To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Jesus, OP, your 'D'H is a total dickhead. Don't let him get away with gaslighting you with bullshit like you don't know how bad he was feeling. When your very young child is fitting on the floor and your baby is sick and terrified, you bloody well step up. Too sick to talk to the 999 operator my arse.

FWIW, my ex was like this. (But is annoyingly absolutely brilliant at hiding it in public, so he looks like the most amazing dad on earth.) You really do need to think about what sort of future you want. It may be that you wait for the 1 year old to get a bit older before you leave (I did), but pandering to the whims of a man child will eventually suck the life out of you.

What a disgusting worm of a man 🤮

Get him up now. He needs to be making drinks and looking after children while you have a break. He figures that he's off to work tomorrow as he's feeling better and as we all know work is actually easier than staying at home with children, poorly or not. Hope you're all feeling better soon x

OP I’m so sorry your DH behaved like this. I couldn’t be with someone who essentially abandoned me in a time of crisis - that’s what this was. How pathetic he is.

I’d be raging OP.

I doubt you'll ever get that out of your mind now.

He didn't put himself out, let alone into harms way, for his kids. What else won't he be able to do when they absolutely need him to adult for them?

And you? How very little he thinks of you with his competitive illness crap.

I'm not sure I could eve look at him again without wanting to spit.

I hope you and the kids feel better soon and that you find a way through this to a less 'let down' life.

I think it’s the “can’t handle this“ comment that feels the worse part of this. I feel like the translation is “I don’t want to handle this” and then just didn’t handle it.

In what situations can you “handle” your child having a seizure with vomit in their mouth? Surely everyone finds this situation acutely stressful and just does it because you have to!

You did it because YOU had to.

Are you going to address this with him? Maybe send him an email that he can read when he gets to work tomorrow. I’m so angry for you.

I would be tempted to ring his work. Tell them due to dc being hospitalised he won't be in all week. Let him explain to his boss why he has left you home to cope alone...

YANBU, that’s inexcusable.

If he was at death’s door (the only reasonable excuse) the paramedics would have taken him in too. Both his children were more poorly than him and he did sweet FA when they needed him, just lay on the sofa carrying on whilst one of his kids was in a life or death situation and the other was distressed.

What does he actually add to you and your children’s life beyond a second income?

I would never, never get past this. In fact I never did get past similar with my exh - including with a child in hospital having surgery.

No one goes from unable to speak on a telephone to well enough for the office in one day.

Men continue to be fucking useless flaps of skin I see.

Wake up call for you here, OP. If he can't be depended on when your kids need him the most, he can't be depended on full stop.

I am lost for words. Your husband is beyond pathetic.

Firstly, I hope you and your children are feeling a bit better today. What a frightening time for you, I am in awe of your strength to keep going.

As for your husband, his behaviour is reprehensible. Judging by his actions I am guessing that you are a SAHM and he views the children as solely your responsibility.

This is not a loving and respectful relationship, and certainly not an equal partnership. How dare he abscond from responsibility in such a serious situation. He is a disgrace.

You need to read him the riot act and ensure he understands that he is about to lose his family. Do not hold back, and make sure he knows that when you throw him out you will not hesitate to let family and friends know the reason why.

You and your children deserve so much better.

I'd be fuming and the level of contempt I'd feel for him after that would be... probably enough to make me see the relationship (and him) in a different light.

One reason why I love my DP is because I know he's got my back, and our daughters back. No matter how poorly he felt he would have stepped up in that situation because that's what parents just have to do. The kids come first.

I'd struggle to get over that, and I'm generally quite chill.

He's a complete loser and doesn't deserve you or those lovely kids. Just shameful.

Please leave him (and give him a printout of this post when he walks out the door).

🤬 Raging on your behalf...

To prioritise himself over a seizing child and a scared child tells you everything you need to know about him.

@PoppyFleur "As for your husband, his behaviour is reprehensible. Judging by his actions I am guessing that you are a SAHM and he views the children as solely your responsibility"

No, we both work full time. I definitely care more about my career & am the main earner, look after the house bills/mortgage etc. he gets stressed out at work too and spends most of his effort dodging responsibility in that area too.

Someone earlier said 'I don't know how you don't have the ick' - I do, I really do. Worse than the ick.

I bet the paramedics thought he was a complete and utter wanker.

I feel a bit sick reading all your comments. I did probably ignore red flags when we were younger - I have always been the one who 'handles' stuff and that was fine before kids as was minor stuff, but he never stuck up for me or had much of a backbone, but i did love him. but i think now we have kids to see him still not step up is pretty upsetting. but some of these comments, are pretty stark & to the point - which is totally fair but i just think this is HIM you know, i don't think i can chagne this.

You are generally right but I did know an exception.
Flagged up a safeguarding case at the school I was working at when we found out that the 11 year old was getting her 4 little sisters (aged between 3 and 10) dinner, showering them and putting them to bed, then trying to get her homework done. Mum was 'tired/feeling ill' on the sofa/bed (Dad was away at a conference). Was furious on her behalf, she was knackered. Needless to say it didn't happen again after a couple of visits from the welfare officer. They were generally a nice family. Bit slipped up big time.

@MoaningMartyr Our DC had a seizure once, it was horrific and DH and I were both in absolute panic - it's was really awful. I can imagine how stressed and overwhelmed you were especially with a 1 year old in the mix too. There would be no going back for Me if I was in your shoes. How was he when you got Home?

Well there's never a comeback from the ick OP, so I think it's best to start making plans for the future. Sounds like you are in a far better place than him money and job wise so that's a good start. He is an absolute waste of time and space and you'd be better off without him.

Wow. My partner is a waste of space when he’s ill, but this is a whole other level. I would genuinely not be able to forgive or forget someone being so completely useless when a 4 yr old is having a seizure. Adrenalin in that situation would kick in for 99.9% of people so that they could prioritise their poorly child. What a pathetic excuse for a human your DH is.

I hope you and the children are feeling better today.

Unsurprisingly op has the ick

He should have leapt off that couch like the fucking house was on fire and dealt with the situation

On the couch? Blanket? Snivelling? Unable to deal with it? Pathetic

Imagine how your 4 yo will feel when he’s grown and you tell him that story. That says all you need to know

Your child is having a seizure and he tells you he can’t cope? That’s not normal behaviour. He really doesn’t care about any of you.
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

Ps. I would have wiped the floor with him.