Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.

I'm well off but I buy second hand things. It's better for the environment and you don't feel bad when kids grow out of clothes or get bored of toys. The second hand uniform shops at the private schools we've gone to do a roaring trade.

My mum helps at our local charity shop. They have far too much stock so they're delighted to sell their products, irrespective of whether the buyer can afford to buy new or not.

Ditto for Vintage and Depop for second hand clothes which are very popular with my teenagers and their friends.

I tend to buy tops slightly bigger so they get longer out of them and I mend items on the whole families clothes if I can.

Teenagers likely won’t accept second hand items, or cheaper Asda/Primark pieces. Makes sense to save the pennies now!

I have always done the dresses into tops thing with my dd. As long as they aren't tight and look ok then I've always thought it's just a brilliant girls clothing hack!

Clothes that are falling apart/look grubby/clearly don't fit more often than not turn into cleaning rags for me!

I do get what you are saying though. I have a friend who is super well off and her children wear clothes until they fall apart. Whilst her and her dh are head to toe Tommy Hilfiger

What's wrong with that? A very kind friend gave me a large quantity of clothes her son had grown out of. My son wore them, he didn't know they weren't "new". When he out grew them I passed them on if they were still in decent condition.

Exactly.

Our earnings have increased
somewhat recently. We aren’t swimming pool rich (far from it!) but when our circumstances changed we were able to finally upgrade our 9 year old car, which meant taking on a car payment again. We also went from almost being mortgage free (in a tiny 2 bed ex council flat that we got really cheap and renovated over a decade) to buying a standard home big enough for our needs; but increasing our outgoings by £850/month.

Basically, we have less left now than when we were poor, because now we have options.

How do you know the mums aren't wearing second hand stuff themselves OP? Second hand doesn't equal shabby. You can buy almost new pristine items on Vinted. I bought a French connection jumper dress from a charity shop the other day - only £4 and you can't tell it's second hand. Kids second hand stuff probably does gets tatty quicker because (if they are like my boys) they fling themselves around doing knee skids, etc!

Also does it occur to you that kids in too small items might just be insisting on wearing them?! I've only just managed to persuade my youngest out of size 9 trainers he was very attached to, even though I could see they were too small, but he is a very stubborn character and I have to pick my battles!

My kids are rarely turned out smartly. Kids should be comfortable and preferably covered in muck from playing outside. Mine “style” themselves so they often look like vagrants, although one of them has a flair for it and always looks incredible. They would be very attached to some of their clothes and wear them past fitting but sometimes wearing small stuff is just my own disorganisation.

I hate the waste generated from kids so we buy a lot second hand and the kids wear hand me downs from their cousins.

It’s just down to priorities, I suppose.

I'm working class and my kid is currently wearing dresses as tops. It's got nothing to do with money for buying new clothes: I love some of those clothes, so many happy memories are bound up in them. I get joy from seeing her in themes You know what I mean?

I don't think it's a class thing. I think it's probably coincidental or even a little bit of judgment on your part (ie, you see those people as rich so you expect them to buy new clothes for their kids and notice when they don't but when your middle or working class friends do the same you don't notice because it's unremarkable).

People who enjoy "nicer" things (of what ever class) may also realise that kids really don't. There's also that.

You mention eating out in expensive places… don’t most kids prefer cheaper food like fast food? Don’t your friends take them to child friendly restaurants like Pizza Express?

They also sometimes pounce on freebies for the kids-toys, books, when the mums who I know would genuinely benefit/need the items don’t get a look in. I’m middle range and do get some second hand things, but I don’t pounce on everything as I feel bad as I know they are some who will need it more than I do. You can’t spend thousands on school fees and travel and then claim you’re hard up

This

You sound jealous tbh

So? Are the kids bothered or is this 'must keep up with the Joneses and I have to buy lots of clothes or I will be judged'

@Createausername1970 There’s nothing wrong with that, my friends and I pass on, but I know when it’s time to shell out clothes for my child

Reminds me of this: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-67571610.amp

We bought a few new bits to fill the gaps for our son, but his wardrobe is 100% hand me downs now.

When he's old enough to express a preference, we'll let him choose some bits (my parents were charity shoppers, and I did find it a bit miserable to never get to pick something new), but happy to stick with mostly secondhand.

I will never forget though the time my mum got really cross when I fell and tore the knee of the second hand branded jeans she got me. She could only have spent a pound or two, and I was howling with gravel in my skin.

People probably consider us to be quite wealthy as we live in a larger-than-average house and our kids go to private school.

We also however give a lot of money to charity so, after that, our disposal income is less than others who earn significantly less. We sacrifice all other luxuries (minimal meals out, clothes, holidays etc) in order to prioritise schooling and charitable giving

Do people judge my kids for wearing cheap clothes? I have no idea.

My teenage niece has worn the same top for about 3 years. Every flipping photo of her I see on Facebook she is wearing the same top whether it's Disney, London or just having an icecream. She even changes into it when she pops into my house after school and she wore it when we went on a weekend break. It's a well travelled top and must now be starting to get threadbare.

I'd love for it to meet some sort of accident or mysterious disappearance.

When i was a child my dad was in business with a very wealthy family. They had a well known surname (being their main business) and also part owned my dad's business. They were all private school educated with accents quite different to ours. We were educated at an average comp. I'm not sure how it came about but my mum used to give the clothes we outgrew to one particular family who had children the same age as us. My mum used to think it was odd they wanted them so a conversation must have taken place where they made it obvious they did. I assume that their priorities differed and their money went largely on education.

I didn't want to bring my DC up expecting the best of everything, because I wanted them to be able to survive on their own earnings, to be independent. I think if DC have too much disposable income as teens it can make it hard budgeting when off to uni or starting a minimum wage job.

I should also say that my kid had a lot of clothes from Ralph Lauren. We live near an outlet and I buy all of her stuff second hand off Facebook market place, after people have bought those items cheap from an outlet. She has two immaculate Ralph Lauren dresses that retail for £60-£100 each that I bought for £2.5 each off marketplace. A friend of mine commented recently that my daughter is "always so immaculate"... in a dress that cost less than a primark dress...looks can be deceiving.

@Januaryisthepits I think with the poorer people, I grew up poor before anyone says anything, because we grew up having to have second hand or nothing, when we have children we don't want them to feel the way we did iyswim. Those richer people imo are not really doing it for anything other than the praise for being so kind and thoughtful. I wonder how the kids feel about watching their parents spend£££ on themselves but buy used for them?

What is wrong with this?

I do kind of get this, although I've voted yabu because I am guilty of keeping my kids' clothes for years and years.

My husband is mega posh and I'm not - when they were little I would be mortified when he dressed them on terrible, unmatching outfits.

As far as I was concerned, their clothes are a marker of me as a mum and it's how people would judge me - how well can I look after them? How healthy are they? How organised and good a mum am I? To him, they were just clothes - he felt completely above judgement. Because that's his privilege as someone who doesn't need to care.

Mine also wear clothes until they are on their last legs. Also wear secondhand and we pass them on to others too. We shop at Aldi and Waitrose. We adults wear decent clothes, we don’t like fast fashion and I have clothes that are over 20yrs old. Children’s clothes last a year at most size wise so what’s the point of spending loads on nee ones. Would prefer they can run about and get messing rather than worry they’ve ruined their ‘designer’ clothes.

We are in this demographic in that we really rarely replace unless worn out and buy secondhand a lot. We are in top 10% of earners. But the difference compared to your sample is we buy secondhand for ourselves as well.

On a personal level I have never cared what others think of me and I know that DH feels the same. Studies have taken place on social class and spending patterns, many compare buying items versus buying experiences and also how people want to be perceived is the big issue.

You will also find that many people who would benefit from buying secondhand won’t. Obviously I expect many people to leap on to this thread with anecdotal evidence. I mean I have but overall it’s a well known trend from a social science perspective. I have not studied this exact phenomena but have done research in to educational outcomes dependant on social class and also taken part in research on poverty and food. People often fall in to patterns of behaviour without realising it can be predictable, though there are always outliers.

If you want a great example of how the harder up put great stock on new clothes watch Raining Stones by Ken Loach. The whole film plus a comment by the Priest nails spending patterns.