To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Tbh if he was so ill he couldn't handle a phone call or help whilst his child was convulsing on the floor, he should have been in hospital himself.

I don't think I'd ever be so poorly that I wouldn't have been by my child's side and ring 999 whilst they were having a fit. I think I'd have had to have passed out. It to function for a few minutes until the ambulance turned up.

Sorry op I'd have lost all respect for my dh at that point.

You had the same illness as him

You managed to care for your child in in an emergency

Your child was so sick they fitted, and your other child was very ill too

And he is the one telling the paramedics how ill HE is??

My vagina would have instantly shrivelled up at that.

He left you to deal with a terrifying medical emergency while he lay on the sofa. He is utterly pathetic

What a wet blanket of a man. It doesn’t matter how rough he was feeling, when seeing his child in that dangerous and scary situation his parental instincts/adrenaline should have taken over.

I think this is possibly the worst dh and father I’ve read about on mumsnet and that’s saying something. Disgusting, unforgivable. He’s a manipulative twat. You don’t know how bad I feel? You absolutely can argue with that. If he is so ill he can’t help his fitting 4 year old he clearly needs to be in ICU. He would be packing his bags tonight.

there is a bit of pattern of him stepping away from responsibility - he falls asleep on the sofa at the weekend for long periods, he can't take them for vaccinations, he never takes DC to birthday parties as other parents stress him out. but i really thought when DC was so ill he would step up.

i guess if i did decide to leave - i'd need a pretty good solicitor as right now don't feel confident he'd look after them. though i suspect it's more about me being in there so he doesn't need to step up, and he would if i wasn't there.

Good God what a prick. I would be on deaths door before I subjected my spouse & kids to that. He does not sound like he is on deaths door.

That's really shit of him. I'm chronically ill and a virus absolutely floors me but I'd still crawl my way out of bed if my child has a seizure as would my dh. I'd be raising merry hell with him over that and I'd be shutting down any hint that he was too sick.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a parents I'd be amazed if he wanted the dc on his own should you leave.

This....

He's in bed... on his phone, we'll he's not ill. Switch off the WiFi, hide the charger, and when he shouts to see why he can't surf tell him to get his lazy arse out of bed and stop being a whiny bitch.

He seriously ignored his own child having a seizure?? Like seriously?

I doubt he’d be looking after them when they were with him. Either he’d get his mother to do it, or find a girlfriend to look after him, and the children when they’re there.

I hope you're all feeling a bit better now OP. I am lost for words, I feel angry on your behalf. Perhaps you should investigate a future without him.

I’d never forgive my DH if he acted like this in this situation. I’m not one for shouting LTB at the drop of a hat but I would struggle to ever get past this. What sort of parent isn’t there for their children in a medical emergency.

Oh god how have you not got serious ick?

What a specimen .

Thats just so bloody awful of him. How can he not feel horribly guilty and ashamed. The least he could’ve done was take the 1 year old up to bed with him.

I’m so sorry OP, you must feel so let down!

My dh always let me down (especially at the most critical moments). I remember a couple of times when I would be vomiting from a migraine and just needed to lie down in the dark. He would suddenly be “sicker” than me and need to sleep! I would end up getting up with a sick bucket next to me while trying to rock the baby to sleep. All while he lay there snoring with no symptoms of being sick at all.

He’s an ex now and it’s so much easier relying on myself tbh!

Do you think he’d actually be interested in having them if you split up?

doesn’t sound like it to me.

That would absolutely be the end of my marriage.

He very obviously isn’t so ill that he couldn’t make a phone call.

For me this would have been one of those “something inside me died” moments that makes you actually not love someone any more. Though if he has form for this, that would have happened long ago.

He is fucking disgusting.

I couldn't look at him.

Funny how he's not too ill to be on his phone today. Lazy fucker.

I would not be able to get past this.

Thing is it’s always men/dads isn’t it. Mums are never too sick to get out of bed to deal with their babies or toddlers.

Mums basically have to be at deaths doors near needing hospital themselves and yet they will if they can still drag themselves up enough for the children.

Dads don the dressing gown of doom and stay in bed so so sick. While mum can be dragging her self on the floor cleaning her own sick wiping a toddlers bum and his still sicker 🙄

Firstly, well done for getting through what must have been a horrendous few days for you. You deserve ten gold medals and a thousand cups of tea, OP.

Secondly, desperate though it was the situation still would have been easier without him there. That’s your bottom line.

I would take my children and divorce his sorry arse.

YANBU at all, he's a joke and I'd be disgusted by him to be honest. If he was that bad then he should have been in hospital himself, but I can't imagine anyone, unless they were actually seriously ill bordering on unconscious, who wouldn't or couldn't pull themselves together to handle a phone call to 999 on behalf of their own child. I've got a badly broken ankle at the moment and I'm at home alone all day and you just have to get on with shit the best you can - I've walked the dog while having a migraine a few times because there's been nobody else to do it and that's nothing like as serious a situation as a child requiring an ambulance.
That would be it for me -I know that's a big thing to say, but I couldn't imagine being with a bloke who would behave that way, I'd have the instant and total ick for life. Good luck OP.

I'm so furious for you. Yadnbu and I don't think I'd be able to trust or respect him ever again after that

I hate the flawed "logic" that he must be sicker than you because he's the bed.

But you aren't any less sick (prob worse tbh) just that if you aren't up looking after the kids then who the hell is ?

It's not that you are well enough just that you have no choice, but from his perspective you must be better BECAUSE you are u and helping.

Note : it called being a parent 😤