To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Dear god what have I read? He's a prize winning tosspot

Pathetic, repulsive little man.

I don't think there's any coming back from that tbh OP and he needs telling that. You'll never look at him the same way again. Hope you and the kids feel better soon.

Jesus OP. I had flu (or covid, didn't test) last November. Could barely move - but as a single mum who lives in the sticks, I had no choice but to dose myself up and drive the kids to school and back - I just thanked my lucky stars they're old enough to feed themselves because honestly I had only enough energy to manage the school run, then lie on the sofa the rest of the day until the pick up time.

And your children were not much more than babies, and one was fitting, and he couldn't even talk to the ambulance.

I couldn't forgive that.

My kids dad is an absent, selfish git, who I don't talk to if I can help it due to his awful behaviour. But if he was in the country and I called for an emergency with one of our kids, I still know he would turn out for them.

I'd never be able to forget that. I bet if the sofa burst into flames he'd be able to haul his sorry arse off it then.

Novovirus when DS was an infant I crawled down corridor to check on him, vomiting as I went into a bowl. 40 mins from death with peritonitis I'd have lurched from my hospital bed. He is pathetic. Short of actually passing out this is ludicrous to read, so sorry OP, you are effectively a single parent for the big stuff.

I dont often say LTB but I would have to be dead, dead and buried, in the ground, not breathing for me to leave my child having a fit without me stepping up

passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call

What a waste of a human being your partner is. I would never be able to forgive this.

This is pretty awful. I can't imagine a parent not being distressed to see their own child having a seizure. Of course, we don't know how he was feeling but if he was well enough to talk to you, he was well enough to speak on the phone to the ambulance service when his child needed him.

we were in hospital until 10pm and a friend came got our car and picked the three of us up - saying 'i couldn't let you get a cab with 2 kids in the middle of the night'. DH still in bed saying he couldn't drive. i don't know - it's impossible to argue with because he just says 'you have no idea how awful i feel' but today he has said he 'may well go back to the office tomorrow'

He's going back to the office tomorrow after acting like he's at deaths door, to the point he couldnt comfort and help his own children?

I'd instantly lose respect for an unkind man like this. I bet the paramedics saw him as a fool and thats why they totally ignored him. Do you still fancy him OP? I just wonder, as this is so unattractive. I know I'd find him repulsive for not stepping up in such a situation. Selective laziness and incompetence

I hope you and the children are ok. But you need to face the hard fact that your man is selfish, and useless in a crisis because he wants to be.

Feels so awful…. Please tell me he has at least attempted to enable himself to function by taking regular paracetamol and ibuprofen? Or is he just unwell, letting you get on with everything and lounging in his own viral pity.

I had a husband like this OP…. Note the word had… so I’m probably not very good at being diplomatic here, but I am so angry on behalf of your and your kids x

Thank you for all your comments. I do feel furious but not even that surprised. I feel sad. I know deep down I can't rely on him. I Lost a friend to cancer and had a stillborn birth in recent years and his support was brief, impatient and never burdening himself. He finished a game on his phone before responding to me as I cried on the stairs I remember. He thinks when I cry I'm trying to manipulate him.

I feel so so desperatly sad that I need to cause so much disruption to my kids lives if I leave but how can I keep living with someone who isn't capable of really loving us? That's what it feels like sometimes

I Lost a friend to cancer and had a stillborn birth in recent years and his support was brief, impatient and never burdening himself. He finished a game on his phone before responding to me as I cried on the stairs I remember

Wow that is cold. I’m not one to say LTB but he sounds so unkind I’d be worried for the children’s and my own safety. What do you think he would have done if you weren’t there?

It is so lonely being in a relationship, but totally on your own support wise and emotionally speaking. I’ve been there.

if you decide to leave it will be challenging and difficult. But ultimately you, and therefore your kids in the long run, will be happier. The children will get used to it. To be honest mine didn’t even notice the difference because her dad was so disengaged it was like he was a lodger anyway, not her dad. My biggest motivator (aside from him being an alcoholic who in the end wasn’t just disengaged but dangerous), was that I didn’t want her to grow up thinking it was normal for a man to be completely unsupportive! It was hard at first but so much better now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But if you stay that resentment for him will build and build and that’s no good for anyone.

I promise what is to come in the future is far better than what’s been before x

Sometimes the only thing that outweighs the pain of going is the pain of staying. Your children’s lives might be disrupted but what are they really gaining from his around the clock interactions with them at the moment if he can’t even respond to their medical or emotional needs?

You can’t change him, no. He might be able to change if he understands that this was horrifically selfish of him and a marriage-ending event. You’d need to go to counselling, I’d imagine.

Does he care enough to do that?

A PP said Adrenalin in that situation would kick in for 99.9% of people so that they could prioritise their poorly child and I think that’s true. The only reason I can think of that might change that is if a person was neurodiverse and went into a kind of shutdown.

Fuck me, he's pathetic! I couldn't get over this. Also be assured, if you did split, I'd guarantee he wouldn't bother much with the kids so you wouldn't need to worry about him stepping up in an emergency if he's alone with them.

OP your latest update is incredibly sad, I'm so sorry. I can see why you don't want to believe he's so heartless but you must know, deep down, that this won't get better & he'll just add to the list of things that make him cruel.

Not giving you full support after a stillbirth? I cannot even imagine how much that hurt. I'm so so sorry

He’s just a waste of space.

Oh OP
This is heartbreaking to read. Please get this ridiculous man gone. You are everything your children need, even on your worst day. This useless pathetic lump is saddling you with more that you don’t need to be dealing with.
Please don’t continue to live like this. You are all the parent they need, you don’t need to suffer more at the limp noodled weakness of this absolute jackass. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug because this is really, really fucking shit.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with all that alone

Once you and the children are better remember this.
If he was as sick as he said he was why didn't the paramedics take him in too?

You say he wouldn't harm the children - but he deliberately put them in harm's way. He chose not to help. He chose to lie there with strangers witnessing his utter contempt for his child who was fitting, contempt for the distressed toddler and contempt for you, and He. Did. Not. Care. That's cold.

You cannot change him but you can protect your children from his disgusting behaviour. He doesn't do childcare, cleaning, cooking and his job is probably not going to be around for much longer if he behaves in a similar manner, so what does he add to yours or the children's lives? Seriously think hard about that.

What a fucking disgrace this man is.
OP, you seem so beaten down by this man. You and your children deserve so much more care and compassion than this man is prepared to provide you.
Dont worry about disrupting your children - I’d bet they won’t even notice given how disconnected he seems. Kick him out and don’t look back - imagine how much better your life will look in a year without him hanging around your neck.

More to the point....

How can you keep them living with a man who doesnt really love them and shows it?

Your child was in pieces at seeing their sibling fitting, did Daddy comfort them? No. He made it all about him.

He may not remember the exact incident but you can bet your left tit and the overall feeling of "not being important to Daddy" will stick. It almost certainly already has, there is a reason they call for you and not him, there is a reason that that they know they can rely on you.

In the short term the upheaval will be a bit wobbly, but long term you will be giving them a huge gift.

Oh OP, your updates just get worse.

I'll admit that sometimes when all of us are down with an illness, DP & I get into some competitive-unwellness, "I feel worse than you, so you do it this time" and so on- but this is in the next stratosphere.

Doubtful that he'll change at this point isn't it? Reminds me of Marge Simpson's stupid advice to Lisa- "Some women think you can't change a man, but those women are quitters!"

Christ don't put yourself & your babies through it OP.

@MoaningMartyr

I know deep down I can't rely on him. I Lost a friend to cancer and had a stillborn birth in recent years and his support was brief, impatient and never burdening himself. He finished a game on his phone before responding to me as I cried on the stairs I remember.

I read your initial post with sadness that a man would treat his partner and, worse, his children like this and my heart really sank at the phrase above.

I can't see that there's a way back from this - how could you possibly forgive him this, on top of the unsupportive person he's been up to now?

Maybe it's time to take stock of how you could manage financially without him, what benefits you might be entitled to, your childcare options (though I'm assuming you've already sorted that out, given his lack of involvement) and start getting your ducks in a row. After all, what positives does he currently add to your lives?

Hopefully you have a support network in family and friends you could open up to and take it from there. Sending you a huge virtual hug OP. You'll be better off without him. 🌹

That's appalling behaviour. Even if I were on my deathbed I would have tried to do something if one of my children were having a seizure. How are you going to forgive this? I'm not sure I can.