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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel he should/could have stepped up?

482 replies

MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 14:46

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 28/05/2024 16:35

I like how he genuinely seems to think he's a catch and he's going to have a line of women ready and willing to become his latest domestic appliance.

Don't let him use your children to manipulate you into not proceeding with divorce, that is awful for both you and them. If he wants to be that guy, he can, but you don't have to join in with the silly game he's playing.

Stay strong, leaving is going to be so so hard, because manipulative shits like him make it hard. But once you're gone you'll feel like a 5 ton weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

itsmylife7 · 28/05/2024 17:04

Ignore his silly speeches he knows your weak spot....children.

He'll be one of those useless Dads when you split, telling everyone you won't let him see the kids to gain sympathy.

Your children are at a good age for this separation.

kittybiscuits · 28/05/2024 18:24

Once you can grasp, @MoaningMartyr ,that every single thing he does is an attempt to manipulate you, you will knuckle down and find your way out. This man is an absolutely disgusting specimen. He has NO redeeming features. There is nothing that could make up for his bone idleness and neglect around you and your children.

Check out Dr Ramani talking about vulnerable narcissists on YouTube.

Next time he says he will be introducing your tiny children to his new girlfriends, you just so 'okay' or 'noted'. He's just trying to upset and wrongfoot you. I guess you learned the hard way, what happens when you do couples therapy with a narcissist. I went there too. Twice. I have never regretted leaving for one single second. No matter what he says, this twat will not be fighting for time with your children, because he's a lazy, selfish cunt. He may threaten it, many times. Eyes wide open OP and watch the manipulation. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Finally, don't be embarrassed that you haven't left yet. You will get clarity and go. He's been brainwashing you for years.

Nicole1111 · 28/05/2024 19:23

MoaningMartyr · 28/05/2024 08:24

Hi @frequentlyfrazzled @Morningcrows been reading back this thread and made me feel v sad. Lots has happened yet still in same place. Discussed splitting with H and he agreed. Rings taken off. Separate rooms. I have a solicitor and he started looking at rented places. Then he started talking a lot about how to settle our DC into their future new families, explaining that he will certainly be keen to marry again and would have no issue with marrying a woman with her own children. I found that v difficult, not my own jealously but he basically said he would introduce DC to "whoever he liked whenever he liked". We ended up in therapy but wasnt working. He cried a lot in therapy and the therpaist felt v sorry for him. We are now in a limbo state. He's put his ring back on and is being affectionate again.

This is a blatant attempt to get you to accept his meagre offerings out of fear of him rushing in to something. Don’t let him manipulate you.

frequentlyfrazzled · 28/05/2024 23:12

You sound a bit stuck and a bit lost at the moment OP. But just try and take one day at a time, there will be bumps in the road but you will get there, in your own time. And as other PP's have said it isnt about him. You need to think about your needs, find out what you want, and what future you see for yourself and for your children. Then, at your own pace, work out how to get there. I really hope you find some clarity. Counselling for you might be a good idea to help you work through what you want and how to move forward. Sorry you are going through this.

Illpickthatup · 29/05/2024 11:22

MoaningMartyr · 28/05/2024 08:24

Hi @frequentlyfrazzled @Morningcrows been reading back this thread and made me feel v sad. Lots has happened yet still in same place. Discussed splitting with H and he agreed. Rings taken off. Separate rooms. I have a solicitor and he started looking at rented places. Then he started talking a lot about how to settle our DC into their future new families, explaining that he will certainly be keen to marry again and would have no issue with marrying a woman with her own children. I found that v difficult, not my own jealously but he basically said he would introduce DC to "whoever he liked whenever he liked". We ended up in therapy but wasnt working. He cried a lot in therapy and the therpaist felt v sorry for him. We are now in a limbo state. He's put his ring back on and is being affectionate again.

Wow! So you're not even properly separated yet and he's already thinking about his next live in maid and nanny. It just shows how much he actually cares about you when he thinks you can be so easily replaced.

FifiinLondon · 29/05/2024 11:52

Please leave him. I remember your original thread and a divorce is a brave and good decision. You will be immensely happier without him, he is ruining your life.

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