To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

@MoaningMartyr sounds like you're looking for reasons to avoid making a big scary change even though you know it will almost certainly be for the better.

Imagine how your life could look a year from now. What is your 2025 self telling you?

I sincerely believe that your children's lives would be better and their future happier if you split from your partner. Maybe they'll go through phases of being angry at you, but their long term wellbeing surely outweighs this? Your goal is to keep your children physically and emotionally safe, not just in the short run but for years to come. Keep this at the forefront and I believe you will make the right choices for them.

Ok....honest answer.

Sometimes, for a while Disney Dad is preferred. Because Disney Dad doesnt make them do their homework or do their chores or have a bath or whatever. Disney Dad says yes to everything, will buy anything they ask for, take them anywhere they want to go.......

But, its never as simple as that because the moods will not change, the sulking will not change, the slagging off of you will not stop. They will realise that these treats come at a cost. They have to behave as he wants them to, they have to play the part that he has assigned them, and as they get older that will not happen. They will have their own feelings, their own choices and they will see that the only person that they can rely on to truly be there for them and love them is you. His love comes with strings, with terms and conditions that they will often not even know they are breaking until they have broken them. Those are the kids who will happily take his cash at Xmas and birthdays but dont actually want to spend any time with him.

The above happens far more often that total alienation, usually alienation happens when the kids have lived with the poison for too long. They are used to appeasing, agreeing with Dad to avoid annoying him to the point where they utterly believe his narrative that Mum is a selfish lazy cow who doesnt love them as much as he does and think that that is normal. The way to stop it is to get out quickly before his rot infects them.

I think the Mumsnet rabbit hole you are in has lots of women who are having problems that aren’t nice. Fair enough, it’s what Mumsnet is here to be and is good at it.

But perhaps this is a moment for you to look at what isn’t as easy to see - all the mums who are not posting because life is working for them. And there are loads of women like that. These lives may not be as envisaged and are not without their bumps but they are working. You just don’t see it because there is no one waving that flag.

You can do this.

This is very true.

Think of mumsnet as you would Tripadvisor.

Bear with me!!

You are looking to go to a certain place on holiday so you go on to TA to look for hotels. Except that every single one you look at has these awful reviews about bad food, dirty rooms, poor service ... you name it.

So you think "Well this whole resort is a shit hole, lets look somewhere else" and the next place you look at has the same problems. So you start to think that every holiday you could go on will end up with you surviving in squalor with food poisoning.

But then common sense kicks in, and you realise that people generally only bother to give reviews when things have been shit. There are some people who give good reviews but generally when things are as expected, they dont bother. You only get good reviews when things really are above and beyond what one could reasonably expect.

Thats mumsnet. How many posts do you read that say "Today was the same as usual, got the kids to school on time and work was good, had a laugh with my colleagues about last nights TV. Had a nice dinner and relaxed in front of the TV after the kids went to bed without a murmur. Shame that the washer is knackered, but hopefully will get something affordable on payday.???"......NEVER! Because thats what we expect. We post when things are shit, when we need help. As @TheSandgroper says, for every poster who is struggling in the way you fear, there are thousands who aren't. Like me for whom, despite there being hard times, every single day is better than they were when I was with my abusive ex.

I'd expect more from a neighbour who heard me and the 1yr old screaming tbh, he is dreadful.

Thank you - yes, that makes a lot of sense. And I do agree that of course all the stories of family courts/alienation/losing kids etc is going to be the worst cases. it's uncertain isn't it - uncertain of how he will react, where DC will live, how they'll manage, how family will respond, will H get a new partner and DC will have to live with a new person - a lot of uncertainity and unknown and it feels scary. but someone said 'not deciding is deciding' and that has really stuck with me - doing nothing is deciding that this is my and my kids life & that is not great for any of us. thank you. i will get there. i will.

I know you will.

@MoaningMartyr

Taking action and making changes in your life, even though the end result will be more positive and happier is still mentally hard. The fear of taking the first step, and continuing each step forward, makes it hard to stay motivated. If/whenever you may feel like this, come back to this thread, "listen" to us and your own awakened awareness, and know that we are all beside you, willing you on. 🌹

Just wanted to share an exchange today between two colleagues (both male, btw) which made me think of you…

A: How come D didn’t answer his email all week?
B: He’s got man flu
A: Poor thing, it sucks having to soldier on when barely able to stand because you’ve got caring responsibilities…
B: No, that’s woman flu. Man flu is where you sneeze once and take yourself off to bed for a week.

B is a doctor btw…

You can do better.

In addition to the wonderful and wise responses you've already had, OP, I want to remind you that you cannot fully control the outcome, the future, what your children will one day think, etc. We can't control or know the future like that. That's part of parenting, too, isn't it? Making the very best decisions possible with what's in front of you. That's what you're facing here. You cannot know that your children will never "side with" their dad, but what you do absolutely know is that the home right now is toxic, abusive, and an damaging place for you and the children. That is a fact. All you can do is make the very best decision you can, right now, with the facts available to you.

I think it is highly, highly unlikely that your children will resent you for the divorce. It's really not as commonplace as it seems. Most people whose parents divorced get to adulthood with a mature understanding of why it happened. My parents divorced, and while it caused sadness and difficulties, I don't resent either of them. In fact, I consider it a very valuable lesson in making difficult but necessary decisions, and looking after oneself.

You can do it, OP. You need to get you and the kids out of there.

I agree with this, and you'll see from my posting history I always fall heavily on the side of 'divorce is not a problem-free solution' and asking people to consider the impact on their kids (as a child of a messy divorce and subsequent difficult blended family).

This is not a situation where you can work or reason or compromise your way to a better relationship. He will accept nothing less than total capitulation. He is a selfish, manipulative waste of skin. You cannot work with this. You cannot turn this sow's ear into even a passable purse.

Yes divorce will be hard on your kids (and I daresay he'll do all he can to make it harder). But living your life with him will break your spirit and make you a worse person and a worse mother. Living with him will make them absorb that the only way to have peace in the home is to people please and walk on eggshells. And they'll start treating you like shit too, as they watch him do it and you let him.

All you can do is be mindful of them, try and make it as easy as possible, and always always put them first. But part of that is protecting yourself, so you can protect them.

PM’d you @MoaningMartyr

OP, years ago, in an extremely stressful time at work, and also struggling to supporting my elderly parent, I was living on nervous energy and going from task to task on, once again, unpaid overtime. One of my colleagues said to me "deal with the crocodile nearest the boat".

During periods of intense stress I often do forget this but it always comes back to me and allows me to mentally take a step back and focus on the most important or urgent things first rather than try and fight on every front at once.
What can I do now to reduce my stress but also deliver what I need to do when I need to do it? What can I realistically plan for the future so that when that challenge arises I can deal with it?

I won't say I always succeed (I am after all a regular human and not Wonder Woman - sadly - but remembering that advice does help me take a breath and a mental step back so I can move forward without panicking. Good luck. 🌹

That's great advice @Newestname002

D.I.V.O.R.C.E H.I.M A.S.A.P

Hi OP
Just checking in, as I was thinking of your thread today after reading another which reminded me of your situation. Just wondering how you are. Hope you are doing ok.

Yes, also hoping you have sorted or in the process of sorting this sorry situation.

Hi @frequentlyfrazzled @Morningcrows been reading back this thread and made me feel v sad. Lots has happened yet still in same place. Discussed splitting with H and he agreed. Rings taken off. Separate rooms. I have a solicitor and he started looking at rented places. Then he started talking a lot about how to settle our DC into their future new families, explaining that he will certainly be keen to marry again and would have no issue with marrying a woman with her own children. I found that v difficult, not my own jealously but he basically said he would introduce DC to "whoever he liked whenever he liked". We ended up in therapy but wasnt working. He cried a lot in therapy and the therpaist felt v sorry for him. We are now in a limbo state. He's put his ring back on and is being affectionate again.

I hope you are continuing with the divorce proceedings regardless of his attempts to be "affectionate"?

We are now in a limbo state. He's put his ring back on and is being affectionate again.

But what do YOU want to do @MoaningMartyr ? If you have decided to separate/divorce, and that's what you want, then him apparently* changing his mind now has no bearing on that. His being keen to remarry a woman who possibly has children and you being powerless on when and how he introduces her to your LOs (which is what he is basically saying) sounds like more emotional manipulation to me.

*I suspect he never intended to go along with it and was always planning to wriggle out of the separation.

Oh this is so manipulative. He's eager to marry a women with children so that she'll do the childcare and he can sit back and be just as useless as he is now. Please see this manipulation for what it is. He's presenting you with something he knew would make you fearful to try and stop you leaving him because he's a shit father and husband. That's awful behaviour. It's completely theoretical. He hasn't met this mythical women surely or he wouldn't be being affectionate to you. This women is also going to have to want him - most women with kids are pretty careful about getting together with a useless man so it won't be as quick and easy as he thinks. Your kids know that Mum is the parent that's there for them and Dad's a bit useless. It won't matter who he brings into their lives - they won't EVER come near you and what you mean for your kids. Just shrug your shoulders and let him bring women into their lives. When they're young, they'll all just be friends from their perspective. When he's a crap father, they'll ditch him and the kids won't get attached. It sounds like he'll only want them on the weekends anyway so these mythical people will never become family. Don't let this manipulation win. He's happy and affectionate because he's gotten you to back down and know he knows what will scare you. Ask yourself, is the thought of mythical future people in your children's life MORE SCARY than actually having a useless father and role model? Because they have that outcome now. I doubt that there's anyone he could bring in who would be more scary than this.

He's put his ring back on because he's assumed this manipulation technique has worked. He hasn't even checked it has. Bit of an insult really.

Has it worked?

Let him find a new appliance. At least you won't be his used and abused appliance anymore. Love on the children all you can when they are with you.

He has done this to manipulate you as it is easier to keep you than go shopping. It appears to have worked. There is so much more to life than this horrible man. Don't let him use the children to get to you.

Separate therapy (by which I really mean, therapy for you - I don't give a shit whether he gets any or not) could be very helpful right now, OP. As you mentioned, joint therapy resulted in him conveniently showing emotion and vulnerability at just the right circumstances to get sympathy. Sending strength. You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by leaving him, and his hurtful, manipulative comments around meeting another woman just prove that.