Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

I think it has a lot to do with wealthier people not having to prove themselves in the same way. It’s like designer clothes on babies etc. it is far more likely that people with less money and status would spend more on toddler clothes. This is just my observation.

One example of this that sticks with me is from when I went to school in the 70s. (Mostly affluent families middle class hippish) I clearly remember some families cutting the front off their children’s shoes so that they could keep wearing the shoes when they had grown out of them. I think this would be wealthier families because they wouldn’t feel worried about judgement. A poorer family would probably be acutely aware that this looks like poverty and much less likely to do this. This is my take on it and I know I have not explained fully what I mean

Are your DC really close to theirs? Sounds like you're too incompatible with these people to keep hanging out with them.

...but is a full reality for many.
We just gave out new shoes to a girl last week as she had blisters on her feet from her shoes which were too small. :(

They dry out. I think kids shoes should be fit for purpose anyway and the purpose for kids is play.

Tacky make up isn't a preserve of the poor. I would probably rather hang around with them than with you though.

Absolutely.
But in terms of this post, my point was mainly that the op is judging things with only part of the picture. Does she know the incomes and outgoings of these families, or is she making assumptions based on what she can see? Just in the opposite way to those who judge parents if their children aren't immaculately presented.

Well, I don't know about the UK, but on our local freecycle group you can easily get very-good-condition trainers for free, or put out an ISO and get plenty of offers; useful for anything messy or dirty like jumping in puddles. Affording specific school shoes or fancy dress shoes can be a financial burden, but is it really that hard to get a basic pair of trainers for messy play these days?

OP, you've said a couple of times that you'd "go without" to make sure your child had appropriate clothes.
Don't you think most parents would? It really depends on what they think is appropriate or good enough.

For me, it was okay for my children to wear some second hand things (usually hand-me-downs from family and friends which <gulp> often got handed down again) as long as they were clean and fitted.

Maybe you're seeing a lot of children in dirty and or ragged clothes, or stuffed into overly small clothes, like sausages into too small skins, accompanied by mothers in expensive clothes and fresh from beauty treatments, but I doubt that's the norm.

Or are you just angling for someone to say you're a better mother than those mothers you see?

I think that's disgraceful actually. Children should, wherever possible, wear properly fitted shoes.

Yes you described how I raised mine, but I don't do highlights, nails etc.
It's because when you have money, there's no pressure to conform. I never bought the school jumpers, just a plain one from ASDA. My friends with less money didn't want their child to look like they couldn't afford a branded jumper.
I rarely even ironed 😂 everyone knew we lived in a big house, with a large income. They were mostly clean.
To be honest I would have done with same on a low income.

They did always have very expensive coats though, I didn't want them to be cold. Plus a coat lasts two or three years.

@OvercookedSmile a genuine question when you say you buy second hand - what does that mean?

For example, are you out in Oxfam looking through M&S/Next jumpers or doing 'work clothes hauls size 12-14' from Facebook? Or do you mean you're buying 'vintage' - like an original Barbour or 'pre-worn' Le Chameaux wellies, or 'pre-loved' Cartier?

Because there's a difference. I'm not being arsey I'm interested.

One thing I've noted from people I know who are 'super rich' is that their eye for a bargain doesn't extend to the high street. They'll buy new from Zara and similar but the bulk of their wardrobe is luxury - not necessarily 'designer' and definitely not designer with logos but it is luxury. It's cashmere, merino wool not polyester and nylon....Second hand luxury isn't the same as second hand high street though. Selfridges has it own pre-loved section for example.

The idea of wearing something for 10+yrs is doable when say your coat is a Barbour or Patagonia/Canada Goose, not so much when it's from Primark. A £500-1200 winter coat is expected to last for years, a £35 Primark coat is expected to last that season.

Again really not intending to sound uppity or anything, genuinely interested!

This is British though. I know upper class Germans, French, Italians, Spanish and Portugese families who would always dress their children in new, smart clothes and not let them be tatty.

It is a class indicator but it is a British one. Not universal.

Some kids are funny about clothes. My DD 15 is a private school and is going in at the moment in shoes which are falling apart and the sole has holes on and has come away from the shoe. I'm worried people will think we are neglecting her but I've tried and tried to persuade her to let me buy new shoes. Clarkes no longer sell that style of shoe and she will not wear an alternative style no matter how much I plead with her. She leaves in June after her GCSEs so I'm leaving her to it now.

She also has a pair of cargo trousers which she loves but have a hole in them that I patched up as best I could. She has other cargos that still have the labels on but she refuses to wear them. If the patched up ones haven't been washed and she wants to wear them she goes into a panic.

I've given up buying her nice quality clothes. She loves Primark and will often text me from there and ask if I will pay for something she wants. It's easier to let her pick out her own stuff now. She seems to live in rubb

Yes I've noticed.this..I think as people have said they are wealthy so don't worry what people think of what their kids are wearing..around us people with the least disposable income dress their kids in branded stuff/ seasonal outfits etc.

For a minute there I thought the op knew me. Then I realised I didn't have that vast wealth!

My children wear their clothes for ages. For years now I've bought 2nd hand gifts for them like bundles of Mcdonalds toys or Lego stuff (used). Only this year, at the ages of 6, that I've bought a few new items. Clothes as well, never too tight but easily the 8 year old wears jeans or tops which are 6 to 7. I don't see the point in buying a ton of stuff when they are still growing!

Seems like you have an issue with mothers spending money on themselves

why is that? Internalised misogyny perhaps? @Januaryisthepits

Personally I scavenge in charity shops or on FB groups for my youngest. Harder to get decent condition shoes/trainers for older children though plus some might not want to do that.

Are you saying your mum passed on clothes to this wealthy family your father was in business with? Wasn't clear from your post

Never noticed this myself. My daughter is 18 and hasn't grown since 12 and still has clothes from then, but none are threadbare. She knows some very wealthy youngsters and they are very well dressed indeed. I grew up in Chelsea (was more affordable in the 60s!) and always wore my older sister's hand me downs - but I think that was more the prevailing culture.

I know it’s not quite the same, but my teen/young adult DC love to wear old scruffy clothes with holes in 😆
They may be students, but one of them is fairly well off as he’s worked for 2 years and they know I will gladly buy them new clothes if needed. DS in particular gets very attached to his clothes and I’ve had to say to him on occasion (such as Xmas day w family) to wear something less holey!!
We are comfortably off - not rich - but can afford holidays/clothes/theatre etc.
I’ve often seen on here that wealthier people from ‘old money’ tend to dress their kids scruffier and drive old bangers! It’s the new monied people who go all out for designer gear!

Just something else I've not seen mentioned - fit can be very subjective. My little boy frequently wears trousers that look a bit too short for him really - because that's the only way trousers will stay up, as his waist is tiny. He doesn't care, he's comfortable and clean and his very visible socks always match. I live for the summer when he can be in shorts all the time! We're reasonably well off but I buy mainly bog standard clothes from Next or M&S for them and they wear them for as long as they can. I try to put them in the better stuff when we're out and about, particularly somewhere smarter. But out in the garden or the park, who cares 🤷

I see this as a bit as a middle class trend, boys and girls with long tousled hair in need of a good brush, mismatched colourful clothes - slightly wrong sizing, playing out in the mud, in a 'look at how we are creating a whimsical, good old fashioned childhood' (that looks good on instagram)

New clothes and a dinner at an expensive restaurant usually aren’t treats for most kids. If your kids are happy to wear old clothes then as long as they’re clean, warm and comfortable why would you buy them new designer ones? It’s not a treat if the kids don’t want them.

Presumably the kids are treated in other ways such a new toys or books or kid friendly days out and holidays etc?

If the parents are spending money on themselves and literally nothing on the kids and the kids are unhappy then that’s an issue, but if the parents have their kids in old clothes because the kids don’t care about clothes but spend money on other kinds of treats then it’s no issue! What you spend money on in terms of money for the kids and money for the parents doesn’t need to be like-for-like, the parents aren’t buying their kids designer clothes despite buying them for themselves but presumably also aren’t buying themselves a new toy or book or game etc every time they buy one for the child.

I know exactly what you mean but I don't have an issue with it. I was raised to be thrifty but everyone thought we were very wealthy because we're lives in a big house but in reality my parents did not have a large disposable income. I actually think the opposite scenario is even stranger. I have some friends with very little disposable income who view buying servings hand toys and clothes with absolute horror so stretch themselves unnecessary to spend £40 on a child cost when they could get a decent one on eBay for £5-10.

Waterybrook

This is British though. I know upper class Germans, French, Italians, Spanish and Portugese families who would always dress their children in new, smart clothes and not let them be tatty.

But there's a lot of clothing that will lie between "new, smart clothes" and something that's "tatty".
My DCs loved dressing up in smart, new clothes sometimes; at others, they were happy in comfortable, clean, fit-for-purpose clothes that weren't either new or smart but weren't what I'd call tatty.
Much like adults, I suppose.