To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

What age is your DD - is she able to verbalise whether she would like to be at the wedding. If she would, surely that’s the most important consideration ?

What are you losing tho if your relationship is chged with your sister? Your relationship now is pretty crap tbh. She's being massively unreasonable to not take account your childs needs and further, to decide her wishes should be the ones taken into account, not those of you and your dh. I'd stick with whatever you and your dh agree to do on this tbh.

I absolutely agree with this

OP, what do you think would be best? If you and DH agree it's best for your DC not to go, then stick to your guns

Set the wedding question aside at the moment and really have a think about your family dynamic.

You say that standing up to your sister’s demands about your child (and they are demands) will change your relationship with her forever. Is that necessarily a bad thing?

Might it be better to draw a line, let her have her tantrum and reshuffle the power dynamics when things settle. You don’t have to keep your family happy all the time. If the rest of your family want to stay stuck in a problematic dynamic, you don’t have to.

Then you can think about the actual wedding. What would be possible and reasonable for you and your DC? What is reasonable for your husband? Decide on that together and then just tell your sister that is what is happening. It’s not up
to her.

You don’t have to be ‘stuck in the middle’. Talk to your husband and agree what’s right for your children (without considering demands from your family of origin). Then, as a family unit, just tell your sister and mum what will be happening.

I really feel for you. I've been in a similar situation and remember being really thrown by it.

DD was a bridesmaid so obviously she was going but after the festivities and main event I wanted her to go to the other side of the family for a sleepover so we could have a relaxed and fun time - think 6pm after a long day.

The bride was adamant I was an awful person and it wasn't fair that DD wasn't staying the full time. DD was only very small so would have had to go to bed early anyway. I said that she would be too busy to even notice that DD was there or not and unless she was going to be the one looking after DD she couldn't really demand her presence. This was step mum not sister in law and she did accept it in the end and DD did stay later.

We've actually since cut contact because she's an unreasonable person.

Is there chance of a middle ground with you still able to enjoy?

In addition, to me it's just very selfish with no regard for what's actually good for your child and no understanding as to why this wouldn't be a good idea.

I'd say it's OP's sister who needs to get over herself. All this drama about how she will never forget it if her niece doesn't come to the wedding is totally unnecessary. Presumably she would cope if her niece is unwell on the day, for example, and can't come. OP's husband is thinking about the child's welfare, OP's sister is thinking about herself.

I'll be honest here but I think you are far too focused on your sister when it should be on what is best for your child. Especially as your sister has obviously planned a day that will be more difficult for then than it could be. Not the act of an aunt who will be devastated if they're not there.

It sounds like it's time you started focusing on what best for you as a family and not what your sister wants.

Sounds more like your Dh trying to get out of going to me, sorry - your dsis knows your child is challenging and still wants them there which is the contrast to nearly every other similar post people write.

My dc has sen, autism plus several other conditions, and never have I excluded them, and in fact I think this inclusivity has been helpful in getter her to the point where she is fairly independent now as an adult. My dsd has profound disabilities and she isn't being excluded either, in fact we are bringing her carer as back up.

Your DH is right. No way would I be pussyfooting around your bossy overbearing sister who is still behaving like a toddler with her childish demands and threats.

She’s clearly a brat and her poor behaviour has been enabled by your silly parents and you for her entire life. It’s pathetic but sadly, not that unusual.

In your shoes, I’d consider going to the wedding with the baby if I actually fancied going (catching up with other family members), and leave DH to look after your child in whichever way works best for him.

The most important thing here is to STOP pandering to your sister. She’ll either learn to accept that she can’t treat others like shit or she’ll dig her heels in deeper and you’ll have to have nothing to do with her for a few years. Your family is your DH and children. They need to be your priority now.

I worked in an SEN provision for years and I'm furious at your sister's attitude.

If she loves your child SO much then she'll consider their needs first and what is best for them.

And the way she's treated you? You have a new baby and you're having to deal with this nonsense and emotional drama. She sounds like a spoiled self centred individual to say the least.

Your husband is advocating for your childs needs. If she refuses to acknowledge them,
that's on her.

OP, it sounds like you're going to have to tell you sister firmly that, though you don't want to upset her, you have to put your child's welfare first, and point out that she will have a lovely wedding without her niece being there.

This is a hard one for you because it's the first moment when you realise putting your family first means putting your new family ahead of your existing one. If you have a kid with SEN you are unfortunately going to have many situations where you have to put their needs ahead of others who you care about but who don't or won't understand. It's a big one - a wedding - but you need to set the groundwork for any decision you make now : these decisions are not personal about the other person but are you putting the needs of your kid and new family first.

I usually side with the bride over wedding choices but IMHO she's being completely unreasonable about this. I don't think I have anything to add on to of what others have said, but I'm just annoyed on your behalf 😆

Woah that is some leap....

agree. your sister is being selfish and making it all about herself. Where's her concern for your dc? Advocate for your child and say no, dc stays home

I'm afraid I'd be telling your sister it's tough titty. Your child's needs trump her wants. Any fallout would be entirely on her. I'm shocked she would stress you out like this, especially as you've not long had a another baby.

Well done to your DH 👏👏👏

OP, please advocate for YOURSELF here; do what is going to be the best for you and therefore both your children. If neither you DH or your other family are willing to do this for you, you MUST do it for yourself. (From someone who has spent decades pandering to others).

This needs to be about what is right for your family - your DH and 2 DC - not your sister. Within your family, your needs as a new mum with a newborn and a child with special needs are the number one top priority. I have been to a couple of weddings with a newborn and it is HARD! At that point I only had one so even the thought of coping with two little ones is making me go hot and cold!

If you can have a lovely day as a family and you will feel supported and unstressed then do it, if not, then no it is not even up for discussion. Your sister is going to be so busy on the day, whether your DC are there or not is really not going to even register with her.

What exactly is a leap? Elaborate.

If your dh posted here, he'd be told he has a DW problem. You need to stand up to your family. show your dh he and dc are your highest priorities

You need to organise how-to have ds there for the main bits. Lots of practice. Fidget toys. Screen time with headphones etc. try and do some of the day if you can't do the whole thing. It might be a pain but I think your DC might like the fact he went when he looks back at photos. It's also important to your sister that he isn't excluded

You said yourself that you wouldn’t take your DC to the wedding but feel you must because it is your sister’s wedding. And this isn’t because you are close and best friends. It’s because she has demanded they come and she always gets what she wants even if it isn’t in other people’s best interests.

Put your DC first. That is what your DH is doing