No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

Doesn't seem odd to me, I got an invite in Dec for a June wedding, and one earlier than that for July.

THIS.
That lost place would have had to have been paid for. OK, They are multi millionaires, but financially well~off people can be the tightest arses out there.

In my culture, lots of uninvited people send gifts. I received wedding gifts from all sorts of random people, and I always send wedding gifts to people I know getting married even when I'm not invited.

I totally agree. As a GP the OP would have known more than most of us that mixing in a social setting after testing positive for covid would be a no-no.

It’s a catch 22 situation. it would be the same if a friend bailed out with little notice for any other expensive outing such as a holiday, or another special occasion like a graduation. It will be annoying for the host regardless of the reason due to the sentimental value and the financial value. No one is saying she should have attended, but it’s not like that day will come around again so she’s missed a pivotal moment. OP has a valid reason not to go, but it will still get backs up

We received lots of wedding presents from neighbours of our parents, people from our church and friends/colleagues of our parents, none of whom were invited to the wedding. I would always send a gift to someone I knew who is getting married, even if I wasn't invited.

You would be insulted if someone canceled because a) they are very ill and b) they don't want to spread a deadly virus at your child's wedding?

That leaves me just about speechless.

Then they are just plain bone ignorant.

The OP is a GP as well as someone the MOB sees weekly. If they think she was faking it to get out of a wedding she had splurged on a new dress for, etc., they are too stupid and self-centered for further consideration.

So tired of brides and grooms whining ENDLESSLY about what their guests are costing them "per head." Nothing is stopping them from celebrating their wedding with an inexpensive tea and cake reception if they are so fucking bothered about it.

Yeah it did hurt a little, but I was still absolutely chuffed for my bestie... And even more chuffed since she sent me a scan picture of her first grandchild to be!!! It's funny because I nearly said to her, that'll be the next news and it was! I wish them luck! (I sent neither a card or a present... That was my hmmpppfff moment!) 😁😁😁

You’re not invited so you’re not as close as you think you are. Wedding gifts are from those attending, so no gift would I be sending. And id stop with the birthday and Christmas gifts too.

You haven't been invited - get over it. You are only the brides mums friend and it is likely the venue they have has number restrictions.

The bigger issue is between you and your friend and the elephant in the room.

You are hurt (unreasonably) and embarrassed because you were talking all about your dress etc assuming you were going to be invited.

She its embarrassed too, and has probably asked her dd if they can squeeze you in and was told no. The awkwardness will be ruining what should be a special time for your friend, seeing her dd get married.

You are both at a stalemate wishing the other would acknowledge that great big elephant.

Be the bigger person, make some comments to your friend to make it clear you know, have no hard feelings and wish her and her dd the best. Buy a token, thoughtful gift.

You visit your friend every week so the only way to broach this is to be up front.

I understand and accept that 'Nancy' hasn't invited me to the wedding but I must say that I am a bit upset. Do you think she'd mind if I gave her a gift all the same?

You will have your answer about whether to give a gift and you will have made it known that you are upset. Can't do anything else. Enjoy looking at the photos later on.

Very close close friends of ours - we were invited to the wedding of one daughter, but not the other. Its all about budgets. If it's really upset you, just get some distance from your friend until you're in a better position to cope. But don't take it personally and don't lose a good friend over it.

So very true and resonates. I am so glad I invited my parent's friend's to my wedding even though at the time I wasn't sure I wanted to. I still see/hear of them more often now then my own friends who I was keen to invite at the time. From the few friends who have struck around, I would want the closer ones to come to my child's wedding to share that experience.

I'm intrigued about what the high ranking jobs are where they'd look down on a Doctor.

It would be useful to have a doctor at the wedding!
Also nobody should be looking down on a doctor! Quite the opposite. You’re more than worthy no matter their calibre or money or celebrity status and you’d be more than welcome in most places. You’re overthinking this OP
It is probably a numbers thing and I think you should ask your friend directly, non confrontationally but say you understand you haven’t been invited - perhaps if someone drops out you could go
something like that

Would you have preferred that she came and gave everyone else Covid?

I could understand someone suspecting (wrongly in this case) that it was an invented excuse; and I did indeed wonder if this was the case here, But to both believe it AND to take offence nevertheless, would be incredibly unreasonable and mean.

But surely being invited to someone's wedding isn't the be-all and end-all of life, and not being invited doesn't mean that you're considered as worthless.

If the friend's grown-up children didn't bother to keep in touch at all; if they were asked for help and refused; if they never reciprocated or at least acknowledged gifts- then, yes, I'd say it was one-sided, and I would give up the birthday and Christmas presents. I still wouldn't blame the friend, however- she can't force her children, once grown up, to obey her in such matters.

But a wedding is or should be a celebration of a marriage: neither a way of focusing attention on 'MEEEE ON MY BIG DAY' and taking offence at anyone who doesn't show enough admiration, nor a demonstration of who is and isn't considered important enough to be a guest, and, if so, at what time and on what table, etc. I am rather shocked at the number of threads about people on either side (bride or potential guests) taking offence at real or imagined slights. No wonder some people choose to elope or not get married at all, and some run a mile rather than attend a wedding. Often it's not dislike of weddings as such, but not wishing to cope with the emotional minefield of supposed slights and counter-slights.

That being said, it is impolite and inconsiderate of the friend to keep chattering to the OP about the wedding if she knows that the OP has not been invited,

LaurieStrode · Yesterday 22:53

I'm childfree and while of course my estate might be consumed with care expenses if I live to old age, if I die anytime soon there will be considerable left over. I had the five children of my cousins (I have no nieces or nephews) who are in their 30s now listed as beneficiaries. The amounts for each would have been life-changing.

Meh. They can't be bothered to talk with me at Christmas gatherings and none invited me to their weddings (of the three married so far.) Nor did I receive thank-you notes for the monetary gifts I sent for weddings, uni degrees, the home purchases.

I changed my will; most of it is going to Sheldrick Wildlife Trust to save the elephants with a few bequests to old friends. Feels much better now that's done. No longer bothering to send them cards or gifts, either.

Good for you! I couldn't agree more. And I love the work done at Sheldrick WT, how they care for those frightened bewildered babies whose mothers have been poached usually right in front of them.

I think OP was comparing herself to the high status millionaire types she thinks will be there .

OP is a family friend, known the bride and family for decades, not just mums pal

Brilliant post and so true !
We invited about 5 of my Mothers close friends ( Father had died).We had a fabulous day and am so glad Mums close friends were there to enjoy and reminisce for many years to come .
When my Lovely Mum died ,her friends were who I relied on the most for questions,support and memories.
Fair to say that many / not all ,of ‘our’ friends have disappeared 30years later !

You’re not unreasonable for feeling disappointed but I wanted to reassure you that it’s probably not a personal slight or because they don’t care about you.

Venues often have a hard cap on how many guests can be invited. We had a fairly expensive wedding (I know it’s a Mumsnet sin and means we’ll almost certainly get divorced 😂) and I would have happily paid extra for additional meals/drinks packages for our parents’ friends. However, we had to have less than 100 people and so we were limited on who we could invite (we were limited on location due to my grandfather’s Heath and there weren’t really any other venues that met our requirements and had a larger capacity).
We got married in our 30s so most of our friends had partners and kids that we needed to invite. We also have a lot of cousins (also with partners and kids). We’re both quite sociable people and have lived abroad/done multiple degrees/have varied careers/play several sports/volunteer etc so there were just a lot of people that we wanted to invite and not enough space for everyone! Sadly this meant that we could only invite our godparents and not all our parents’ friends (especially because if you start inviting some then you have to invite everyone in the friendship group, plus their partners etc).
It think the expectation that parents’ friends will be invited has changed slightly now that the couple often pays for the wedding themselves (we did) and tend to get married a bit older (the couple themselves know more people and those people tend to have partners and kids themselves).

It does sound a bit tactless that your friend keeps talking about it to you, although she’s probably just excited and isn’t thinking (I know my mum and her friends often discuss their children’s weddings and I don’t think many of them have been invited).

OP is a family friend, known the bride and family for decades, not just mums pal

I've known lots of my mum's friends my whole life but they're still just that - mum's friends and I'd never have considered inviting them to my wedding.

I didnt realise parents' friends were often invited to wedding. Couples' friends come first.