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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel he should/could have stepped up?

482 replies

MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 14:46

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/01/2024 14:50

Did you need to take DC age 1 with you to hospital? If you'd left him with DH he would have had to step up and you would have had less to feel resentful about.

I would suggest you now need at least a couple of days of not being able to get out of bed (probably because you've not been resting properly) so he will have to step up

Lovingitallnow · 15/01/2024 14:50

He needs to take himself to a&e if he can't spend 5 mins on the phone to an ambulance for his convulsing 4 year old.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/01/2024 14:52

Christ I'd have to be on deaths door to behave like that OP. Shocking.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 14:53

@Whataretheodds paramedics insisted the 1 year old come with us - as he had high temp too, though my worry is that they took one look at DH with his eyes closed on the sofa wrapped in a blanket not talking to anyone - and thought 1 year old might not be looked after. but probably just precaution because of the temp. i do think he would have stepped if he HAD to. I don't think he would put them at risk. But if I'm in the house - he will always avoid it.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 14:54

It's difficult to say how someone is feeling, but if this is a pattern and you all had the same illness (which you probably did) then his inaction was pretty appalling.

Having said that, I was ill over Christmas with some sort of fluey virus and if someone had put £1000 in a box at the end of the garden and told me I could go and keep it, I would have just stayed in bed, I felt that ill. But then, if DS were ill or injured I know I would have pulled my big girl pants up and gone to deal with it.

So yes, crappy and disappointing response from your DP

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2024 14:54

Good to follow the paramedic advice.

if I'm in the house - he will always avoid it. one to address when you're all feeling better. But in the meantime it definitely sounds like you need some bed rest. YANBU to be disappointed.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/01/2024 14:57

Whatever about the day to day niggles and bickering about who does lunch bag, dishes etc if their father didn't step up in this situation he would be gone.

Motomum23 · 15/01/2024 15:02

Tbh I am beyond disgusted to read this. I would have to be hospitalised to not respond to my child having convulsions. He couldn't even be bothered to talk on the phone. Its just heartbreaking to hear that someone can be so disinterested.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 15:04

that's the thing - when whole family is ill - we can't know how each other are feeling. i feel like shit but have had to look after kids. he says he's not capable of doing that as he feels worse than me - fine, he's been in bed, i've been the one up.

but i just thought in that situation - i wanted him to either talk to the 999 person OR take the 1 year old out the room so he didn't witness the seizure. he didn't do either of those things. he did say last night that he will get up today so i can have 'my day in bed' but he now says he feel rough again and i'm up with the kids and he's on his phoen in bed.

OP posts:
Flatpackedboxes · 15/01/2024 15:05

He's not a partner or a father. It doesn't matter if you can't even walk due to being so ill, if your kids need you, you drag yourself to then.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 15/01/2024 15:08

I don’t think I could forget that. Ever.

I feel sad and disgusted at your post.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 15:08

@Motomum23 he wouldn't say he was 'disinterested' - he said he was too faint, too ill, 'can't handle it' - he was like heavy breathing on the sofa, groaning.

paramedics ignored him. it reminded me a bit when husbands start demanding attention when their wife is in labour. there are moments surely when you HAVE to put your own illness or ailments to the side??

I just find it hard to respect someone who "can't handle it" when their kid is convulsing on the floor, their wife is trying to shout out the postcode on the phone over tears from the one year old, and his response is to shut his eyes.

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 15/01/2024 15:09

I can’t believe he stayed under a blanket while the paramedics were in the room. Mortifying. They obviously didn’t think he was that ill or they’d have suggested treating him too.

Snowydaysfaraway · 15/01/2024 15:14

He isn't a fit df is he? Or a dh at all. Maybe more of a millstone?
Similarly when my 2 youngest got croup many years ago dh refused to help as he had work. I slept on the hospital floor on a blanket bf a baby whilst toddler ds had a cot...
After all dh had to work.
Divorced many years now and dc went nc at teen years...

Mitherations · 15/01/2024 15:14

it reminded me a bit when husbands start demanding attention when their wife is in labour.

Bingo.

Any man who would lie back while their child was convulsing and choking on their own vomit and let you handle it is no partner.

ilovepuppies2019 · 15/01/2024 15:15

This is disgusting. If you can't put every ounce of strength into caring for your convulsing 4 year old then when will you? I can't imagine a more terrifying situation or one where I would expect a father to step up more. Of course you needed and should have had his support. Being extremely ill is absolutely no excuse. He would have needed to be unconscious for me to accept that he could not help. I have never been so ill at any point in my life that I would not have been able to pick up the 1 year old and being them back to bed to be held and comforted. If he needed to crawl on his hands and knees or stop to vomit then that's what he did. I would have.

Not being willing (because it is unwillingness, not inability) to drag himself to help his convulsing child makes him a crappy parent and human being to me. I would lose all respect for him OP. I don't think I could ever look at him the same way.

willowtree66 · 15/01/2024 15:15

Paramedic here. I would have given him a roasting for not getting off the sofa and doing something to comfort your 1 year old. Makes my blood boil 😡

2mummies1baby · 15/01/2024 15:16

My wife is pathetic when she is ill- however, when both of us and our 3 month old all had Covid and the baby spiked a horrendously high temperature, she drove us to a&e at 11pm and stayed awake all night. Prior to that, she'd been in bed for 2 days straight.

Being a parent means having to cope with whatever life throws at you, no matter how awful you feel. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself. I couldn't forgive that kind of parenting failure if I were you.

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2024 15:18

@MoaningMartyr switch the WiFi off and hide his charger.

Excited101 · 15/01/2024 15:19

I don’t think I could ever forgive that. And I don’t say that lightly.

tattygrl · 15/01/2024 15:22

I think that's unforgivable. A convulsing 4 year old? That could have been a life or death situation. You handled it very well, OP. I'm flabbergasted to be honest at his behaviour, and how his instincts allowed him to stay passive lying on a sofa while his four year old child was actively having a seizure.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 15/01/2024 15:25

I'm really sorry @MoaningMartyr but I totally agree with pp who say they couldn't forgive his behaviour. I couldn't forgive my partner if he behaved the way he did. It smacks of him not caring at all for anyone but himself. I bet the paramedics were gobsmacked by his response to his children.

I'd boot him out.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 15:30

so he called 999 and then threw the phone at me saying 'i can't handle this' and then was groaning and moanign on the sofa. he would say it's because he cares so much he wasn't able to cope because it was too upsetting and he was too ill to respond. i shouted at him to take 1 year off and he said 'i can't fucking stand up right now'. So i took one year old in my arms. then paramedics turned up. he talked to them for a bit to explain how awful HE has been feeling at one point.

we were in hospital until 10pm and a friend came got our car and picked the three of us up - saying 'i couldn't let you get a cab with 2 kids in the middle of the night'. DH still in bed saying he couldn't drive. i don't know - it's impossible to argue with because he just says 'you have no idea how awful i feel' but today he has said he 'may well go back to the office tomorrow'. WTFFFFF.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 15/01/2024 15:34

I presume he was in a coma?
Because I can't think of anything else that would've stopped a parent helping their child

Going back to work tomorrow?
Fuck off... if hes fit enough to go to work tomorrow, he was certainly fit enough to deal with his poorly wife and children

He should be absolutely ashamed of himself

Sparklfairy · 15/01/2024 15:34

MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 15:30

so he called 999 and then threw the phone at me saying 'i can't handle this' and then was groaning and moanign on the sofa. he would say it's because he cares so much he wasn't able to cope because it was too upsetting and he was too ill to respond. i shouted at him to take 1 year off and he said 'i can't fucking stand up right now'. So i took one year old in my arms. then paramedics turned up. he talked to them for a bit to explain how awful HE has been feeling at one point.

we were in hospital until 10pm and a friend came got our car and picked the three of us up - saying 'i couldn't let you get a cab with 2 kids in the middle of the night'. DH still in bed saying he couldn't drive. i don't know - it's impossible to argue with because he just says 'you have no idea how awful i feel' but today he has said he 'may well go back to the office tomorrow'. WTFFFFF.

My DM used to say this to me when I was practicing strategic incompetence as a teen but I think it's relevant here too: "What would you do if I wasn't here?"

I wonder what he would have done if you'd been away, or god forbid, already in hospital? If he was parenting on his own, ill and with a child having a seizure... what exactly would he have done? Shrugged and had a lie down saying he 'can't deal'?

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