No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

No gift or card if it was me. My friend was telling me she's been invited to a wedding soon. On the invites it said please eat before hand, only canapés being served. Is this a new thing?

In our case, save the date cards were sent to immediate family only. It was just mentioned to others in passing. The only way you will know for sure is to ask or wait until invites are sent out.

I was sent save the date cards . Obviously, I need not have bothered.

I definitely wouldn't send a gift! If they had spoken to you and said we're really sorry we'd love to have you there but can't exceed x numbers, or something, then fair enough - but she has blatantly chosen to blank you and so be it. Send a card if you want.

Tbh I can't understand why people give presents to adults anyway - and certainly not children of adult friends, after age 18. You have to stop at some point, now is the time to stop! Give a tinkly laugh and say to your friend 'aah, your lovely DDs are so grown up now, I can't believe they're both married. I guess it's time I stopped giving Christmas and Birthday presents, they must think I'm a bonkers old lady for going on so long.......ha ha'!

This

I don't know if this is the same level, but my oldest best friends daughter got married recently. I have been in her life since she was born, my friend and I are more like sisters. Now her daughter had a small wedding, registry office, two witnesses. Went away for a few days, then had a huge seperate reception party, everyone dressed in wedding outfits etc. I was a little bit miffed that I hadn't been invited to the party, as I'd watched her daughter grow up, she'd rung me for advice from time to time, we'd had days out together. (But her mums (my best friend) other two friends and family, who only met 15 years prior, due to school runs, were invited). We've all always been more like family than friends. It does hurt a bit, under those kind of circumstances, but I think we just have to suck it up. And I was totally happy for my friend and her excitement over it all and enjoyed looking at the photos last month. I know that everyone can't be invited, they have to consider cost and logistics etc.
But I wouldn't rush to get a gift, that's for sure! A card, yes x

Your friend is showing her true class by mentioning the wedding at all if she knows you aren’t invited, let alone mentioning other friends who have been etc. What a dozy, socially-unaware cow. It’s natural to be excited for your child’s wedding. However, it sounds as though you two are fairly close friends that go back a long way, and as such she shouldn’t be looking to make you feel awkward, humiliated or uncomfortable in any way. So why is she? The kind reason is because she’s a thoughtless, boastful idiot; the not-so-kind reason is she wants to hurt you for some reason, and bc you are polite she is getting away with doing so. It is obviously absolutely up to the couple who they invite but she doesn’t have to discuss the wedding with you unless you ask about it.

I would send a card, absolutely no gift. Why should you care WHAT it looks like to anyone else as no one cares what it feels like to you? - Again, I understand OP doesn’t have an ‘ultimate right’ to be invited, but nor do they in receiving a present from someone they don’t want at their wedding.

Spend the £ you’d have given them on yourself, OP, and enjoy it!

Presumably your daughter is going if she is still good mates with the bride? So can she not find out the situation? And if they're not good friends any more then I wouldn't expect an invite as a friend primarily of the mother.

@MoonWoman69 I’d have been more than a little bit miffed, you are clearly a nicer person than me ☺️ Your acceptance does you credit, I hope your friend appreciated your kindness and sensitivity. It wasn’t her wedding to invite but you had every right to feel the way you did. Always best to try to stay positive, despite hurt feelings 👏🏻

I’d try to get a mutual friend to find out it you’re invited, it’s less awkward.

If you have no social circles in common perhaps that’s why you’ve been left out - but it does seem very very weird that your friend would discuss the wedding in this level of detail if you were invited to the last one but aren’t to this one.

I suppose it’s a difficult situation with there being 2 daughters and the 1st inviting OP to theirs. If it had been the other way round then the invite from your friend’s daughter would have been a bonus and felt more special. The way it’s happened would make it easy to expect an invite to both the daughters’ weddings even if one shouldn’t. Don’t take it personally OP, there could be all sorts of reasons behind the decision - finances, family - the bride might object to being pressured into inviting her mum’s friends or following what her sister did. You have no idea of the dynamics at play behind the scenes.

Probably means a lot to the parents though. Most parents are invested in their DC's lives, and most friends take an interest in the things that matter to their friends.

Exactly this. The OP is meant to be a long-time friend of this woman - 30 years - and they know each others families, so FGS just ASK the woman. 'Is insert daughter's name inviting me to the wedding..? I am not clear as you have not said either way, and just wanted to verify it, so I can save the date.'

Every venue has a limit on the number of guests - regardless of how much money is at play. It's likely they can't invite everyone they'd like to - and unfortunately you (and likely many others) didn't make the final list.
It's fine to be upset about it. That's normal and I think in your situation I'd be a little upset too.
However, it is indeed the bride and groom's choice about who they invite and you have to accept that.
I'd try not to take it personally because it really is hard to make the decision on who to invite and who to exclude when you'd like to invite 150 people but your venue can only accommodate 100.
One thought: it's possible your friend doesn't know you're not invited. If the bride and groom have sent the invites, it's entirely possible she has no clue you didn't make the list.
If she does know, then your friend is being very tactless by talking about other friends who are going when you're not.
I'd just ask her outright. Something like "Although I know Xxx and Yyy weren't able to invite me to their special day I'd still like to buy them a wedding present. Could you send me the details of their gift list please?".
You don't have to actually send them a gift though (unless you want to...).

And yet these people who are chuffed that their friends are taking an interest in their children.. (small, school age, and college and uni age and adult,) AND the adult children themselves, can't be fucked to invite these people who invested so much time and effort and money in them - for 25 or so years - to their wedding.

I agree with the pp. People need to distance themselves from their friends children. As the children (when they are younger - and older,) don't seem to give a shit about their parents very good lifelong friends.

Some people are acting like the OP is worthless to this family. Like FFS OP, why should this woman's daughter invite you? After all, you are ONLY her mother's close friend of 30 years, who has been close to the family/the children and bought them cards and gifts for birthdays and Christmas, for several decades, and shown constant interest in them for their whole life!'

Fucking hell! I'm glad I don't have some of you people in my life!

If you bailed on the first wedding like you bailed on this thread I’m not surprised you haven’t been invited back…

No!

The brides aren't treating OP equally; why should she treat THEM equally? At least the first one had the courtesy to invite her.

Send nothing, OP. You've been put in your place by Bride #2. Don't chase after her with a card or gift. It's absurd to suggest that you do.

Thats awful. Weddings aren't just about you; they are also about the parents of the B and G, and wider family/friends.

Wow, that's cold.

It never occurred to you that your mother might have liked to share the event with her longtime close friend, so they could reminisce about it afterward?

The people you invite are more than spectators to your big Princesse Day, you know. Some consideration for their experience is in order.

I wasn't invited to my bridesmaid's wedding a few years ago (she was a relative's child as a bridesmaid and I'd known her from birth, at that time probably the closest thing to a sister i had). Given that there were 20 years or so in between my wedding and hers, and we had only really kept in touch via her parents, I didn't think anything of it. Sent the usual card and chose something from the present list, and wished her well. It never occurred to me to take the humph.

Last paragraph.

No it doesn't.

Agree.
Same for cousins.

I'm childfree and while of course my estate might be consumed with care expenses if I live to old age, if I die anytime soon there will be considerable left over. I had the five children of my cousins (I have no nieces or nephews) who are in their 30s now listed as beneficiaries. The amounts for each would have been life-changing.

Meh. They can't be bothered to talk with me at Christmas gatherings and none invited me to their weddings (of the three married so far.) Nor did I receive thank-you notes for the monetary gifts I sent for weddings, uni degrees, the home purchases.

I changed my will; most of it is going to Sheldrick Wildlife Trust to save the elephants with a few bequests to old friends. Feels much better now that's done. No longer bothering to send them cards or gifts, either.

@LaurieStrode

Wow, that's cold.

It never occurred to you that your mother might have liked to share the event with her longtime close friend, so they could reminisce about it afterward?

The people you invite are more than spectators to your big Princesse Day, you know. Some consideration for their experience is in order.

I completely agree with this. It's very self centred and also short sighted. I think it's a generational thing and younger people are more selfish and tend to be all about inviting who they consider are their friends to celebrate with them at their big day. It's also not just about the parents wanting to share it with their friends, its about the close friends who irrespective of how the children feel, are likely to be people (like the OP) who has known the child their whole life, paid attention, been interested and feel like an 'aunty' or 'uncle' in that wider sense of the word.

If you look at guest lists or photos for older generations weddings, there are typically lots of friends of the bride and grooms parents there who know the children. Admittedly that is partly because historically the bride's parents would be the main payer but it's not just that - it's a shift in values and attitudes.

If you think about it, the chances are if a person in their late 20s or early 30s invites "their mates", the overwhelming probability is that in 10 years or 20 years time, they won't even see half of these people or still be in touch with them. They will be 'friends of convenience' wearing a mantle of 'good friend' that is shed when they move away or don't work with them any more. On the other hand, the parents' longstanding friends, who've known you since you were 1,2,3,4,5, etc, will probably still be around and interested in you, even if you don't give a tiny rats ass.

Something else I'd add is that when your parents die, you will hugely value contact with their longstanding friends who will keep them alive in their memories of them. If you are grieving, there is nothing more comforting that having a longstanding friend of your parent, reminisce with you about the friend they loved. It's not necessarily the best thing to just assume these people are nothing to you, even if it might feel like that today, it may not tomorrow.

Tbh I having 2 daughters myself I would have took it very personal and an insult that you cancelled so close to the wedding. Yes you couldn't help it but people can be very petty and I think I would be too. It seems this way as you say all other friends are going.

@paulaparticles didn't the OP say it was because of COVID? If so, what should she have done, gone anyway? Did the right thing staying at home if she knew she was infectious/just had it or whatever if so.