Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

I think you're right about the judgement of your mom skills

Read all your updates now. You really hate these women and are an inverted snob / very jealous or just odd.

Large mortgages and private school fees are paid for by disposal income! They're not some tax imposed on rich people!

Do you know what disposable income is?

I have nothing to criticise in the meantime clothes are clean, fit the weather and comfy.
Actually, old clothes are great for children's play. They can get them dirty without a second thought. And it is environmentally friendly.
Good experiences and good food are much more important than new clothes, in my book.
Once their children get to a stable size, I bet you they will start investing in good, long lasting clothing.

@AyeRightYeAre Theres nothing wrong with it at all, as I’ve said before, my friends and I all swap/pass on clothes, but by the same token, I know when it’s time that my
dc does in fact need new clothes and I will go without if need be.

I’m definitely not jealous, there are reasons I wouldn’t swap my life with any of them, I do feel sorry for their kids though

This for sure. Have you never given in when your child wants to wear that favourite dress that is patently too small but because toddler clothes are loose and baggy they are still comfortable?

Plus with teenagers the girls in particular are growing a lot slower than the average younger child. There's potential for more value in buying a teen something expensive, similar to an adult. Whereas a 4 year old is only ever going to get a certain amount of wear out of something, even when used thriftily and in an environmentally conscious way like the OP is horrified by.

I think you need to get out more

I don't think I've ever given kids' clothing much thought. They play out. They get mucky. They get ripped.
I had no idea how interested in other people's lives some people are! I'm amazed how judgemental you are

Poorer people concern themselves more with the cleanliness of their homes and the clothes their children wear and the things they have as a status symbol and so they look like they are coping and can provide financially . Often telling the child not to get the clothes dirty/muddy/painter.

Richer people don't need to prove that to anyone, they aren't worried about SS turning up or what their neighbours think as they probably aren't living that close detached houses etc and everyone knows they have mo ey so it's not a sign of being poor. so children can wear their old clothes and not worry about getting dirty and scruffy. I imagine if they go out on outings and to the theatre etc then they wear nicer clothes.

Do you?
If you have a large mortgage and private school fees that money is allocated, in the same way utilities and council tax are. It's not disposable income. Does that help?

As we are the youngest in our two families, and our children were the last of the crop, we got so much second hand. All the baby stuff, bags and bags of clothes. I think the pram was fifth use. Some clothes that DD wore were third or fourth down. We are a reasonably wealthy family, and it's the norm for us, and others we know.

To be fair, our clothes are often very old too. I realised the other day, my beloved coat is 25 years old. Good quality lasts.

Seems smart to me, probably why they are wealthy 🤷🏼‍♀️ I always had hand me downs, probably until I was about 14 (I had a big family with older cousins and clothes were probably much better quality too), never did me any harm and I think it's a pity people are so wasteful now. The same people who waste money on clothes for young kids are also probably the ones who won't have the money to help them with more useful things when their children are older. I have a toddler and am shocked at the wasteful spending by other parents on unnecessary things when kids don't even know or care anyway

@MushMonster Completely agree with you, my Dds clothes are second hand from friends (some of them) She has lots of play clothes for getting dirty, I value books and experiences for *Her over new clothes, but will buy her new clothes if needed and will go without if needed

@StaringAtTheWater has a very good point about secondhand does not mean shabby. I bought a Calvin Klein dress and wore it to a wedding a few years ago, it was far from shabby.

@Dabralor you have given a perfect anecdote for my post, To him they were just clothes, he felt completely above judgement.

Something I noticed when my husband died is that before he died when we were a normal family, I didn't mind if my kids looked a bit scruffy..(Not to the extent of your friends as their clothes fit and were fine.) But after he died when we became an unfortunate family in the eyes of the school and other people, I felt like my kids couldn't be scruffy but had to be well turned out, or people would think I wasn't coping.
I think well off people don't feel scrutinised, so they can relax, whereas families considered unfortunate don't have that luxury.

Feeling sorry for the kids is your own value judgement. The kids are (presumably) in comfy clothing that they’re happy in, and the parents are in clothing they're comfortable in.
Your judgement is that’s unfair because of the disparity in spending but that’s not necessarily the assessment others (including the individuals involved) are making.

Maybe they treat their kids in other ways. My dds clothes have involved mostly hand me downs from relatives which has been ideal. They probably have looked a bit tatty at times because she is prone to insisting on wearing things she loves even when they don't fit. It's really nothing to do with me being tight. Why would I spend money on clothes when we get given them for free and my dd is happy. Also she has a fortune spent on her afterschool activities, days out, toys, bikes, holidays etc. My ds is a teen now and I'm shelling out a fortune on designer gear for him but never have done in the past. I am also saving furiously to help them through university and beyond. I work hard and if I want to get my hair done or buy am expensive jumper then I will. I also don't judge anyone for their choices with their kids, for example if they want to dress a toddler head to toe in designer gear then good on them, personally I wouldn't have because my kids trashed their clothes at that age and also grew out of them really fast.

It alright wearing them for years if they fit but not really if they don't if you can afford to replace them

I don't think you can make general judgements like that about groups of people, but the reality is everyone has different spending priorities. We are not particularly rich but I guess we're well off by the standards of many. We own a nice house in a nice area and have holidays abroad once or twice a year.

But yes, I didn't overspend on my children's clothes because they grew out of them quickly, and, due to having uniform for school, didn't need a lot at any one time. I'm also big into avoiding waste and re-using and re-cycling (not just in recent years, my mum was the same and I was brought up to value such things).

But I never let them wear tatty clothes or things that were too small. I did take friends' second hand uniform though - more eco friendly and, despite me sort of being ok with the idea of uniform, I'm not wholeheartedly into it and resented spending more than I needed to on it.

I don't pamper myself though, beyond visits to the hairdresser and a gym membership.

OP, don’t worry about buying the second hand stuff because then there won’t be anything left for properly poor people. There is so much second hand clothing in the world that it just isn’t an issue. Ship loads of it gets transported from Europe to Africa every month. Some countries like Ghana have actually started to ban or restrict second hand clothing imports because it’s been messing up their economy - no one can manufacture clothing and compete with prices from second hand shipments.

But that's the thing, op said in her original post that the children are in clothes that are blatantly too small

When my kids were pre-school they lived in second hand clothes.

Pre-school kids get dirty all the time - mud, snot, poo explosion.

My mum used to put me in smart dresses and tell me not to get them messy and so hated it. I wanted my kids to feel like they could go explore and make mud pies without having me fussing about clothes.

Also, kids grow out of toddler sized clothes before they wear out. Second hand is just sensible, surely?

I'd never go without to get my kids new clothes rather than second hand.

@Januaryisthepits are you feeling annoyed that these parents are taking time to look after themselves aswell as the children? And perhaps you aren’t?

the children don’t need expensive highlights and beauty treatments!! I’m sure the adults have parented 24/7 for years now plus working- why shouldn’t they have some enjoyment too?