To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

You can't change him, only he can do that (and if he won't prioritise his children over himself in a life/death situation then he is an abusive prick who has no moral compulsion to ever do so).

You can choose a better life and a safer home for you and your dc though, one where everyone is on the same team. This is as bad as it gets. What worse would he have to do to encourage you to pack his bags, leave them on the doorstep and lock the door?

Poor you, poor dc, let this be a new chapter.

OP, you say he wouldn't risk them being harmed, but you just described him doing exactly that. He risked help not coming because he didn't come immediately when you shouted, the ambulance not being able to find you because the post code couldn't be heard, your 1 year old being traumatised, and delay in treatment while he complained to the paramedics.

I'd write an email or message to him detailing your feelings about it, if for no other reason than to have it in writing for when you leave.

Of course it's him, the question is - can you deal with that utter lack of support till the kids are grown & moved out?

For all intents & purposes you're already doing it on your own, what would the material difference be if he wasn't there?

For me, that behaviour when my (our!) child was desperately in need, would be unforgivable. DH has a habit of needing to stay in bed when he's ill, a luxury not afforded to me, but he'd absolutely step up if he were needed, there's just no doubt.

The comment about going back to the office the next day would have absolutely sent me, I'm afraid. No way someone was so ill to ignore what happened that a day later they are well enough to work.

Edited to add - I'm the functionally useless & disorganised one in my marriage & hubby is pants in a panic whereas I'm not (panic later) thought you'd not use the term Red Flag for either of us. Neither of us would let the other down though & not ever our kids when in need (and all of them have REALLY tested that!)

What have I just read 😮

OP take your children and leave. There is no way of moving past that. I would absolutely despise him after that.

Oh my god. The hatred I feel for your husband is unreal. I couldn’t forgive that behaviour ever! I would be finding ways to make him ill. Cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush etc. Then I would leave with the kids to get away from his pathetic arse.

The thing is - everybody feels like they can't cope in a situation like that. But as parents, we have to do right by our DC and the overwhelming majority of us will drag ourselves by our fingernails. He can't just opt out. What if you also 'opted out'? Despicable behaviour.

What does he actually add?

Would he really expect you to lay in bed as well and ignore the children to prove how ill you are?

I could never forgive this. It would be the end.

I'm honestly lost for words.

You’re right, this is him - don’t try to change him because you’ll be wasting your time and energy. He’s shown you exactly who he is so take note and decide if you can put up with a lifetime of this.

Time to put him in the bin.

I have been on mumsnet years and I'm so sorry op but this is genuinely the most shocking thing I've ever read.

That he didn't even care enough to take the baby away from witnessing their sibling and mother in that situation or feel enough love or human decency towards you all is honestly horrible and disgusting.

Strangers would have leapt in to help if this was out of your home but someone who is meant to loves you all wouldn't.

They were concerned with the temperatures of both children

Be honest.

You don't really need him - he's bringing bugger all to the table. In fact, probably making it worse. And it's not going to get any better.

As soon as you're well, go and get some GOOD legal advice

I honestly - and I don’t say this lightly - would divorce him for this.

He’d be out of the house right now with my foot up his arse and his clothes following in a bin bag. What an absolute, ABSOLUTE bastard he is.

I'm so sorry OP. You must have been terrified.

A pathetic excuse for a man. I would have to be unconscious before I didn't look after my family in that circumstance.

To add, although hopefully you have enough here already to believe and know that your feelings are justified, your children are watching they eat he interacts with you, and with them, and taking it all on board.

I know you feel he's be useless at looking after them alone but Jesus woman, save yourself. They will see you looking after yourself and them with respect, rather than this ridiculous farce in a dressing gown teaching them god knows what about how to human and you complying by his side.

Genuinely one of the most shocking threads I've ever read on here! Divorce this uncaring horrific piece of shit.

So you earn the most money and take care of the dc mostly, what are his responsibilities? What does he actually bring to the table?

As a single parent, I don't often say this but you're basically a single parent with 3 children already. Leave him and then you'll only have 2 children to look after!

I would never flippantly suggest ending a marriage but in this case I would seriously urge you to consider all your options.

This man is so selfish, so utterly devoid of the ability to act in a crisis that he will never put you and the children first - and you absolutely deserve that.

I am sorry he has let you down so badly. It isn’t your responsibility to change him or teach him to be a better parent and a committed partner.

I wish you and your children the very best of luck in the future. They clearly have a wonderful mum who will put them first always. You deserve the same in a husband.

@MoaningMartyr but he did put at least one at risk!!! what if the other child had started fitting while you were distracted by the first child who was already fitting?? he is lying on the sofa with his eyes closed????? wt actual f does he think he is???? he is meant to be a loving parent and husband and I dont see any love coming from him for anyone but his selfish lazy ass!!!

If you weren't there he would have had to step up .

@MoaningMartyr I have no DC by choice, but I still know that when your DC is that unwell it is an emergency and you have to put their welfare before your own. Your DH is a disgrace, trying to lay it on thick for the paramedics whilst his DC has a seizure. When you've got your strength back a bit, please find time to tell him what a poor, poor excuse for a DF he is, preferably just before you up and leave

Your dh is an absolute disgrace and his behaviour was abhorrent. Parents have to push on through for the sake of their kids. You manage it so that twat thinks he doesn’t have to. I’m honestly appalled at his selfish behaviour.

You poor thing, you deserve so much more and so do your dc.

Get rid of him, OP. Even if you were minded to forgive him (and I, personally, wouldn't), you will think of what happened every single time you look at him and will have absolutely no respect for him going forward. You also know that you can't trust him.
Does he not even feel embarrassment that the friend who came to pick you and the children up from hospital will now know what a useless waste of space he is? She may even have told the rest of your friends too.

This is the type of husband that when you leave him he would be utterly shocked as he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong 🙄