Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

313 replies

Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 02:14

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

OP posts:
skelter83 · 16/01/2024 02:33

I would say that it’s not really up to your sister. Assuming your husband is a good, involved father, his opinion as to whether your child will cope is more valid than your sister’s. My friend insisted on my kids going to her wedding because she really loves them, which is really nice but it was a complete faff for us (one child with needs).

Original poster
Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 02:37

Yes DH is very involved and will be the one looking after DC most of the time as I’ll have the baby.

OP posts:
Outthedoor24 · 16/01/2024 02:44

What is there to sort?
Is the child going to the wedding or not?

I think you should talk to your sister directly rather than via DH.

Is it possible to have other Granny on standby to collect your DD if the day gets too much for her?

Other things would be to have something casual for her to change into after the photos if her dress is bugging her.

Original poster
Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 02:50

I’ve tried to persuade DH but haven’t got anywhere, I thought he could have a conversation with sister as she could tell him about what was in the venue that would make the day easier for DC. If she wanted DC to be there so much, I thought she wouldn’t mind speaking to DH about it.
I’d spoken to sister as well and said I need DH to be ok with it otherwise DC won’t be able to come. Other Grandparents are away unfortunately.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/01/2024 02:51

Just because it's her wedding it doesn't mean she gets what she wants.

If your DC won't enjoy the day or will be distressed then that's that. She's selfish

tabulahrasa · 16/01/2024 02:53

Do you think your DC will manage?

Cant you go, with the idea that if your DC is stressed and unhappy your DH can take them home if needed?

Original poster
Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 02:57

tabulahrasa · 16/01/2024 02:53

Do you think your DC will manage?

Cant you go, with the idea that if your DC is stressed and unhappy your DH can take them home if needed?

I think there will be ups and downs and we will definitely need to take DC to a quiet place at times throughout the day.
It’s a bit of a way from home but can take them back to hotel.
I would definitely choose not to bring DC but as my sister says she’ll never get over it then I feel I must.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 16/01/2024 02:59

You need to do what’s best for DC not for DSis. So if you’d definitely choose not to bring DC, that’s what you do

roseheartfly · 16/01/2024 03:00

So if your DC child doesn't go who would look after them?
Your husband?

Is the wedding local? Could he come for the service and go?

roseheartfly · 16/01/2024 03:01

Your sister is being unfair but your DH needs to meet in the middle here.

Original poster
Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 03:01

roseheartfly · 16/01/2024 03:00

So if your DC child doesn't go who would look after them?
Your husband?

Is the wedding local? Could he come for the service and go?

My husband would have to stay and look after DC. We don’t have many childcare options due to SEN.
It’s not local. It’s quite a drive away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Qualitystreet01 · 16/01/2024 03:04

roseheartfly · 16/01/2024 03:01

Your sister is being unfair but your DH needs to meet in the middle here.

Yes I agree he does. I feel like I’m in an impossible position here. My sister is very angry with me and this is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid.

OP posts:
PerfectTravelTote · 16/01/2024 03:09

Your dh needs to get over himself.

Guibhyl · 16/01/2024 03:09

Why do your sisters needs trump those of a child with SEN? She’s being totally bridezilla. Her position should be “I would love it if DNiece could come as you know how much she means to me. To try and make it easier for her we could offer X/Y/Z at the venue if any of those would help? But if you don’t think she’ll manage then I do of course understand”. Anything else is selfish and egocentric.

Squiggles23 · 16/01/2024 03:14

Tough one, could you ask someone else (DH’s parents?) to come up and at the hotel and be on standby to take the kids if they are struggling. That would be super helpful as they could go off to bed at a good time and you can enjoy the evening kid free.

If she loves your niece I can see why she would be really sad to not have her there. It’s just one day so I would try and find a way.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 16/01/2024 03:16

Your sister is BU.
If she really loves the child as much as she says, then she'll also be aware how much this might be a challenge for the child and you/your OH. She has no right to be angry with you. Maybe your husband knows this too, but is also less swayed by your sister's demands. Could you compromise and just go to the ceremony as a family, but politely excuse yourself for the rest of it? I do understand sister wanting you there but she also needs to consider that it's going to be quite challenging.

JoanneParish · 16/01/2024 03:17

You don’t negotiate with (emotional) terrorists.
if your sister is never going to forgive you for a reasonable parenting decision for your children then the relationship is not a healthy/positive one that you should be investing in. I’m sure she’s just wedding stressed but I would be ignoring any and all input from her on your and DHs parenting decisions.

DHs opinion on this should be valued more than your sister, and more than yours - he is the one that will be parenting your SEN DC if you will be busy with the baby.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 16/01/2024 03:18

PerfectTravelTote · 16/01/2024 03:09

Your dh needs to get over himself.

Perhaps the sister also needs to understand that loving someone involves putting their needs to the forefront too?

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/01/2024 03:19

I think your priorities are skewed here.

You would rather not take DC. Your DH doesn't think it's a good idea for DC to go.

The only reason you are taking DC is because your sister has stamped her foot and emotionally blackmailed you.

Her feelings are irrelevant. The well-being of your DC matters here. Would they like to go to the wedding? I know they're only little but is it something they might enjoy (even if they struggle a bit in parts).

I have two DC with additional needs, and one would absolutely hate to have to endure a wedding. The other might be mildly interested but the overwhelming nature of the day would mean she'd probably choose not to go at all.

What your sister wants is irrelevant. It's great that she loves your DC - if she does, she'll understand that they can't manage a big event like a wedding. Maybe you could have a low-key family celebration on another day? Even if it's just a meal or a trip out, but an alternative celebration of your sister's wedding that your DC can cope with.

And I nearly forgot that you have a little baby too!!! Kindly, your sister needs to get a grip. You and your DH need to decide what's best for your child and to go with that decision.

Remaker · 16/01/2024 03:21

I think your sister is BU. By insisting on your DC coming she’s basically saying she doesn’t care if you have a terrible time (or indeed if DC enjoys themselves) just so long as she gets what she wants. What is her main concern- the photos? Can DC go for a short while then your DH takes them back to the hotel and you stay on? Can’t you just plan to do that and not tell your sister. Just say DC was upset/not feeling well so DH has taken them for a rest.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/01/2024 03:23

It sounds like you wouldn't easily find a childminder for DC if they didn't go? If that's the case then does DH want to stay home with her? Otherwise surely you have no choice but to all go as a family. Or you go alone and DH has both the kids at home?

If you can get childcare then do so and come along without DC. Your Sister will surely be so engrossed in her wedding she won't notice the absence of one small child. On the day I bet she would not care or notice.

Guavafish1 · 16/01/2024 03:23

I think your sister needs to be more flexible and accommodating. Your husband is being over the top!

Obviously they are both stressed and you've just had a baby to focus on.

I think your sister should allow your husband and child to come and go when they want too. Tbh she will be busy and won't need them to be there all the time.

I just think it's stress talking ... you need to reassure her but tell her to be flexible for the sake of her nephew.

LovePoppy · 16/01/2024 03:24

Your sister is being ridiculous.

you say your husband is a good involved father. Why are you ignoring his feeling?

babyproblems · 16/01/2024 03:31

Guibhyl · 16/01/2024 03:09

Why do your sisters needs trump those of a child with SEN? She’s being totally bridezilla. Her position should be “I would love it if DNiece could come as you know how much she means to me. To try and make it easier for her we could offer X/Y/Z at the venue if any of those would help? But if you don’t think she’ll manage then I do of course understand”. Anything else is selfish and egocentric.

This

HollyKnight · 16/01/2024 03:45

Stand up for your child! If you think this day will be distressful for them, then why are you even considering putting them through that? That is very unfair. Your sister is being selfish to not even care about the stress this will cause a vulnerable child. I'm glad your husband is determined to put the needs of his child first.