To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

I also think your sister is being ridiculous.

Saying she will 'never get over it' is a massive over reaction and leads me to think she has form for being a bit of a drama queen

Both you and your husband think your DC will struggle to cope and I think that should be enough to make the decision to leave them at home with DH

Can you lobby your parents to help facilitate the conversation with your sister and encourage her to see she is being unreasonable?

But OP who is the child’s mother says the child will be fine so why is DHs opinion the only one that matters?

Interesting dilemma though, normally it’s bride doesn’t want kid with special needs at the wedding now it’s bride wants the child but father says no.

Ffs, if your sister did truly love your child, she would want to do whatever is best for THEM, not her. Seems it’s likely that is your child not going. So your child stays home with DH, or at a local hotel with DH, whatever works best. Problem sorted.

Both you and your sister seem overly dramatic so best just to cut the drama on your side at least and tell her that’s the way it is, you don’t care if she holds it against you forever/can’t take another breath/cries into her pillow every night/whatever other ridiculous dramatic scenario she comes up with. The end.

@IReallyStillCantBeBothered OP says 'I would definitely choose not to bring DC' so although he may 'cope' she has said there'll be ups and downs, he'll need a quiet place away from it all and she is essentially only taking him due to her sisters insistence

Sorry, I realise I have possibly wrongly assumed DC is a DS not a DD

My sister is used to getting her own way. I don’t remember ever going against her wishes, since I was a small child. No one ever really told her she was being unreasonable including my parents. My Mum also thinks I must bring DC to make sure sister doesn’t get upset.
I know I must put DC’s needs above anything, I’m just struggling to handle sister being so angry and upset with me.
I once tried to tell sister she was unreasonable and no one in my family supported me even though they all secretly think it.

Either stand up to your sister and brave yourself for the tantrum. Your DH must be feeling very inspired by you, putting your sister before him and your DC.
Or, pretend that you will go with DC, but plan for just you and baby. Then, on the weekend of the wedding, day DC had a stomach bug/melt down/whatever and she had to stay behind with DH.
But why would you make the weekend miserable for your entire family because of your sister? You sound too caught up with pleasing her. Let her be angry, not your problem.

This problem sounds more deep rooted than the reason given.

What is the relationship like between your dh and sister? It sounds quite tense.

"..she'll never get over it...."

Really? She is being melodramatic and completely unreasonable. She WILL(!) get over it, of course she will, what else can happen?

Be decisive and don't drag this conversation any further. You are over complicating the issue. Just say you hear her but at the end of the day you and DH will make this decision.

Then swiftly change the subject and ask her about her dress or something nice 👍

He’s always thought she’s unreasonable secretly but never said anything to her. So face to face it has always been ok up until now.
Yes the issue is more deep rooted than just the wedding.

I’m very lucky that DH is understanding of the family dynamic. But he’s not going to put DC in an environment not entirely suited to their needs because of it. It’s just me in the firing line of all of this which is hard to take. I know it’s for DC own good.

I think it's possible your DH is a bit of a drama merchant.

Your DC will be invited to less and less as they get older. That's the reality for kids with severe SEN. I think take them, let them be in the family wedding photos, involve them as much as they can handle, let them feel loved and included though. Can DC eat normally?

What does “never get over it” actually look like in reality?
Are your parents offering to help with your DC on the day?

If she really adored your child she would want them to be happy and safe, which they are at home with dad. Your child's parents both think the child is better at home with dad. Your sister needs to be told no. Sounds like she needs told it more than she's getting.

Tell your sister she's being unreasonable and if she carries on then none of you will go

I believe it means that my relationship with her won’t be the same.

I’m with your husband and I think your sister is being really unfair and manipulative.

It sounds like it could be a stressful day for your child, and for you as parents if your child attends. Your sister should understand that. It’s fine for her to be a bit sad about it and it’s lovely that she wants your child there, but she needs to think of others here.

I believe it means that my relationship with her won’t be the same.

She would be mad to let it change your relationship, but if she does, that’s her choice. If she’s the sort of person to manipulate and blackmail, even if you all do what she wants this time, something else will come up in the not too distant future where she does the same again.

I think that would probably be a risk I’m prepared to take. You can’t be held emotionally hostage by her.

you you really want to be controlled by someone who has zero understanding for your DC well-being?

The fact that your sister could throw a tantrum over a special needs child attending your wedding is appalling. It's not about your entitled sister, it's about a small child enduring what is likely to be an unpleasant experience for the child. I think your husband is right. Your child is not a performing monkey. Your concern should be about your husband and child and not your sister. You have a special needs child and all your sister is thinking about is "her stress". Tell her to suck it up and get on with it. After this sort of carry on though I would likely not attend the wedding at all and tell your sister and your mother where they could stick their invitation.

I believe it means that my relationship with her won’t be the same.

Good! Because your current relationship involves you wanting to put your own family in situations that will cause suffering.

Op, your dh seems to be standing up for your child here.

Your sister is being beyond unreasonable ! You can’t INSIST on anyone being at your wedding, especially not a child that is likely to find the event overwhelming and distressing.

’dsis dh and I have made a decision to keep xx at home for the wedding as it’s likely to be a very distressing event. I know in an ideal world you would like xx to be there but we have to do the right thing for xx. We are looking forward to your special day - love op’

I imagine your dh is thoroughly sick to the back teeth of your highly manipulative, narcissistic sister demanding everything is her way or the highway. Has it always been like this with her?

I wouldn’t waste too much money on a wedding gift, I can’t imagine any relationship she has is going to be terribly successful.

You’re in the middle out of choice and hopefully your H draws a line under understanding your family dynamic when it means being thrown under the bus by you because you’re scared of your sister. Appeasing your sister is your thing, don’t drag your child and H into it.

So from reading your updates OP it seems like what has happened is that with a background of you and your parents tiptoeing around your sister and her moods her whole life you've gone and sent DH to have a reasonable discussion with her.... and that's what's happened, and she doesn't like it !
What is it people say on here? It's an invitation, not a summons? Your sister can't order people to come to her wedding if she is determined to ruin her own wedding day in order to insist that her preschooler nephew who has SEN is in attendance, that's on her.
This is a shit situation for you, particularly when you just had a baby, and you shouldn't be caught in the middle, but you also can't expect your DH to join you and your parents in prioritising your sister's wants 9ver everybody else's needs. Honestly, if your sister didn't mind either way, would you want to take your DS to this wedding?