No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

There are some truly harsh people on here! I dread to think how your wedding plans and weddings ran! I think spending 30/40 years as best friends does have some bearing on things. And especially if their children have thought of you as an "auntie" or "uncle" from the start. I understand weddings aren't cheap, there are limits on numbers etc. But a little consideration would have been nice in these circumstances. And for the people saying they'd be peeved because when you were due to attend the other daughters wedding, you had to cancel last minute, due to COVID... Please give your heads a shake, seriously 🙄

Tbh I having 2 daughters myself I would have took it very personal and an insult that you cancelled so close to the wedding.

Gosh, how damn selfish of the OP to go and get covid just before the wedding @paulaparticles

I wonder how many people have been invited, if it is a much smaller one than the other daughter I could understand. However, I'd be upset in your shoes too.

At least send a card.

When I was getting married, I found out through the grapevine that a close long-term friend’s mother was furious to have not been invited to my wedding. Thing was, she HAD been invited, but the invitation had mistakenly gone to the wrong address.

She never said a word to me, and it bothered me that 1) she thought I would deliberately exclude her, and 2) that she didn’t have the decency to ask about it but instead chose to air her grievance to anyone who would listen. I sent her a new invite, but she didn’t come and I have never seen her since. Perhaps that’s just as well.

I thought the same 😀
Poor OP got COVID - would it have been better to drag yourself out of bed and go along and perhaps infect vulnerable people or the bride and groom and perhaps ruin their honeymoon.

I considered it briefly but since I hadn’t seen them or talked to all but one in over four years, it didn’t make sense to. I have a massive family (10+ aunts and uncles , cousins and their children) DH and I capped it at if we hadn’t seen or talked to you more than once in the last 12 months, you weren’t invited to keep the wedding affordable for us because it is just one day of our marriage and we didn’t want to go into massive debt over it to please people and preferred to put money into buying a home (We did 18 months later). I wasn’t invited to their children’s weddings or theirs (first and second weddings) and hadn’t expected to be. I have never met their spouses and still haven’t over a decade later.

Planning and executing a wedding is hard enough as it is. I wished we had eloped instead tbh because to me it wasn’t really worth the angst, the stress, and the expense.

I don't think anyone would expect a guest to attend a wedding with Covid however, an invitation is money and a place that someone else could have taken. If numbers were tight 4 days before the wedding would be pretty upsetting if you were a close friend. Personally, I think you know her well enough to get straight to the point and just ask her why.

Only a fool fails to anticipate a few no-shows during a deadly global pandemic.

@Switchandflake I wouldn't dream
of asking the host why I wasn't invited to something.
I might discuss it though with others

Why do friends of the bride or groom’s PARENTS expect to be invited to weddings? Is it a generational thing? A load of my in-laws’ church friends turned up to my BIL wedding. MIL had told them to come along as it was local - BIL had to fork out an extra £600 for the ‘luxury’ of their presence. He had never even met the majority of them so introductions had to be made to them on the night 🙄

I thought the same thing. Covid is the gift that keeps giving.

You have been ghosted and it’s hurtful, I wouldn’t send a card or present .

I'm not sure what bit of OP's post brought you to this conclusion. They are obviously still in contact with each other. Just because her friend's daughter hasn't invited OP to her wedding (she doesn't have to) doesn't mean they can't remain friends.

That's not the "etiquette" though which suggests 6-8 weeks before the wedding.

But she isn’t and the daughter has 0 obligation to invite her. Note she also didn’t go to the aforementioned other wedding. The invite to that was a nice touch, but to expect it and be this worked up about someone you’re not directly friends with is lunacy. Properly weird behaviour.

You could enquire as to if they have a gift registry, then it opens the conversation of “yes, they do it was sent with invitations have you not had one” ect.
I would at a minimum either way send a card, gift at your discretion

In your position I’d say nothing and send nothing. If it ever came up that you didn’t send a card/gift I’d say that those things are for invited guests only to give.

Ah this is upsetting for you because you care. I wouldn’t expect to be invited to close friend’s children’s weddings. They need to focus on friends and relatives. One did invite me to the evening do. I had known her daughter all her life and she is friends with my son but I didn’t expect the invitation.
Don’t feel hurt. It’s not personal against you.

I'm getting married next year and my mum has two friends coming to the reception. Shes pushed for more but i don't have the numbers to suit her 🤷‍♀️

It is ok just to ask, honestly - just remind yourself that you will be asking from a place of interest and friendship.
Otherwise the negative thoughts will take over and perhaps cause more drama than the reality. wedding politics get wild- we all know this, ask, then you know.

mumsnet speculation won’t help.

You may still get an invite. If u don’t, buy the nicest card you can find and wish them all the best. If u don’t want to confront your friend then there you can do no more.

I would’t send a gift if you’re not invited

Just ask her?

How has she been ghosted? She's not entitled to an invite just because she's a good friend of the brides' mother

Having planned my wedding recently and had my MIL asking if she could invite her best friend, we said no. It's not discounting the importance of the friendship, or trying to be rude, it's just there's other family and friends who get priority. Don't take it personally but send a card and a small gift if you feel you'd like to.