To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

At first I thought your husband was digging his heels in but then you said you wouldn't choose to take DC either, well there's your decision, if both parents think it's not in the best interests of the child, the child doesn't go.
Your sister either gets over it or doesn't that's up to her. You seem very submissive in all of this putting everyone else's needs and wants above your own, don't teach your child that's the way she ought to be too.

I wouldn’t mention anything to sister again.
Work put a plan with dh.
So if your dc gets upset ha can remove them from the situation and maybe walk around the venue, go to the room etc.
If your baby starts screaming then you will have to leave the room.
I wouldn’t tell any if this to your sister. She will not notice who is where at the time of her ceremony.
She does sound quite awful but weddings can get to people.

Both your sister and DH should be making things as easy as possible for you right now - you've just given birth FFS!

But neither of them are. You shouldn't be put in such a stressful position over a wedding.

Given that you've been clear that the wedding is going to make your child uncomfortable what is she suggesting you do when the inevitable tantrum / meltdown happens? Is she going to take over given that she loves this child so much?

She's used to getting her own way? You don't say! She needs telling! And not just about the wedding. Spoilt brat.

Invites are not mandatory acceptance. You get an invite and the recipient decides whether to accept or decline. Yes your sister can be disappointed your DC might not be there that’s understandable but she doesn’t get to tell you he has to go, that applies to everyone not just someone with special needs. She’s brought this stress on herself by being a bridezilla

It’s one day, it’s your sisters wedding , how lovely to see she wants all her family there. There are so many weddings that exclude children and especially those with special needs. I think you find a way to do it your way, especially if you have your sister on board, get her to make adjustments/understand what potential issues your husband and you are worried about.
my daughter is autistic, we’ve done a few family events, adjustments we’ve made

• she’s only going to wear clothes she’s comfortable in, she would never cope with a bridesmaid/formal dress but we’ve found pretty soft cotton clothes.
• noise cancelling headphones
• a plan of the day
• we’ve talked her through the day in advance and got her excited about planning, making a card etc
• made sure there’s food she’s happy with
• taken her out for a walk, not stressed if she’s gotten unsettled, at some events people have not batted an eyelid and not had an issue, others were we felt it was disruptive we’ve taken her out.

I’d go as a family, but on your terms, if your sister is expecting a perfectly behaved child that’s an issue if she genuinely loves her niece and gets her challenges she’ll get it. Enjoy the day, stop stressing she’ll pick up on it and me being stressed always makes my daughters behaviour (due to anxiety worse), take comforters, toys, drawing an iPad etc we had a lovely lad at our wedding a son of my ex friend, he spent most of the ceremony outside with his dad, at the reception he played outside a lot, he was there, but on his terms, zero expectations they did anything other than meet his needs and we were so greatful they were there at all and he loved the disco and balloons and the games room we’d set up for the kids. being a family with a child with a disability is tough but creating memories with a supportive family are so important, you are surrounded by family who should be helping, hopefully your parents other aunts/uncles will pitch in, it takes a village to raise a family is the saying, let your family step up have an amazing day as a family.

your set up may be different but I’d have been heartbroken to think my daughter couldn’t go to my brothers wedding, cousins weddings, grandparents golden wedding anniversary etc it’s never gone smoothly but what day does we just adjust and plan, and find ways to be there while meeting her needs.

Having read all your posts, OP, your sister is an absolute brat. I know you are worried your relationship will be changed after this if you don't give in to her whims, but it sounds like it needs to change. Maybe it was okay letting her dictate everything before you had your own family, but that is not a dynamic that can or should continue. You do what is right for you and her reaction and response are her choice not yours. You are in such a vulnerable position right now and you need love and support from your family not this primadonna crap. You DH sounds like a good 'un by the way.

She will get over it. I'd just say to her : do your needs to see my child at your wedding, when you will be busy and not be able to spend more than a few minutes with them, them, over ride the needs of the child? That's it. If she was 'oh it will be fine blah blah' ask her how does she know? Has she taken your child to a big party all day? Say you know that it's not happening.
Or, as your husband has to stay with the child anyway (is this always going to be the case? No option of childcare?) how about he brings the child to the ceremony then takes them home? If logistics prevent this (how long is a long drive), then say no.
My wedding was child free. One relative, coming from abroad (which she did frequently and not a big deal) kicked off that firstly I didn't pick her kids to be in the wedding and then didn't want them at it. She made a HUGE fuss, said she just wouldn't come, got her mother and my mother involved. I said no issue from my side - there are no kids at the wedding and if she decided not to come so be it. Well of course she came. And then announced her (third) pregnancy at the reception...

Agree with @ilovesushi , your sister sounds like a right cow. It’s your child at her wedding this time, what is it next time?

personally, I’d be saying no to my DC attending and it’d just be me and the baby, with DH at home with DC, if he’s ok with that. She could like it or lump it.

If you’re into people-pleasing it’s not a bad idea to pretend you’re all going and pull out DC/DH on the day.

The eternal MN rule applies: the husband is always wrong, even when he’s right.

Does your sister normally dictate to you what you can and can't do ?

Kindly OP it sounds like you are trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one, which is why people are getting annoyed with you . Your sister is being completely unreasonable but if you want to keep the peace I'd go with your plan of have DC there for small chunks of time. I think all of you are letting this take up too much headspace when you should be able to have time to relax and bond with your newborn. Just wait until things cool off in a few days and message your sister and say you're all really excited to come. Plan that your DH and DC will be off doing other things for most of the weekend that suit DC, and just pop in and out of the wedding, but don't tell your sister that. She likely won't notice the comings and goings and if she does just blame meltdowns.

OP this is such a tricky situation and I feel for you. My advice would be to get it clear in your head what you think your DC could cope with and focus on limiting their involvement to that (whether that’s not going, going for parts of it etc). Don’t focus on the fallout after the wedding, appeasing your sister beforehand etc - advocate for your child and then whatever happens, you know you were putting THEM first. Good luck!

Is the hotel at the venue or a distance away?

If it's at the venue then it's probably more manageable. If not I understand your husband's concern.

Your sister needs to be realistic and help with exit strategies. Your husband should have a seat near a door for example so he can take DS out of the ceremony. Same with meal. There's no way he'll sit through speeches so better you are all somewhere he can slip back in as the food starts to be served.

I guess from your sister's perspective, if she said 'i don't want your son as he might spoil my service ' people would be saying 'he is family, more important than being a princess for the day'.

If there's a hotel room to escape to and a garden or grounds to run round it might not be so bad.

@Qualitystreet01 I can see both sides to this, although I think your DSis is being unreasonable to be so stubborn and not understand yours and your DHs concerns here. It is nice that your DC is invited and that your DSis wants full family there, but that’s not to say you should take them just to make her happy and you and your DH are right to consider how your DC would cope.

The moment has passed unfortunately but the best thing to have done first was to find out more about the venue - are there quiet spaces to take your DC if it gets too much? Is there anywhere nearby to take them that they would like and feel calmer if the whole event was too much? You can perhaps find this out by contacting the venue or googling things to do nearby - I think given what’s happened so far your DSis is unlikely to be reasonable enough to help with this now.

If however you and your DH are on the same page and are concerned your DC wouldn’t cope, then I think you need to unite in your decision and make it clear to your DSis and stand firm on it.

I think the more important question is does your sister love you?

If she did then she wouldn't be putting pointless pressure on you for something that is only one day in an entire lifetime of days.

If she is angry/sad/frustrated by your decision not to keep her at the top of the family tree like everyone else does then those feelings are entirely hers & nothing to do with you. She controls how she feels like you control how you feel.

I'm at a loss as to why you are putting your sister before your DC

You KNOW your DC will find it stressful, and good for your DH for putting his foot down.

This smacks of another bride just caring about looks and wedding photos, rather than the comfort and welfare of guests.

So the options right now are that you either go solo (or with baby?) or you go alone with the two kids. Your husband won't be attending either way?

Obviously the children need to come first but it does sound like husband has decided what is best and won't budge. And the sister is being unnecessarily dramatic. I have a feeling all of this powerplay is more about sister/husband relationship than about the children.

It’s difficult to make judgement on the info given but really do you think dh genuinely thinks dc won’t cope or he would rather not go to wedding? If it’s the former then dc comes first, dsis should understand that their needs mean they can’t attend, it’s a shame but if she throws a wobbly then she doesn’t care for dc in the way she should. If it’s more that dh would rather not go to wedding (sounds like a strained dynamic…) then could you come to some compromise of service only or something? Tbh if it’s dh who has to care for dc as you have the baby it really is his decision, esp as you say it’s quite a distance

Your sister is being unfair trying to dictate you take dc. But with any child, but especially one with SEN I'd be worried about the impact their behaviour may have on the wedding, but your dsis either doesn't mind or hasn't thought about it.

I'd try and take dc but have a plan in place throughout the day- dh takes dc out for regular quiet breaks/ goes for a walk/ screen time etc. then if things get really difficult dh takes dc back to hotel.

The behaviour of some people about weddings never ceases to amaze me.

I'm reading a book published in the late 1980s where there's a wedding. The May date is chosen early in the new year, the dresses are homemade, the reception is in the village hall with food being a 'finger buffet'. The guests had to vacate by 6pm. Like the weddings of my childhood.

How I long for those days when I read on MN about the hen parties, 'destination weddings', bridezillas and all the other manipulative horrors of today.

OP, do as you think fit for your family. And I don't include your sister in that.

Have only read OPs posts.
If I've understood it your sister is making a drama about your child being there and is throwing a tantrum about it if child doesn't attend.

But you have a baby to look after, so you are trying to make your DH bring the child and take care the DC during the whole wedding. DH thinks this is too stressful for DC and he thinks DC shouldn't go.

Frankly? you can't insist someone bring a child to a wedding so sister should butt out and just accept what happens.
You, OP, can't insist your DH give up a day and do all the gruntwork with a child that he thinks won't cope with the event. DH is the child's parent too. He is well within his "rights" to decline your generous offer to take up his time doing something he doesn't want to.

So, you go with baby, DH stays home with the DC and your sister gets over herself and learns to hear the word "no" more often.

I disagree that OP needs to decide what's best for herself and that that will automatically be what's best for the children. There's nothing in OP's posts to suggest that her DH is not doing what he considers to be best for the children. He is their other parent, and neither one should make unilateral decisions.

I have small children that don’t have SEN and I 100% would not choose to take them to a wedding as they would hate it, too much sitting around, too much waiting, too many times when they have to be quiet. I can’t even imagine how much more difficult it would be throwing SEN into the mix. I’m with your husband on this one it would be hell without the SEN.

Having said that if your sister is insisting then make sure she is aware that DC will likely not be quiet through the ceremony or the meal, will likely not pose for photos and will basically be over stimulated all day….then when she’s moaning after the wedding that your DC spoilt her day you can say I told you so.

I’m very lucky that DH is understanding of the family dynamic. But he’s not going to put DC in an environment not entirely suited to their needs because of it. It’s just me in the firing line of all of this which is hard to take. I know it’s for DC own good.

"I know it's for DC own good"
Well that settles it then surely. It sounds like if your sister had said "totally up to you if DC comes, we'd obviously love them there but no pressure", you'd be in agreement with your husband.