To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

They were both taken in because of their temperatures.

The reason he's talking about going back to work is because he's frightened of having to do any childcare. Clearly work is easier for him and he can tell them all about how ill he was without even mentioning how ill your children were.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him for this. I wouldn't even be able to look at him. You don't need to do anything right now but I do think you need to be aware that you and your children deserve so much more than this.

He sounds utterly pathetic and I would find it very hard ( in fact impossible) to demonstrate any care or commitment to him going forward. It would be a death knell for the relationship

what a pathetic excuse for a man and a father.

Wow! Now you definitely know who he is.

Thanks. OP and at least one other poster have answered this already.

... my first thought was that one child will miss out of having a parent to comfort them in hospital...

Words fail me at such ignorance.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. This goes up there with one of those posts I’ll never forget. I would never, ever forgive my husband for not being absolutely frantic at my child having a seizure. The ick isn’t a strong enough term. It’d be over for me in that short scenario.

Me too op. I would actually leave over this. I can't believe this is what he does. How is your dc feeling now?

This is so sad to read and I’m sending you a massive hug.

As a parent I would push my child out of the path of a car and be hit myself to protect them…… as I thought any parent would

i font think your partner would.

please put yourself and them first. You deserve so much more than him

There is no way he could know he felt worse than you did. He just said he did. What a no effort plonker.

I think this post is the most sad/worst example of a truly horrific man. I am so upset for you. I told my husband about what happened with you and your kids and he was horrified. We both hope you find a way to leave this waste of space in his bed and go out into the world and live your lives without him in it. Your world will be a better place for the loss of him. You can do single parent. You are single parent. Best wishes to you.

How are you and the children feeling today @MoaningMartyr?

Agree, one of the worst things I have ever read. It doesn’t matter how bad he was feeling, if he was able to talk (which he clearly was) then he should have stepped up. I can’t actually believe he thinks this is acceptable. I would never ever get over this or trust him again. It’s repulsive.

He's gone to work this morning. I'm at home with the kids

We haven't talked about it. I don't think he thinks it's a big deal. Except he did correct me as i had said to paramedic Dh must be having a panic attack to explain him being under a blanket ignoring everyone and he corrected me later saying that made him sound pathetic and he was feeling 'faint and unwell'.

If we do talk about it he will get v angry and say he was extremely unwell and I was managing it all anyway. And it's just like me to make someone feel guilty and awful for being ill. And he will shout and storm about and then sulk.

Ha. Sorry, I know it's not funny but a vague sounding 'faint and unwell' sounds far more pathetic than a panic attack!

I'm sure you know it but the dramatic storming about and sulking reaction is just so you avoid pulling him up on his behaviour. After this incident I'm not sure I could be bothered with it either, but I would be setting about making plans to leave him. I do hope you're okay.

If he's at work today then he wasn't that ill. My first thought is Liar, Liar, pants on fire.

Look up DARVO as he is doing that to you, and it's used by abusive manipulative people. Please find a way to leave, he's going to ruin all three of you.

@MoaningMartyr - sorry you've been through this. Only you can decide what the best long term plan for you is, but in the short term, I would recommend getting very unwell, faint, and unable to cope at the weekend, and spending a few days in bed. A/ You absolitely deserve it, and B/ The more he steps up, the more he will realise he can actually do it.

Ugh get rid of him, I bet he just went to work to "get away" from the sick kids

He is beyond pathetic. You and your kids deserve so much better.

If I stay I have to accept he cannot be relied on - for big or small stuff. I don't love him I don't think. I used to. But if I imagine him with someone else, I don't feel sad at all, I feel relieved it's not me. I guess I've had these feelings for some time but the weekend may be the final straw and seeing the strength of feeling and disgust from the messages here. Its clear my standards are below the floor!

I've emailed a couple of solicitors. And started to scribble down the finances. The fall out is going to be huge if I do this. Feels terrifying.

If you stay you have to accept that his behaviour is manipulative and damaging at least, and that you will be living a half life with him being told that night is day.

Good on you, slowly gather what you need, until your ready to make your move. It doesn't have to be immediately, but just making your decision and setting your sails will give you strength. It does feel terrifying, it is not what anyone wants, but I'd say that this is one of the situations that Divorce was made for.

It may seem scary to leave but once you do your life is going to change for the better.

you will have one less “child” to look after and one day in the future (if you want to) you could find someone who appreciates you and is an amazing catch!

If you are stay you are showing your children that your partners behaviour is ok and could lead them to have dysfunctional relationships in the future.

be brave.

I’d have rung an ambulance for him aswell if he couldn’t handle one 999 call. Either he needs to be in hospital himself or I think I’d consider divorce. I don’t think I could forgive such poor parenting and partner-ing behaviour.

Believe me, even if the fallout is huge, you will feel better freeing yourself of that waste of space. I upended my whole life because of my ex husband being a lazy selfish prick, and it was worth the temporary upheaval to be free of him.