To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

OP, I think your sister is being staggeringly unreasonable and inconsiderate - I'd say even narcissistic. And the emotional blackmail/ drama .... all while you have a new baby, and oblivious and completely uncaring towards your DC's needs, never mind your or your DH's comfort.

Frankly, you'd be well justified to saying YOU will never forgive her or get over it if she doesn't stop this crap right now.

But I know you probably won't do that, because you sound like a pleaser, who has spent their whole life bending over backwards to compromise and please her. I'm saying this with empathy, as my instincts are the same.

Trust me- the kind of person your sister is does not get easier from this behaviour. They just become dictators, everyone else always treading on eggshells.

I feel sorry for your DH- he's trying to give you some of the firmness you lack. But he really shouldn't be stuck in the middle.

YOU would prefer not to bring your DC. Your DC would be happier not going. And it's your DSis. It actually shouldn't be for your DH to negotiate. I understand you've just had a baby, but I bet this has happened before too? If we switched the genders here, and say it was a MIL causing an issue, we would classically say 'you have a DH problem.' Because it is the biological family who should sort this stuff out, not the person who is the in-law.

This really should be your job to be firm, not your DH.

I understand that in the circumstances, with your energy depleted from new baby, and the escalated feelings of the wedding, maybe you will feel you have to go for compromise this time.... but I really hope you break free of your sister's spell soon.

Team Dad here. your sister should not be guilt tripping you.

It’s the brides day? Will she feel the same if a child has a meltdown during her special day? NO. Will she even pay attention to the child after the photos? NO. Will she bitch and moan later if the child interrupts the event? YES.

Maybe your sister would never get over it if her husband-to-be didn't attend the wedding. But I'm sure she could cope without her niece/ nephew if she really tried! She's being over dramatic, manipulative and selfish in my view.

You and your DH, and you two only, have the say as to whether your child should/ will attend. You know what they can or can't cope with, plus, surprise surprise, your DH will be the only one who has to deal with the child. Everyone else will simply coo over them and let your DH continue to do all the hard work.

Wait till she has children and can't put herself out for anyone else.

Have plan Bs for the day! Break the day down into segments. The vows part. If DC is struggling, sit at the back, so Dad can take him outside or somewhere else completely. The photos part. Have some family photos with a phone done at the start of the day, with grandparents if possible. If DC is struggling at official photo time, you'll at least have photos from the day. The eating part. Bring a mini pack- lunch so DC can eat at his normal time. The speeches part, get dad to go for a walk with DC, and maybe even pushing the baby in a pram. The grandparents part. Get them to babysit the baby for an hour during the reception. The reception - Let your family know in advance you'll be leaving early and just slip out quietly. The overall weekend. Choose family friendly accommodation - and a family acitivty on the Sunday. I'm not sure why all the drama? If you have a plan B for various parts of the day.

Just no.

Who would be looking after kids if they don’t come?

could you book a hotel if far from home and bring the kids for a little bit and then go back

Your sister sounds dreadful. So, it's more important that she gets to parade her DN around on her wedding day than it is that DN's needs and interests are actually being considered? If she's not listening to your concerns, she's being a dick.

Im sorry but you need to put the needs of your child first, not your bridezilla sister’s…
If the child will not enjoy it and struggle (needing to rest in a quiet place IS struggling) just because your sisters wants it, it is being ridiculous! Forget your sister’s demands totally, and then ask yourself- do you think that environment would be good for your child? If you still think that it’s a good option for them, then by all means, take them, but if the only reason is to please your selfish sister, please set your priorities right… oh, forgot to add, please think about yourself as well, you JUST had a baby!!! Any amount of stress is not good for you now.
Congratulations on your baby!! Xx

On the day, she will be too busy to notice whether the children are there or not. This sounds like something my own sister would do. I eventually snapped and put my foot down with her. Unfortunately you may have to do the same. You have your own little family now and they are your priority, you do what’s best for them. If sister throws her toys out of the pram that’s her problem.

@JoanneParish I love this phrase. I could have put it to good use many times in my life!
OP your child's needs should always come first. As an adult your sister should know and accept this without quibble and stop being a control freak.

I wondered if the reason your sister is so insistent is because you often dont bring DC out to events because of SEN? I think your Sis is getting an unfair kicking here - there are people who would not want even the possibility of an SEN child being at their wedding. At least she's inclusive.

Between you and your husband if you can't manage being out with your SEN DC for just a few hours then what happens generally, is your child just at home with one of the other parent? There are 2 of you. You're not alone. You said you think DC will be ok. You could go for just a few hours, if your child needs quiet time during event then your husband is on hand isn't he?

Its your Sister not an acquaintance and your husband should meet in the middle. Again - you said you think DC will be ok. Fancy having to argue about going to your own Sister's wedding. If your DC doesnt go then I suspect all of you won't go, at your husband's behest. Which is ridiculous. I think it's sad. This post & thread screams SEN = exclude/be out of sight.

Thanks everyone for the rest of the responses, it’s really given me a boost and I feel stronger in dealing with my sister.
@DeeCeeCherry this isn’t the case and I don’t appreciate the judgement that I want my own SEN child to be excluded or out of sight. Of course I would prefer them to be at the wedding, it hurts to even think about going without them.
But it it’s not suitable for them then it isn’t. Not everything will be. They don’t spend a lot of time at home like you’ve assumed, I do my best to get them involved in as much as I can.
It’s never been an option for me to not go to
my own sisters wedding, unless she doesn’t want me there of course. I have not indicated this in any of my posts.