Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

I should clarify in case someone recognises me from a SAHM thread and pounces that I don't work anymore. What I meant by the success at work comment was more that in general, people's success depends on looking presentable (and mine did in the past), and therefore it's sort of an ingrained societal expectation to make yourself look at least halfway decent. Young children are blissfully free of the awareness of such expectations!

I know loads of people, couples, parents, all earning different amounts. Every single one of them is different, I couldn’t possibly group any of them together and find patterns like this.

How many people are you talking about?

@Jioyt Yes this is exactly what I mean, thank you for understanding my post!

My DC couldn't care less about clothes, and grows fast. So why bother? Cheap, second hand clothes are fine. I do spend money on travel, food, experiences. No need to feel sorry for him in his tatty but comfortable clothes!

Well I've learnt that disposable income doesn't mean what I've always used it and heard it to mean. Thanks @MasterBeth for that!

If they really value expensive clothes it might be that they also keep their own clothes for years, and that they can't bear children wrecking similarly expensive clothes!

My kids often look a total mess. They have their favourite clothes, often a bit too small, they're comfortable, they're happy, it's very low priority for me (especially as they wear their school uniform most days anyway!)

There's much more pressure on lower income parents (and really I mean lower status, but it seems inflammatory to admit we still have a thriving class system in this country) to prove that they're "coping". Parents with socially respected jobs (and these days a lot of those professions actually pay below average - I'm a teacher, I feel this!) don't feel this same pressure.

I see this a lot in the South East, it’s like a cool way of pretending to be poor.

You save money by buying good quality clothes as an adult. They last forever and they may well be secondhand or passed down from within the family. Just because they look expensive, doesn't mean that the person wearing them has spent loads of money on them.

Both DH and I are higher earners but I've bought all our baby's clothes from Vinted. Why would I go and spend lots of money when she'll grow out of them in weeks? Also I can get better quality material secondhand rather than cheap Primark or Temu stuff to make sure she's comfortable.

We've also started shopping in Asda and yes we tell our friends because they could really save a bit of money if they did that too.

This feels as if you are trying to prove to yourself that you are a better parent than them even though you have less money.

stop judging and start just being concerned with your own life.

people have different priorities, when I buy something for myself I know it will be worn for years to come and so spend a little extra. When I am buying for children I know it won’t be worn for that long so don’t spend as much.

It’s a cultural thing.

Mum prioritised buying books and theatre tickets over clothes. All our clothes were second hand or hand me down. It was about what she valued and prioritised. My parents didn’t have a large income at all and I know that people would have assumed we were better off than we were.

Try not to make assumptions about other people.

In a few years you will be back posting on how they can afford to send their children to top universities

The difference is that I'm not growing anymore (well, at least not vertically).

So spending 200 pounds on a good quality winter coat is a good investment for me, if I wear it for many years.

Whereas my kids would outgrow such a coat in a few months.

We shop at Tesco for our kids but also buy occasionally from verbaudet or jojo maman bebe. We also used Facebook Market place and Vinted before and use hand-me-downs from family and friends.

We also buy expensive clothes a few sizes bigger, so my children can wear them for more than 1 year.

Do I feel guilty about it? No, as nursery is so expensive and our budget isn't unlimited.

Completely agree with you!

Nothing wrong with second hand but children shouldn’t be in clothes that are too small, ripped or stained IMO. I guess stained is ok if they are doing messy play but personally I wouldn’t put them in stained clothes. The adults wouldn’t be wearing clothes that are too small, ripped or stained.

All of this can be brought second hand so they don’t have to spend a fortune, can also be brought new for cheap. They could shop in the sales or supermarket brands if they are against spending much money on clothes.

I sort of get what you are saying OP.

We have friends that are financially comfortable enough to have a big house, 2 fancy cars, multiple holidays (abroad and Centre Parks etc) a year but their children are often in clothes that look worn, too small or tired. The youngest had never had a new pair of shoes until they started school, they wore the eldest child’s hand me downs instead. I don’t think there is anything wrong with hand me downs but these were most definitely ill fitting and stretched out of proportion due to the eldest having a foot condition.

I most certainly wouldn’t judge people for buying cheap/secondhand clothes for children as they out grow them so quickly. However putting them in clothes that are too small or thin and worn is a pretty sad.

I only buy 2nd hand for myself and ds because it's good for the environment and I'd rather buy a bundle or eBay or Vinted . With the cost of living I couldn't justify buying new . Saying that we don't wear horrible clothes that have stains etc on it

I can see the point you're making but I think it hides a wider truth.

I think that classifying things like school fees, large mortgages, new car payments etc. as something different to "spending money" or "disposal income" then it's a way for the wealthier classes to minimise their privilege. School fees are a spending choice that you benefit from. A nice house is a spending choice that you benefit from.

You can sometimes see posts on here which are a variant of "£300k isn't that much to live on - not in London. Once you take off the mortgage, school fees, nanny, stabling costs and holidays, we don't end up with much money every month."

My kids don’t notice for now. They love getting a bag of clothes off their cousins. They always get to pick out a few new bits - and their shoes would always be new and very comfortable, waterproof and hard-wearing. They understand about being environmentally friendly as well - reuse, reduce, recycle. When we buy we try to get clothes from more ethical places. I’m sure as we get into the teenage years i will get a lot of push back.
none of this is something I would bang on about outside of my house “for praise”.

I also find it a little bit sad when I see someone admonish their child for getting their jeans dirty. Or a little girl avoiding puddle’s because they don’t want to get their shoes wet. Kids need to be comfortable & play a lot preferably outside and that is much more important than how they look.

You are assuming it's an economic consideration, rather than say an environmental consideration - or a cultural flex that these children are wealthy and so being scruffy doesn't denote poverty but a carefree bohemianism.

YABU. I personally think the ‘average income’ mum’s are being foolish. A kid isn’t going to remember whether they were in a new dress, they’ll remember if they went to Disneyworld/Alton Towers/Generally had fun experiences (whatever is in your budget) Life’s for living and making memories 🙄

This is class differences.

Upper middle classed people don't see the point in spending £££'s on kids clothes, its a waste and wealthy people hate waste.

We like to eat in upmarket restaurants, do we take our 5 year old, no! If we did, we order the most basic starter for them and give them colouring books, they wont appreciate an upmarket restaurant.

When we buy clothes for ourselves we spend a lot, because we like high quality , its lasts longer. An expensive barbour jacket can last a lifetime. A good pair of Churches shoes can last for decades, it makes financial sense!

Buying high quality clothes for rug rats who like to roll in mud is a WASTE OF MONEY.

Working class people like to mini me their children , and all power to them, but its a complete waste of money and looks very tacky IMHO , like little kids in designer clothes and made up hair, just tacky and so wrong.

I want my kids running around, getting dirty and playing in parks and the garden, why the fuck would I put them in Baby Gap for that???

My youngest is 10 now. He's still wearing non designer stuff and I'll keep it that way for as long as I can. The girls are 14 and 12 and trust me, it gets very expensive from about 11 +.
At primary, I've bought expensive stuff for it to be completely ruined with paint, glue, pee or snot. Plus they grow out of them so quickly.
For occasions, why not? but I'd stick to cheap clothes for as long as possible.

I have very few designer items though. I always shop for myself on the sale.

I work in secondary (have also in primary). You can tell cheap clothing from Asda from neglect.

What if the parent telling the girl not to jump into puddles could not afford another pair of shoes?

Wanting young kids to look smart is a class marker.

There is definitely an element of this. Maybe a bit of anxiety about not wanting to look "poor" or attract comments from peers.

OP, it's important to remember that some parents think it's more freeing for kids to wear imperfect clothes, as it makes it easier for them to run about, do slightly messy activities, spend time outdoors. I spend money on my hair because I value it and I spend money on a private secondary school because I think it's important for our particular situation re schooling. I don't care if my younger DD has clothes that have the odd mark on them; I'd rather not feel I have to spend all my time fussing and putti ng pressure on her to keep her clothes nice, not get muddy etc.

Then it's a little bit sad.