendship with you?

the days of the brides parents choosing the guest list have long gone.

How close are you to the actual bride? When was the last time you talked to her? Do you keep in touch with her often?

I was recently very hurt at not getting an invitation to a wedding. We were hugely close at the start of their relationship and I gave them so much support.
It's something I'm struggling to move past tbh.
We'll just have to suck it up OP.

Regardless of how close you are to their mum I don’t think it’s odd at all for someone not to want to invite a bunch of their parents mates.

I’d just send a card. After all you’re not going to be offered the gift list so no need to send anything.

I think you have to say something, the next time your friend is chatting about the wedding. 'I hope everyone has a good time, disappointing to miss out on both the girls weddings' leave it open so she can say something

Your friend possibly doesn't realise your invite is lost in the post. Or she's completely stayed out of the guest list.

Etiquette re card, I'd send a card and maybe a token gift certainly not the same as the other DD who invited you

The reality is that the couple getting married take the decisions about who to invite. As a friend of the brides mother, even though you have watched this bride grow up, you are not priority nowadays. They tend to want young people to have a party with. Some young people have huge numbers of friends and acquaintances who they could potentially invite, it’s not possible to have everyone so some need to be ruled out. It sounds as if you have been ruled out.
Of course you should send a card with good wishes. And a gift if you want to, no obligation. Tell your friend you would love to see the photos afterwards and try to enjoy hearing the news.

It could be the bride and groom have said no parent’s friends as guests and it’s as simple as that.
I wouldn’t mind my friend talking about their DC’s wedding a lot, I’d be excited for my friend but really wouldn’t expect an invite.
Sending a card would be a nice thing to do.
You may have pissed of the bride and groom when you cancelled for the first wedding if the bride was a bit bridezilla or stressed.

I'm sorry you're hurting and you can understand why.

You mention "calibre of the groom's guests". Do you know for sure they are his guests rather than his parents'? If so, that's probably the answer. The bride to be likely sees you as her mum's friend and as you say, "their wedding, their choice".

The issue isn't your lack on invitation, as much as the tricky balance your friends is not managing to navigate between being excited about her daughter's wedding, and hurting your feelings.

Has your friend ever said anything that indicates she knows you aren’t invited?

we invited who we wanted to our wedding, and that wasn't in the main my parents' friends. it was hard enough fitting family in (big family) and friends and we had 90 during the day.

Still glad we paid for it ourselves so our parents didn't get a say on the guest list.

hmmm, I think, after this, you need to reset your expectations. These things happen. No cards or gifts, your relationship is with the mother. Dial it back.

My PIL have a massive circle of friends and kept adding more people to our guest list. My DPs have far fewer friends and my extended family is much smaller. There came a point I had to say that I wasn't comfortable with the ratio of DH:my guests going beyond 60:40. I'm sure there were PIL friends who might have wanted to come but these were not people I knew very well at all, if I had even met them.
A wedding is about two people and numbers are limited.

When you say your friend is talking about her daughter's wedding, do you mean face to face discussions with you, or in a whatsapp group?

Why don't you say something to her like 'It all sounds lovely - and I guess I was a bit sad I wasn't invited but I do understand nowadays these young 'uns only want their own friends, ha ha'

I’d not send a card or gift if I wasn’t invited .

We sorting out photos for our 25th anniversary.
We were quite limited for numbers and sadly there's massive gaps in our friends line up that I feel dreadful about.
The pictures of all the sulky cousins plus nameless partners I'm cross seeing after all these years.
My mum's sister-in-law's mother - what the hell was that invite for, nice woman but totally ridiculous. She came to my wedding, I never even got told about her funeral!
Because my parents were such arses, my in laws then had to even up the list with their neighbourhood friends, one of whom came, ate, then called later to complain about the noise!

It's not you, it's a balancing a hundred petty Squabbles. It's not inviting us because then they'd have to invite all the other cousins/ friends from that group plus their partner's. it's a massive silly diplomatic logistical exercise and I still wish we'd run away.

When your friend mentions the wedding/other friends going etc, just ask if she'd be okay to not mention it in front of you, as while you totally understand it's her daughters choice re; the guest list, you are finding it a little upsetting not being invited. Just keep it short and cheery.
And as others have said, don't send a wedding gift, card yes but present no. And stop with the birthday/Christmas gifts. Again, send a card, but no presents.

I'd be disappointed too OP, but I think fewer and fewer couples are inviting their parents' friends these days. I know you probably see them more as nieces, but it doesn't sound like you actually see much of them.

I would send a gift, rise above - the family clearly means a lot to you.