Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

Years ago I worked for a very wealthy lady who always darned, repaired, extended and then handed down all her kids' day to day clothes and school uniforms. They had fabulous holidays and private schooling with expensive extra-curricular activities. She explained to to me by saying she'd rather spend the money on one or two smart outfits, and the rest on experiences and education, because it meant that when they were out being kids and getting mucky out didn't really matter if their everyday clothes were a bit rough and ready....

Very wealthy people often don't realise others are in need (or rather, others in the immediate vicinity if that makes sense). My very wealthy friends are the ones most likely to forget to pay the bill at a restaurant before leaving, not because they're natural born thieves but because they're slightly scatty and don't feel the "weight" of owing money the way us mere mortals do. Same with my clients, the incredibly wealthy ones are the ones who will either forget to pay or will pay in advance and then wander off for a year without ever booking their service!

Utterbunkum yes this and with bells on.
I wore clothes passed from 2nd cousins to cousins (both sexes) to me, often as the 5th or 6th wearer. My mother and aunt had school skirts made from an old grey blanket because that's all they could afford. They also worked evenings and weekends in a hotel and seasonally picking tatties from the fields.
My children had lovely clothes from charity shops and ebay which I could not have bought many of new. About half were still as new when they got too small.

My mother was definitely upset about her skirts, but mostly I didn't care, and my children didn't care either, to the extent they even noticed.

I've heard it's a class thing and I understand that but it's also an outlook thing. I ate a lot of beans on toast and whichever cornflakes were cheapest that fortnight as a child. If we'd had more money clothes would definitely not have been my priority as either a child or parent. FWIW I wasn't bullied till secondary school, which was strictly uniformed.

They may be buying clothes for themselves that are second hand but good quality so that's why they look good.

I think people with less money sometimes feel pressured to keep up.

What the OP is describing is an extreme, but the opposite extreme also occurs. I used to work in an inner city school with a deprived catchment. The children were mostly immaculate in their uniforms ironed, clean, hair neatly cut or elaborately plaited, bows in hair and on socks, some parents even had frilly pinafores specially made in uniform colours.
However the parents themselves when coming to the school for a school play or assembly were a different matter. Mostly extremely unkempt, greasy hair, badly fitting jogging bottoms etc. The only smart ones were the recent immigrants.

Oh you could be describing my middle child 🤣
not exactly rich but probably classed as middle class.
but he likes what he likes and I just got with it 🤣 today he was wearing his older sisters old old peppa pig dress which wasn’t long enough for him with striped leggings one paw patrol trainer and one ninja turtle trainer with a purple had and striped scarf top off but a bright yellow coat 🙈

Our household income is over 6 figures. I buy my toddlers clothes from vinted or fb a lot of the time and many of his toys too. I see zero point spending loads when he grows so fast and stuff just gets dirty at nursery. He loves his new toys as much as his second hand ones.
He does get new clothes bought too, but I would never buy loads of designer stuff etc.
I have bought myself the odd second hand thing off vinted also, but sizing is so varied and condition not guaranteed, that it's not always cost effective.

There's a middle ground between £300 dress for a 5 yo and clothes that actually fit.

This really winds me up. If a working class parent sent their little one to school looking like a Victorian Barnardo’s vagrant child, they’d have SS knocking on their door. But if an upper-middle class parent does it, it’s just because they’re ‘quirky’ and ‘bohemian’, and it’s perfectly acceptable. Nobody says kids should be immaculate and/or dressed in designer clothes, but they really shouldn’t look like they’ve just stepped out of an NSPCC advert asking you for £5 a month either. It’s not showing much respect to your children to think that’s all they’re worth.

Menomeno · Today 18:04
very true! You’re spot on there!!

That is a really odd way to think. Nope no nicethings or treats for you 6 year old later get a job get it yourself. ????

Exactly! It doesn’t have to be a choice between children having new clothes or going on holiday and having hobbies. I only buy my kids new clothes and almost never from supermarkets, and we’re on a fairly average household income of about £60k, but we still manage to have a good standard of living, eat out at restaurants most weekends and have nice holidays, and the kids learn instruments and have sporty hobbies.

I don’t mind if the kids get their ‘nice’ clothes muddy or a hole in the knee, they’re only clothes they can be replaced.

People who have lots of money have nothing to prove. People who don’t have lots of money often feel they do.

I do find it a bit sad when people who can afford to dress their kids better don't. They might be strong enough in their values and financial morals to dress their kids in too small or washed out clothes, but that doesn't mean their kids won't suffer the embarrassment of it.
Like it or not, lots of kids do notice these things. About themselves or their peers. And kids can be cruel.
My DDs friends parents are the perfect example of this, they enjoy bragging about only buying their kids second hand stuff because of their eco morals (which funnily enough doesn't impact any other part of their lives) But their DD is really self conscious about her clothes and is always saying how upset it makes her, to my DD (who is lovely about it and always tries to make her feel better about herself) It's giving her a real complex and it pisses me off to be honest.

Okay, so it sounds like you prioritise materialistic things, which is fine.

I earn the same as you, ish. My kids wear second hand and supermarket/primark. So do I. So does my partner. We go on some holidays but not tonnes/not extravagant. However we are firing money at our mortgage left,right and centre, we are saving so as we will be able to pay both kids through further education/buy them a car at 18. We are also saving for a deposit for a property for each of them.

On your salary (and mine) it’s not possible to do both fully. I’m choosing long term planning rather than short term.

And for lots of people; there is no choice.

There are people on here almost wilfulling misinterpreting the op as well, as if there are only 2 options, wasting huge sums of money on designer clothes, or leaving children in comfortable but worn old clothes with holes and stains.

I don't buy my children designer brands etc. They arent in uncomfortable formal wear unsuitable for play. I'll use second hand things and dress them in modestly priced leggings and teeshirts.

But they are not constantly wearing noticeably stained, faded, ill fitting worn thin garments with holes because I think that's unacceptable when you can afford better. It can affect a child's self esteem and confidence in their own appearance.

I will happily spend money on nice clothes for myself, beauty treatments and jewellery whilst dressing my children in second hand. One - they have no idea it’s not new and nor do they care, and two - we spend plenty of money on them in other less tangible ways. They want for nothing but they do not appreciate clothes, fancy dinners or jewellery; they appreciate a mum who is at home a few days a week (part time is a lifestyle choice for us), lots of sports and getting regular pocket money (for chores) they can spend as they please, and a house we specifically chose because it has space for them to play in and a garden they love, as well as being within catchment for the secondary school of my eldest’s choice . All these things are luxuries we choose for our children instead of buying lots of clothes and tech for them.

The bit about their kid wants to wear something faded and nasty so the right thing to do is to let them, shows a frequent major downside of lefty middle class parenting.

It breeds malajusted kids who were never told that anything they did is not ok (because 'express their true self') so they end up pretty hopeless for most purposes as adults.

will happily spend money on nice clothes for myself, beauty treatments and jewellery whilst dressing my children in second hand. One - they have no idea it’s not new

Another wilful misinterpretation of the point. No one is saying everything has to be brand new or expensive.

But do your children regularly wear garments that are:

• too small, eg a toddlers dress repurposed as a top for a 5 year old, children in very tight trousers with the button left undone and an inch of bare ankle
• noticeably stained. Not an odd item, but many/most of their clothes
• heavily worn - such that printed pictures are disappearing, fabric has thinned and faded etc
• holey, frayed or with threads loose, cuffs unravelled etc.

There are people who have plenty of money who genuinely think its fine to dress children almost exclusively in garments as described above.

@PaperDoIIs I agree.

Im from a working class background, immigrant parents. Some might say I’m middle class as an adult but Im on quite a budget (it’s probably because I went to uni).

My daughter had a dress that was a dress when she was about 3. When she was 5 it looked like a babydoll dress as it went above her knees and she could wear tights with it. It looked fine. Some people even complimented her in it.

Nobody questioned it. Nobody could even tell it was old.

When OP talks about parents that dress their clothes in things that don’t fit, my guess is that maybe the sleeves are a little higher than the wrists and the trousers maybe above the ankle - which if you can do basic styling, actually works. And you will find these styles come in and out of fashion.

There is a big difference between clothes not fitting because a child has been abandoned. It’s a concern when “dirty” and unkept clothing is paired with an unhappy child. compared to having something that is old and maybe repaired but the child is happy and able to ply around.

I wouldn’t say I prioritise materialistic things any more than anyone else, kids clothes don’t cost that much, they’re at school most of the week so they only need a few tops and trousers for weekends and something sparkly to wear to parties. I too am overpaying my mortgage and saving for my kids future so you’re no better than I am, thank you very much.

Paying school fees is a choice.

I know what you mean op!!

When one of mine was young this other mum used to moan about her pushchair (super cheap umbrella fold) and often complimented my pram. She could of easily afforded a better one but for some reason never did.

DH grew up with his wealthy father, shoes never replaced when too small with holes. Clothes too small etc. Vowed he'd never put our own DC through that.

Fwiw I think there's a massive difference between buying cheap, second hand clothes in the correct size and simply not ensuring your child's clothes fit when you have the means to do so. One is completely acceptable and the other isn't.

Ikmow - this

It's not neglect if the clothes are clean and fit for purpose, surely?