No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

I don’t want this to sound harsh but it is your friends daughters wedding not your friends so it’s not unreasonable you don’t get an invite. If anything it’s pretty unreasonable to start discussing your wedding outfit without getting an invite first. Do you have a close relationship with the daughter other than you sending birthday gifts? My parents have some lovely friends but it didn’t occur to me once to start inviting them, I saved the places for mine and grooms family and friends.

I had no clue who about 1/3 of the people at my wedding were, and I'd met pretty much all of DW's family many times before. A bunch of PIL's friends who were invited "because it's traditional" and they were paying (about 1/4 of the cost). I hated it. I'd much rather it was concentrated on OUR friends and family.

Is she usually so tactless op?

You may be close to your friend, but it doesn't mean the bride is close to you. It's a bit strange of you to just assume you are invited, even if the other daughter invited you. You're just not that important to the bride and that's not your friend's fault. You don't know if the other daughter was a bit offended you cancelled 4 days before her wedding either.

My parents' friends came to my wedding but...my parents paid for the whole thing so I let them make all those decisions.

You hit the nail on the head with this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ You are friends with the bride’s mum, not the bride, so why should you be invited? Buy a card or don’t, up to you. Definitely don’t get a gift, unless you’re feeling very generous.

If you're not invited, send a card but no gift/money.

I'm laughing at 'direct confrontation' here! 😂😂

AKA asking your mate a question 🙄

Mind you, you were rude to assume and start banging on about getting an extra wear out of your dress.

You seem to be taking this quite personally, if you’re not invited it’s probably just because numbers are really tight. Most people I know wouldn’t necessarily invite close family friends as a priority, it’s usually blood relatives then close friends of the bride and groom themselves.

Plus just because the bride or groom’s family are wealthy, it doesn’t mean that they have huge sums to spend on the wedding. There are loads of reasons why it could still be on a tight budget.

By all means ask nicely in case there has been confusion but if you’re not invited don’t worry. Personally I wouldn’t send a card or gift for the wedding if not invited, I’d maybe give a housewarming gift or something another time.

How close are you to the bride and groom (now and not 30 years ago).

We had a load of pressure to invite my MIL's friends who we have no relationship with ourselves.

I've had similar OP - friend of mine got engaged, went to the engagement party, went for lunch with them and their fiancé, heard talk all about the venue etc.... then no invite. Weird!

That's not the same though. This is the OP's friend's child getting married, not a friend in themselves.

But surely if your friend (MOB) knows you're not invited, even though you've said you're excited and looking forward to wearing the dress.....the MOB wouldn't keep talking about the wedding to you???

I dont understand....that's simply unkind

Maybe the MOB thinks you have received an invite?

I’ve heard all about friend’s DC’s weddings and been genuinely interested in all the planning etc, I didn’t think my friends were being tactless. I put it in the same category as when a friend is having a grandchild and is excited to talk about it.

@NerrSnerr I didn't say it was the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was empathising

Unless the OP has form for thinking she's entitled?

If so, she might've just rolled her eyes internally.

I think the fact you didn’t go to the sisters wedding is probably playing a part.

But I’d try n put it behind me. It’s less common to invite parents friends.

I also wonder if it’s because you cancelled on the other daughter’s wedding with not much notice. I know you were ill but is there a chance the family thought you were making an excuse?

No way would I be giving a gift if not invited, why should you.

Unless the OP has form for thinking she's entitled?

Even if that were the case, it's still effing mean to keep banging on about how great the wedding is going to be when she's not invited.

We are at the age when the children of our friends are getting married. We have been invited to a couple of their weddings but not the rest. In one case the daughter of a friend invited us but not the brother. We do not care in the slightest. Their wedding so their choice. When our children got married they did ask us if we wanted to invite any friends and we discussed it but this was only after everyone else on the guest list, friends and family, were sorted out. We paid for both our children’s wedding and this came with no strings attached.
It may be that there are some guests who cannot attend the wedding and there may be a second round of invites, but even so you should not get upset about it. I don’t know why you mentioned the value of the gift. If you do not get an invite I would send a card but maybe not a present.
I think your friend is a little thoughtless talking about it in front of you.

Just give short answers to your friend

"The caterers have been confirmed and we're going with the beef"
"That's lovely"

"DDs going for her final dress fitting tomorrow, she's going to look beautiful"
"That's nice"

"We're staying at the big hotel for DDs wedding"
"Ah ok!"

Your friend will either get the hint and shut up about it or will ask you a question about what you're doing for outfits/hotels and you can say you weren't invited so don't need an outfit or hotel.

To me it seems strange that you were invited to one wedding but not the other. Maybe they were quietly annoyed that you were a no show at the first (which of course could not be helped)

If your only contact with the daughters now is sending cards and birthday gifts, I think it's fair enough you haven't made the guestlist. You choose to send the gifts. She shouldn't feel that your choice to send gifts, when you don't have any other contact, creates an obligation for her to involve you in her important life events. I wouldn't have invited anyone to my wedding who I wasn't in contact with.

Your friend is being a bit of a knob though. It's really insensitive and crass to keep mentioning the wedding when you're not invited. She's not being much of a friend.

I'd stop the gifts going forward. Maybe just cards if you really feel like you need to do something.

Do yourself a favour and just clear it up. A quick text and you can move on.

"Hi 'Friend'. I've been trying to tactfully understand whether I'm invited to 'Bride Name' wedding. I'm assuming not as no invite, but because we discussed it, I just want to double check? This doesn't have to be an issue - I understand there are limits on numbers, but I'd hate for there to be another reason that I might have missed? Either way - you know I send all my love and will drop 'Bride's Name' a card. Fancy lunch next week? X"

Maybe next time your friend is gleefully talking about the wedding, you could say “You know I’m not invited, right?” Almost as if you think she’s presumed you are IYSWIM
Gives her the opportunity to maybe give you a reason if there is one, but also you can put in a little dig like “It’s just the way you’re talking about it I thought you must think I was going.” Just a suggestion.0