To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

So who would stay home with the child as other grandparents are away?

Okay, an oversimplification here but... On Mumsnet how many times do you hear DC has been excluded because of SEN? Your sister knows what your DC is like and still wants them to be part of her special day. If at all possible try and go with DC, just have an escape route and/or regular breaks for DH & DC. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Unless your sister wants to look after your child all day she doesn't get a say in how you and DH want to manage the day. She cannot dictate you bringing DC if you and DH have doubts about how a) DC will enjoy the day and/or b) how much you and DH enjoy the day.

Your sister might be willing to compromise. Does she's actually mean she's wanting her niece there the whole day or it would be enough for her to be there a short time and in some of the photographs?

Do what is best for your family. Could you book a room so your kids or yourself can go chill out if things get too much.

This. Total Bridezilla. I feel sorry you're stuck in the middle.

Your sister is very much being ridiculous.

you have two options, as I see it;

1. your husband and child don’t attend, because that’s what you feel is best for your child.
2. you try, by all attending. If it’s too much for your child, then your husband takes your child back to the hotel.

Your sister is putting her needs before the needs of your child, who has SEN! Utterly ridiculous. Of course she’ll get over it if he’s not there. You make the decision that is right for your child. Honestly if she’s selfish enough to throw her toys out the pram as a result, I would be distancing myself.

Like all parents, you have the option to leave at any point when your baby/ child needs to leave. That's the whole of it.
Go for a bit, then slip away. She will be so busy she wont even know. Your childrens needs are more important than a grown woman's bridal hissy fit.

Agree to go, show your faces then bugger off somewhere nice that your child will be happier at. She cant say you didnt go and no one can blame you for putting your children first. She needs to grow up and accept the situation. You going as a family IS the compromise, how long you stay is your parenting decision....

I know all kids are different even with the same diagnosis but I just wanted to say that for our wedding we wanted as many of our friends and family as possible. We have quite a high amount of friends with neurodivergence so had about 5 or 6 kids there who were ND, non verbal and more highly functioning, including our own 2 children. Of course we put no stipulations on them and they could do what they saw fit. Actually all the kids coped really well, some going home early or having a rest for an hour or 2 somewhere more quiet. We had a room set aside for quiet play. As long as they aren't expecting you and DC to sit still and quiet through everything, I would imagine it might be OK. In the past when it was my brother's wedding my husband took both kids back to a hotel early and I stayed and that worked OK too. Good luck in keeping everyone happy! X

Your husband out ranks your sister when it comes to your child, if he doesn't feel comfortable with your DC going, then I think you need to support his views.

Your sister may want your DC there for photos or whatever, but she really will be able to get over it. She's being very selfish, as you know.

I think you just have to be clear with her that you and your DH have decided your DC won't be happy at the wedding so won't be attending, but you'll be there. If she has a tantrum and says she doesn't want you without your DC, just don't go, as she would be showing you that you're not that important to her. And I'd tell her right away, you don't need this stress, so best to get it over with quickly.

Realistically how much time will your sister spend with dc on the day?! She will be busy being the centre of attention as she should as the bride and tbh she won't care. Don't let this become a thing, tell sis what you need to do as a family and that's the end of it!

My two cents is this glaring red flag: 'My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.' This means 'My demands outweigh and totally invalidate any of you and the child.' 'Never get over it?'

All she would get from me is 'Too bad.'

Agree with this. Both parents agree bringing DC is not a good idea and the sister needs to respect that. If she loves the child, she should accept what is best for them.

Can you hire a care provider (teenager perhaps) to attend the wedding and help with the child so that you and DH can enjoy the event? Will the bride and groom offer childcare? If you know DC will not enjoy the wedding hoopla, decision made, the child comes first, always.

I have a son with SN and he has always come along to weddings with us. It is really stressful for him and us. We absorbe most of the stress. Conscious that the bride wants a smooth day, negotiating strangers who don't understand his SN. Just not enjoyable.

I have 2 children with SEN, when my sister got married I know they would not cope for the whole day, so booked a hotel room and a career. The career was able to take the children back to the room when they became overwhelmed. The room had lots of sensory items, favourite toys, snacks, food etc for the children. It was a really successful day, the children dipped in and out of the day and it worked really well.

I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.

Why don’t you just go and take the baby if you think it’ll be too much for your child with additional needs?

Your sister is being unreasonable…realistically she will be preoccupied most of the day and probably won’t even notice your DC isn’t there (except for photos).

I have two young children, neither are SEN and I would still personally opt to not take them to weddings because we like a drink and to let our hair down. Although I do appreciate that family weddings are different to friends weddings

What does your DH think your child will struggle with?

For what it’s worth we were in a similar situation. My brother got married and wanted us to bring my NT 2.5yo DD (flower girl) alongside my ASD non verbal 3.5yo DS

My gut instinct was no but we did it to keep the peace. DS actually did very well id even go as far as to say he enjoyed it. We however, did not. It was a crap day of stress and DH and I never being in the same room. DH spent a lot of time outside in the rain with DS. We even had MIL come to help but it was still so hard!

Don’t know what SEN needs DC has but if it’s ASD or ADHD, anxiety arises when faced with new/unfamiliar situations/places. Is there anyway you could visit wedding venue/hotel etc and talk it through with DC (in form of a social story)? This method is used in school to prepare DC for changes/visits etc. Can be quite successful.

Isn't that a good thing? You said she has always gotten her way. Time for that to end.
You must put your husband and children first.

Your sister will get over it. Your priority should be your family - husband and DC. Your sister will be enjoying her day (as she should), while your husband and child will potentially not. This will only get worst, you need to start putting your foot down.

I understand what you’re going through with regard to your child’s needs. My son is 6 and has asd. He appears fine in places and we can take him anywhere but he can become dysregulated in certain situations which to someone who doesn’t understand, he can appear to be fine. It can then take him a long while to get himself back on track and we have to compensate for it. As a result we consider carefully what we ask of him. I’d honestly say if both you and DH you feel it would be too much then don’t bring dc. Or perhaps attend for part of the day if feasible.
Unless a person has lived experience of
parenting a child with additional needs, I think it can be very difficult to understand the reality and implications of the situation