No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

But she was invited to this woman's OTHER daughter's wedding 18 months ago
So? The two daughters are separate people, just because one invited OP, doesn't mean the other therefore automatically has to!
Different wedding, different people.

If you truly are as close to the family and friend as you say you are why would you not just ask. I hate all the fakeness and awkwardness. If it was my friend, next time she brings up the wedding id tell her i felt a bit hurt/surprised not to be invited and let them explain why. You are already feeling hurt about it all so you'll not feel worse. I also would not send a gift or card if I wasn't invited to someone's wedding

@SweetBirdsong Do you have siblings? Did they invite exactly the same people to their wedding as you did?

It is completely irrelevant.

I love all my friend's children and celebrate their successes. I don't think this means I get an automatic wedding invitation. I went to their parents weddings- who are my close friends.

I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the messages on this but are you sure there hasn’t been a mix up and your invitation is lost?

I just can’t believe that somebody that sounds like a close friend would exclude you and then talk about it all the time! Personally, I would need to ask and if you don’t feel comfortable then I would question if they were really a friend.

Our parents paid for our wedding 30 years ago and some of their friends were invited. I remember my DM in tears because I had excluded one couple of her friends on the basis that I never saw them; they ended up being invited. The DW died a couple of years ago and I had seen her once in the intervening years, at the funeral of one of the ones I was happy to invite, so I feel that my stance was valid.
I wouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding of one of my DC's friends, but if it was a close friend who I had seen growing up, I would give present and card.

Was the oldest daughter your daughters best friend? As that might be why you were invited to that one. The other daughter I assume none of your child were close to. I can see why she invited you but perhaps the other daughter feels like she’s not got that relationship with you. I would send a card personally but not a gift given you are not invited. I can understand feeling hurt but I guess your mums friend isn’t a priority for your wedding and assume the groom doesn’t know you? Not all about numbers. I was invited to a friends eldest daughters wedding, but she called it off. When she married 5yrs later she didn’t invite me, but I had never met the groom whereas as the first intended groom had been to stay at my house. I wouldn’t expect to be invited as mums old friend

SweetBirdSOng I was quoting your post to respond to your point - that I
disagree with asking about the invite. I then went on to quote the OP's words. My reply was at the OP, but simply giving a different opinion and citing your post for that purpose.

Of course it's upsetting, if you have known this family for so many years and have sent birthday and Christmas gifts. I do think you should ask your friend, just to take it off the table. If the answer is no - smile graciously and say you will look forward to the photographs.

To the daughter, send a card but don't send a gift, wedding gifts are from people who are invited or are unable to attend. I think it's also time to stop the birthday and Christmas gifts as she obviously doesn't see you in the same way you have her.

Good luck OP

So, this woman is decent and nice enough to have kept your friendship for at least a decade, for you to meet up with weekly and for you to give her DDs gifts, yet you think she would gleefully rub your nose in an event she knows you think your were to be invited to, but weren't? The second really doesn't match the first, so there's something going on here.
Firstly check for misunderstandings by asking if you are invited. If you're not and there's no explanation (and imo there is no excuse for at least an evening invitation, unless it's a very small restricted numbers event) then you may have to reflect on whether she is as deserving of your friendship as you thought.
It might be her DDs wedding, but its unusual for a bride's mother to be refused without good reason if she wanted to include someone. And even if this were the case, no excuse for not telling you when you spoke about your dress, and going on about it in front of you.

As awful as this sounds, you are the friend of the bride's mother. You aren't the bride's friend. You don't automatically get invited.

I am sorry that sounds harsh. But it is the facts. It doesn't matter how long you have known the bride.

I get married in August, my parents are exceptionally close with the parents of someone i went to primary school with. I couldn't stand their kid at school, or as an adult and I am not their biggest fan either. I have known them almost 35 years but I have absolutely no intention of inviting them to the wedding.

Long gone are the days of parents paying and filling the guest list with their friends.

The bare facts are that Weddings cost a bloody fortune and given DP and I are paying for it with zero contribution from anyone else I will not be filling spaces with people just because they happen to have known me since I was 8!

You aren't being unreasonable to be disappointed, but it was incredibly presumptuous of you to expect an invitation.

I am afraid this is one of those situations where you will just need to suck it up.

You were classmates with the bride’s mum - it’s such a distant connection to the bride even if you’re still close to her mum now. I’m in my 20s, my mum’s friends wouldn’t be right at the top of my wedding guest list no matter how lovely they are. I wouldn’t appreciate my mum trying to add to the guest list by inviting her friends. I appreciate that might hurt your feelings, but ultimately you’re not a priority for the bride/groom to spend their day with. There’s loads of people my mum has probably introduced me to over the years, who feel they’ve known me my entire life. But from my perspective, we’re not close or have a friendship independently of my mum

I think I'd ask. It can happen that invitations get lost in the post. I'd phrase it very carefully, but if she's as old a friend as that you should, surely, be able to approach it via 'I feel slightly awkward asking this question but can I check if I am x's wedding guest list? I kind of assumed I would be, but realise now that I shouldn't assume'... or something similar?

But it’s not the close friend getting married? It’s not the mother of the bride’s choice who gets “excluded” or not, it’s the bride/groom’s

OP - I'm wondering does your friend send gifts and cards to your daughters as well and does she visit you as well?
The way you've described it sounds a little one sided to me

Nobody knows the answer to your questions OP, except the family.

Personally I wouldn’t expect to be invited to the wedding of anyone except particularly close friends, certainly not the children of friends.

I wouldn’t ask, it sounds a bit needy tbh. I would wait until nearer the time before deciding whether to send a gift or not.

I get you are hurt but is this really that big a deal?

YABU to expect an invite to your friend’s daughter’s wedding. It’s not your friend’s wedding, it’s her daughter’s. They can invite who they want and I think the days of being obligated to invite parent’s friends are long gone.

however - your friend is also being unreasonable if she is talking about her other friends being invited with you. Does she know you haven’t been invited? Could it have been an error (but probably not)? Are her friends that are invited closer to the bride? Are you in a social group with the other friends who were invited or know the mother of bride separately? Could it be that the bride was over on numbers and she couldn’t leave one person out of that social group and it was easier to not invite you? Maybe next time she talks about her friends that are invited you just need to ask why you weren’t if you can’t think of any reason why?
it is crap to be left out though

Do not send a gift . Just ignore like you are being ignored .

sorry but no. firstly your friend is every excited that her daughter is getting married and if you are as close as you say that is allowed. if you had an event coming up am sure you would discuss the ins and outs of things that's what friends do.
secondly the other wedding is completely irrelevant you know nothing about budget venue restrictions so it's was just pot luck and nice that you were invited. you did the right thing sending a gift and card
with regards to this wedding invitations have not been sent out so you actually don't know yet. also this is a different wedding as nothing to do with your friend ( unless she is paying for it all) you know nothing about it at all. if you aren't invited it could be down to a number of reasons. venue restrictions family numbers they want a small wedding they want all their friends. regardless is has sweet f all to do with you. they are getting married and they can choose what they do
when we got married we were last of both families to get married but ours was alot lot smaller. plus we had a lot of friends and business acquaintances that we wanted to come. that was our choice..yes there was family friends on both sides not invited but they were very nice to come up to us aftrr to congratulate us and some very generously gave us gifts. but there was some of them neither me or my husband ever met yet together nearly 20 years. but am sorry don't feel any quilt of not inviting them wedding was expensive enough as it is
my mother actually was similar to you kicked up a stink she wasn't invited to a wedding of two friends children ( one actually she was invited ti but it was a christening disguised as a wedding- only found out at the church) she was disgusted she wasn't told. me and my sister tried to tell her she was being childish and cop on. but no she lost two friends she had for nearly 30 years all because she threw her rattles out of the pram. If friendship means alot to you be happy for your friend give a present and rise above it

Thinking about it, if your parents have friends who've been there for a large part of your life then in all likelihood they'll still be around long after some of your friends have disappeared from your life. Looking back at my wedding some of my friends I rarely if ever see due to divorce/job changes/house moves. My parents friends who were at the wedding I still see and they know much more about my life.

Except that the proper thing to do is make an inclusive guest list, and THEN select a venue that will accommodate all of the guests. Not the other way around. The OP said money is not an issue.

OP, I wouldn't bring it up at all, and I would not send a gift or card. You are being treated like a non-entity, so why bother? Even if your friend had apologetically said "they are only inviting their generation" or something, I would say that you could rise above it. But if others of the mother of the bride's friends are included, why wouldn't you be? Clearly it's a deliberate choice, so you make a deliberate choice too: ignore the wedding. Change the subject when she brings it up and don't trouble yourself shopping for a gift or card.

It's extremely crass to discuss a social event in the presence of people who aren't invited. They sound a bit nasty all round. Sorry you are experiencing this.

I don't think it's usual to invite friends of your parents to your wedding. Try not to feel offended. Maybe the older sister felt she couldn't say no to her parents as she was the first/ maybe as she was the first your friends got over enthusiastic and invited everyone. Just send a card and small gift and try not to think on it.

Just send a nice card.

YANBU to be disappointed.
I had similar. Invited to the evening “do”. When we got there we were the only couple that had been invited to the evening.
The next wedding of another child was miles away and on a working day, again an evening invitation. We were going to go until I pointed out the actual day to my husband .

I honestly never thought to invite my parents friends to my wedding. I also didn't think I should invite more people just because I could afford to. I think you're being unreasonable to expect to be invited, whether you send a gift or not is up to you!