To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

I would definitely choose not to bring DC but as my sister says she’ll never get over it then I feel I must.

Don't be silly, you're a parent, you do what's best for your child not your sister. She'll be so busy on the day she won't notice her niece not being there. Your DH is right and your sister is being a manipulative and entitled cow. She'll never get over her niece not being there FFS tell her to grow up 🤷‍♀️

You say in your original post that you think your DC will be ok. Surely some compromise can be sought here?

This is so selfish of her and your family to put under this stress but if I were you I would pretend that I'm going to take my DD to the wedding and tell everyone this. Then the day before say sorry she is poorly and I think it's Chicken pox or something similar and would hate for the bridal party or anyone else to catch it, after all it could ruin the honeymoon if bride or groom were ill!!. Also DD is really grumpy and grizzly because she feels unwell and I would hate for her to ruin the wedding service etc.

I would have planned this with husband and then go to wedding on own or whatever but without DD. If anyone asks afterwards about how she is - oh thankfully it wasn't Chicken Pox she'd obviously been bitten several times by something but we are just grateful it wasn't anything worse.

You have to put your child first. Your child isn't a performing monkey to be shown off when people want with no regard to their feelings and abilities.

You all go and your DH takes child back to the room if he’s not coping.

Lying to her sister and everyone else is not going to improve their relationship.

OP, your sister wants your DC to attend because she adores them so much but in reality how much time will she spend with them on the day? Probably none. So she just wants DC to be in the photos. There seems very little to be gained from going along with her unreasonable demands.

Surely there is a compromise in here somewhere, DC attends for part of the day ? You have a hotel room to retreat to ? Also I think you should take turns with your DH even if you are breast feeding you can let him have a turn with the " easy " job.

Thanks for the replies.

i think there’s ways to accommodate the situation for DC and we can limit the time DC is present and can go back to the hotel room frequently.
The issue is now that I don’t think sister actually wants me anywhere near her wedding so all of this planning is for nothing!
DH and I had come up with a reasonable plan but now he’s seen this behaviour from her come up again, I don’t think any of us will be going.

She's being insane. It's just a wedding, it's really not a big deal, she won't see your DC all day anyway. Go alone and enjoy the day and leave DC with DH.

I think that they are both being unreasonable. Sister because she is insisting when dc might really struggle and dh for not being willing to try at all. Is he proposing to stay at home or hotel? Would he be likely to make the effort if it was his family?

I would see if there was a compromise such as dc comes for the photos, with a few special ones with your sister and gives the ceremony a go but probably won't manage the meal.

Oh well, her loss. Not your fault your sister is a chump.

This will be good practice for you in standing up for your child's interests in the face of unreasonable people.

Well - given her unreasonable behaviour maybe that’s for the best. I would calmly say you are happy to attend, and wish her well. Let your sister figure it out. Just take a step back and let her decide: it’s one day and not the end of the world whatever happens.

Sort of understandable on his part, to tell the truth.

Surely the easiest solution for all concerned would have been to take DC for just a couple of hours?

OP I know this is hard, I know you have recently given birth, but I would really try to make peace with your sister over this. It is the most important thing in her life at the moment. Ultimately blood is thicker than water. Try to find a time to have a calm conversation about this which doesn't result in none of your family attending the wedding. In the end your DH just has to suck it up it's one day in his life.

That doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. She seems to be a bully.

Thank you. I would like to sort it out and I hope we can. However, I know that once she gets angry that’s it.
I’ve really tried to support her through this process and I don’t know how I’ve ended up in the firing line. I know my DH is trying to put DC first but I’ve tried to come up with all sorts of compromises which will ensure DC’s needs are met, as I didn’t want to go through a huge upset. But now that’s happened. It doesn’t feel like I have anyone looking out for me at the moment, I feel like I’m in a very vulnerable position after just having DC2.

It all sounds very toxic. I’d decline the invite and go and do something else that day as a family that you’ll enjoy instead.

How much of that is a loss given she sounds like a classic narcissist?

You need to do whatever is in the best interests of your children. By the sound of it that will be your DH staying at home with at least one of them. Your sister should understand that you have to put their needs before hers.

Well done your DH in being the only person to stand up to your spoilt, golden child, selfish sister.

The problem here is your DSis and her enablers.

I would definitely choose not to bring DC but as my sister says she’ll never get over it then I feel I must.

Your sister is being a brat. And an over dramatic one at that. She'll never get over it? Come on.

Stand up and be counted OP! Maybe for the first time in your family dynamic? Well done to your DH for not taking the shit from your sister.

You do what is best for your children. Not your sister. Your kids are your priority.

Frankly you need to prioritise your child and yourself having just had a baby. Your sister is only prioritising herself so she can just fuck right off. I’d say it seems clear you don’t really want us there as you aren’t interested in how dc would cope or how I’m managing having just had a baby, so I wish you well and hope you both have a lovely day. Bye.

let this be the first day of your life where your sister doesn’t get to make you all miserable. Stick with your dh, he sounds like a keeper.

You can look out for you by ignoring this huge wedding drama and putting yourself, your dc and dh first.

You enjoy your newborn baby and ignore this nonsense - tell your sister to let you know what she decides, you are coming alone and happy to see her married and then step away and let her lose it if she wants but I wouldn’t be listening.

This sister of yours couldn’t care less about you op, and you are allowing her to walk all over you.

Stop pandering to this pathetic woman.

I believe it means that my relationship with her won’t be the same.

Given that you've said "I don’t remember ever going against her wishes", that doesn't sound like a bad thing tbh.