No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

I'd be disappointed too OP, but I think fewer and fewer couples are inviting their parents' friends these days

This is because more couples are paying for their own weddings where as traditionally the bride’s family paid for the wedding.

We've had exactly this recently. Friends since pre-school. A lifetime of sleepovers and baby sitting and shared holidays. Not invited to the wedding. I was secretly gutted but common sense tells me you can't invite everyone so I kept quiet.

A few weeks before the wedding I took the MOB out to celebrate and after a few drinks she got very tearful and apologetic and explained that although she had lobbied hard for us to be invited, the places for family friends were very limited because a lot of family from overseas who had been invited out of politeness had unexpectedly accepted the invitation.

I was very glad I hadn't mentioned my disappointment. Her heartfelt apology and obvious distress at the decision meant nearly as much as an invitation. My son and his GF did go to the wedding and I enjoyed seeing all the photos and videos very much without the hassle and expense of actually attending.

You’re her parent’s friend, I wouldn’t expect an invite. I don’t know many people who invite their parent’s friends to weddings?

We didn’t invite any of our parents friends to our wedding. We wanted family and our own friends there. I know it didn’t go down well with some of them and DM referred to it many times over the years

Do you see/speak to the daughter often personally?

I didn't invite my parents friends. Only a couple that I personally had a relationship with.

Are you of an older generation? It's not generally the norm for parents of the bride and groom to be in charge of the guest list anymore. The guest list will be written by the couple getting married.

It never occurred to me to invite any of my parents friends to my wedding, although I agree that your friend shouldn't keep talking about other friends who have been invited.

@AngelinaSpin Please don't "confront" your friend. You could just tactfully ask her not to talk about the wedding so much as you haven't been invited.

It will be absolutely fine to just send a card.

I do know that!

I might send a card but definitely not a present. It would look a bit sad, I think. And it's probably time to stop sending cards and gifts to these young women at other times too, unless they're reciprocated. Times have obviously moved on. I think your friend should absolutely have spoken to you about this, however. She's being tactless and hurtful. If you really can't mention it to her then I'd be cheery but brusque when the subject of the wedding came up if it were me, and downright frosty if she kept it up.

One couple of good friends were invited to all our three children’s wedding. So far two of theirs have been married and we weren’t invited to either. It’s just the way it is. However I didn’t send a card or a gift. Why would I?

@AngelinaSpin

' (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings). '

and that's exactly why you give the 2nd bride exactly what you gave the 1st bride - you treat them both equally.

Then it really is time to stop sending adult girls birthday cards/presents/ little gifts, unless it is a special birthday i.e. 30th - and your friend gives your daughters birthday cards/gifts etc.

Don't be upset

Don't fall out with people

You haven't made the guest list for whatever reasons

If you haven't been invited to the wedding or reception there is absolutely no need to send a card or gift , in fact it might be seen as a bit weird to do so.

You've saved time and money over this, you should give yourself a bit of a treat and carry on the friendship as normal ( if you want to)

Next time your friend starts talking to you about the Wedding of the Century and all the other guests who are coming, I think you need to bite the bullet and come right out with it.
Tell her that as much as you are enjoying hearing about it all, it is such a pity you won't be there on the day. Leave a short pause. See what she says to that.

She might be blithely unaware that you haven't been invited.

If she knows very well that you haven't been invited, that leaves me to think that she's rubbing your nose in it. That is a rather bitchy thing for a so-called friend to do, isn't it?

Yanbu

Different circles probably have different habits, but we had presents when we married and had babies from many friends of our parents including some we didn't know at all. I think it's viewed as a present to the friends rather than the friends' children if that makes any sense, as a child's wedding and birth of a grandchild are some of the big moments in life. Even more so with close family friends like this.

OP, I've just noticed that you say you visit your friend once a week. Does she visit you too? Or is this friendship somewhat one-sided?

As someone who is currently planning a wedding, this is spot on. Trying to cut down a list is an impossible task, and in some instances we've had to miss out inviting people we would like to be there, or even whole "categories" of people in order to be fair - because once some work colleagues get invited, it's harder to not invite others.

In our case, we're paying for our wedding ourselves so one of the categories we've decided to miss out is parents' friends. It's not to say we don't appreciate the role they've played in our parents and our lives over the years, but we simply can't have everybody, and realistically would prefer to have close friends who we see all the time than people we see once every couple of years at most.

OP, obviously your situation might be different and you might see the couple a lot, in which case I understand your disappointment. But I'd try to believe it wasn't done out of malice, just out of need to reduce the list somewhere.

We paid for our own wedding (about 20 years ago) and chose our own guest list.

Some of our parents' friends were invited and some weren't; we invited those we felt closest to. You have to draw a line somewhere.

For whatever reason (venue size, cost, priorities) you haven't been invited to this one, but I wouldn't be annoyed with your friend about it; she probably had little or no say in the guest list.

In this situation I would send a card out of goodwill, but no gift - gifts are not usual if you're not invited to the wedding.

I wouldn't mention it but would probably say something the next time your friend talks about it like 'I hope you all have a wonderful time'.

I wouldn't sent a gift but I'd drop a card round.

I think it sounds as though your friend might well be unaware that you have not been invited. You might want to just quietly mention it when she next kicks off about the wedding otherwise she might get a shock on the day when you don't turn up.

Send a card if you like but definitely no gift.
Also, OP I note you say your friend has not only been telling you all about the wedding venue, dress etc but also that 'other' friends of hers have been invited to the wedding.
Now that is really not nice at all.
And posters blithely saying they would never invite their parents' friends to their wedding -- not even when you've known them for almost your whole life? (30 years plus, according to the OP. And she has always been close to the girls in question. )
Moreover OP, a doctor has plenty of social standing in this country, certainly enough to rub shoulders with millionaires who are two a penny these days, after all. Now if they were billionaires....

🤣😂🙄

How big is their wedding?

I think your friend is actually being very rude in talking about the other guests, to someone who hadn't been invited!

I think I'd be taking this opportunity to step back and have a think about how reciprocal this friendship actually is. Does she buy birthday/Christmas gifts for you and your children? Does she call you/visit? Been there for you in times of hardship? Because sometimes one person does all the giving and another all the taking and it goes unnoticed, until one day something happens to make the disparity clear and the penny drops.

I do think your friend has poor manners and this alone would make me withdraw a bit. Certainly I think it's time to stop buying for her adult DDs.

Just bloody ask your friend if you're invited or not. And do not send a gift if you're not invited. Don't be a mug!

I'd wait til she mentions it again and then say that sounds absolutely lovely, I'd have loved to have seen it, and see what she says