To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

I think that might be a good thing if "being the same" means you are hostage to her whims. At some point you are going to have to take a stand that your children's well-being comes before what she wants, you can't put her first and foremost for ever more.

I think your sister is going unreasonable.

I also think it's OK to push your DC outside their comfort zone they might enjoy the day more then you think. I say this as a parent of a child with ASD and other conditions.

I am not defending your sister, because she is wrong to put the pressure on you.

@Qualitystreet01 I think both your sister and your husband are being unfair to you. It’s a close family wedding. I understand why she wants your dc there. I think your husbands job in all this is to ask how he can help. So take your dc to the ceremony and then a few pictures and away. Maybe come back for a meal and leave again sort of thing. He actually sounds like he is putting up barriers and not trying to accommodate your child’s needs. It is lovely to recognise their needs but still enable them be a part of a big family event. Your sister is just wedding stressed. She’ll calm down I’m sure. But I would ask that your husband just does what you ask of him that day as it is your family.

That cuts both ways thoug, if she forces you to go against your instincts and force your child into a situation they really can’t handle, YOU will feel differently about your sister and her forcing you to put her over literally everyone and everything

your sister does not have that power, to potentially harm your kids.

this day was always going to come, if you don’t draw a line for the welfare of your kids, then when?

deep breath and do the right thing for you/yoir children

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this when you have just had a baby. Your sister sounds ridiculous. If she loved your DC that much she would be more concerned with what is best for them. Your husband sounds like he has had enough and now can't be doing with compromising out of irritation which I can understand but it's bad timing for you. Has your sister thrown her toys out of the pram now that you're saying none of you are going? I'd be of the mind to just her - I could not be bothered with someone that selfish when I had a SEN child and a new baby. Good luck OP, I feel for you.

Your sister is being selfish and cruel. Insisting on a child's presence against the child's best interests can't be described any other way.

Also, your sister will be so busy and distracted on the day. I bet she'd honestly barely think about it either way on the day itself. She'll be surrounded by friends and family.

You and your husband need to form a united front and tell her NO.

OP maybe you could write an email or letter to your sister explaining the situation
I think it's important that you outline this clearly to her as if she's upset now, she may rethink when she's had time to think later.
Something like
DSis
I love you and I want to be part of your special day. You need to know that just having given birth I am vulnerable and feeling already stressed with having DC with SEN as well as a newborn. DC loves you so much but a wedding is just not am easy environment for them and so whilst we can come for a bit, it's a challenge as they will get overwhelmed and will require a lot of extra care and places to eacape to. Having a newborn is also a full time job.
I know you think we should be able to manage this and come but it's logistically difficult and we know DC would struggle which is why we dont want to take DC.
I know you are angry with us and don't want us at your wedding but I thought you should understand why we made this decision.

I love you and hope your day is lovely
Quality street

Your sis is unreasonable. It's your child and your call if your child attend. It's not for your sis to decide. She is massively overstepping here.

I would really try to make peace with your sister over this. It is the most important thing in her life at the moment. Ultimately blood is thicker than water.

"Blood is thicker than water" doesn't mean that your sister gets to overrule your husband when it comes to decisions about your children.
This isn't about husband vs sister. The sister shouldn't really come in to it at all tbh. It should be a discussion between OP (who said she'd prefer not to take the DC) and her DH (who also doesn't think the DC should go).

Where is the value in the relationship with your sister?

She sounds absolutely hideous.

Ultimately blood is thicker than water
What about the blood between her and her DC and putting their needs first? Given your user name, you would understand how deeply upsetting and stressful events can be for ND children.

Also the entire quote is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, so your little guilt trip in a quote is entirely incorrect.

If the roles were reversed between you and your DH, everyone would be telling you that you have a DH problem, and pointing out that he was prioritising his toxic sister over your instincts as a mother and your children's wellbeing.

I don't think you are "caught in the middle". I think your sister sounds absolutely awful and it sounds like your DH has finally had enough of pandering to her. I'd be very worried that he's actually been swallowing his resentment for a very long time. I think you need to prioritise your marriage, urgently.

Really??

This is not about the OPs DH sucking up going to a wedding he just doesn't want to go to.

This is about a father standing up for his child where the OP clearly is not able
to see things properly due to her sisters past behaviour.

@Qualitystreet01 sounds like you’d be better off without your sister being so involved in your lives. If she genuinely adored your DC she’d want the best for them

@Qualitystreet01

What a sad situation you are in - in the middle, trying to appease your bridezilla sister behaving selfishly like a Violet Elizabeth Bott character. I'd be very surprised if, on possibly the greatest day of her life, and focused on the ceremony which she plays such a big part, that your sister will even remember if your children will (or will not) be there. What a pity she's been so spoiled growing up.

I think someone mentioned telling her what she wants to hear and then going what's best for your own little family when the time comes. Surely that would be better than none of you going to her wedding all. Also if she really loves your children surely she'd want the best for them?

Also consider your future dealing with your sister. She will get over whatever decision you and your husband make now and in the future but if she doesn't that's more her problem than yours. You are in a tug of war with your sister - maybe it's time you dropped the rope and let her learn to behave like a reasonable adult. 🌹

Weddings aren't common occurrences, you may find dc enjoys himself.I can't see why your dh won't at least try, and then take him for a walk, to the hotel room etc if it gets too much.

Sadly, your sister is being a selfish cow.
Your DH is rightly concerned acout you and your DC, yet your sister will be 'devastated' if your DC is not there. She is deliberately not understanding your issues
Being the bride is no excuse to act in the way she is

I think you need to dig deep and have a difficult conversation with your sister. You need to fake some confidence and lead the conversation strongly. She won't like it because people like her don't like others having boundaries. But remind yourself you are doing it for your child. You should be doing the majority of the talking. If she shouts you down or talks over you, remain very calm and tell her that you won't tolerate being disrespected. If she continues, walk away. If she argues, just repeat yourself calmly and if you feel you're going round in circles, just tell her you've made your decision and that's final.

She needs to understand from you that

1. The wedding is not an environment where DC can be safe, happy and relaxed. This is not up for debate; you as their parents know this, and don't require your sister to be convinced of it.

1. If your sister does "adore" DC, she would be thinking primarily of their wellbeing and not her preferences as an adult.

1. You would love to attend (with the baby?) but older DC will be staying at home with their dad because that's what's best for them.

And drop the guilt! You're asking nothing of her. You're looking after your child, that's all. If she was a half decent sister or aunty she would have applied zero pressure and would be happy to accommodate whatever you decide RE DC. She's a bully. Don't feel guilty for having sane boundaries.

OP, your sister is batshit unreasonable.

If she really wanted your DC there as such a priority, she would have - from the start - planned her wedding so it would be an event your child could cope with.

I've had family members contact me in the planning stage of events to ask how best to make it work for my DC. That's what 'adoring' looks like.

What she's doing is planning as she wants to - which she obviously has a perfect right to do - and expecting your DC to magically not be impacted by their needs on the day - which is crazy.

If she didn't take your DC into account in the planning she is in no position to dictate what they can and can't cope with/participate in now.

... why do you feel the need to pander to your sister so much that you would put her silly demands above the needs of your DC and the (completely sound and reasonable stand) of your DH? I think you need to have a proper conversation with yourself and where your priorities lie (I have DC with SN and would never make them dance to someone else's tune).

Is your dh genuinely putting your dc needs first or is he wanting to not go himself or not take dc and enjoy an adult wedding?

Our ds has asd and weddings are a struggle . Generally one of us drive and take ds to the wedding but leave if /when he's struggling.

Your sister needs to get a grip, it's a wedding not a summons.

You need to do what's best for your DC.

She sounds like a right Bridezilla.

It’s up to you & your husband whether you bring your children to her wedding, not her. You’re the ones who will be looking after them.

Try not to fall out with your husband over trying to please everyone. He raises legitimate concerns and she should be more respectful of you & your husband and your feelings about whether bringing both children to the wedding will work or not. She shouldn’t be imposing her wishes on others to this extent.

In some ways, if your relationship with your sister was never the same again, would that be such a bad thing?

It sounds like high time she learned she us not the princess of all around. Your parents have ruined her, unfortunately. And done some hefty damage to your self esteem. Hope things improve for all of you.

OP, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like you are usually considered the stoic, sensible one in your family. To that end I'd consider not hiding your feelings from your parents next time you see them and just having a big cry, frankly. You're a postpartum woman with 2 DC who is struggling - let them see that. It will help with the family narrative down the line if they start to see you as someone who needs to be looked after occasionally as well (ie it's not just your sister who always takes priority).

Tbh if your dsis is prepared and happy for any disruption, then as long as you think your dc will be ok I don't see why your dh has an issue. Normally it's. Case of people NOT wanting a wedding disrupted by dc. Is your dh using your dc to get out of going, does me not want to go (with or without dc)