Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

Thank you, @thirdistheonewiththehairychest I appreciate that

@Isthisexpected are you really saying that richer people are more ethical?

This final sentence is spot on. It doesn’t matter how much a parent might love sushi and a well fitted blazer. My v. Average 5 year old loves fries + Spider-Man + his too small dinosaur hoodie. Why on earth would someone mess with that happy 5yo bubble just to project something else to the world!

It’s about priorities, isn’t it? I have spent, thanks to my children, a lot of time with young performers. Musicians who carry an instrument worth far more than their family’s car, wearing worn out trousers and jumpers that are short at the wrist. Ballerinas who wear tatty joggers and holed tights for the daily lessons that cost so much, and whose whose pointe shoes cost several more than their outfits and need replacing on a timescale often measured in weeks. If you move in those groups, such things seem entirely normal. From outside, the parents’ priorities must look bizarre.

Truly, other kids do know if kids are dressed unfashionably, even in primary. I was bullied and I receive comments about it, and that was in the 80s. It'll be even worse for kids now. Also, adults know and assume something's going on at home.

It's neglect, whatever the reasoning behind it.

There's been threads before on this. Likewise when kids are fed turkey twizzlers and chips and the parents are eating organic.

Presumably that's only one or two garments right? There's a big differemce betweem a child who occasionally wears an item with a pen mark, and a child who appears to have nothing to wear that isn't stained/faded/heavily worn.

My youngest dd is heavy on her clothes, most tees & jumpers will have a pen mark somewhere & some things are faded as she likes things very soft. I don’t think anyone has judged any of my dc, well no one that matters.

Other kids (by about 8 or something) and adults do, though, and treat badly dressed children differently.

This is definitely not universal but probably just as class-based as the original behaviour. In my kids' school the culture is very champagne socialist upper MC and a new student in what the OP would probably think 'good' (visibly new, branded designer etc.) clothes and expensive elaborate haircut would be the one marked out as Not Our Sort.

Secondhand nowadays can mean it hasn't even been worn or maybe has been worn once. A long time ago secondhand clothes were literally worn out.

If you ask those parents I’d say they prioritise hobbies/ experiences etc for the kids instead. My sil looks for even fiver or tenners worth of vouchers from department stores for her birthday and for Christmas and let’s them build up, plus is great at nabbing deals so the people you know may not be spending all the money on themselves!

Depends on the clothing but I think you are conflating the issue. I don’t think anyone has said it’s ok to dress your dc in rags. I also think it depends on your peer group as to what dc notice.

This is absolutely true. Musician children note your new bow, not your trousers - and in the ballet world equally, what is noticed is your flat turnout, not the coat you pit on to go home.

Truly, other kids do know if kids are dressed unfashionably, even in primary. I was bullied and I receive comments about it, and that was in the 80s

kids are generally bullied for being different & what’s considered fashionable in one area could easily be different in another.

This is exactly my experience too.

so if I buy myself expensive, designer clothes, because I like them, it's not okay to buy my child clothes from ASDA (bearing in mind they don't have a clue what brand they are)

The scruffy ill fitting mismatched frugi/boden clothes and messy hair are like the middle class kids uniform around here and has been for years and years, I think it's just the look they're going for and nothing to do with being environmentally friendly or saving money, it's just to fit in with the other middle class families. Weird but whatever

No, it is not if itself neglect. You have to look at the whole picture. Immaculate clothing but parked on a tablet or phone all day, never played with vs stained clean clothing and a rich family life of hobbies, conversation and activities? Which is neglect?

One of scruffiest dc I know lives in a 3.5m pound house with a swimming pool. He doesn’t get bullied for wearing faded clothes, unsurprisingly he’s very popular particularly in the summer months. DC aren’t stupid, my 8 yr old knows this child is much richer than her without having to zoopla his house 😆

Agree. To each his own

They have an awareness of what they’re wearing, eating etc and might like to spend money on those things. Kids often don’t register what they’re wearing, get it dirty etc. I’m sure they’ll have teenagers demanding specific things soon enough - why waste money on it earlier than necessary?

No, they have to come from Vinted not Asda, if they come from Vinted it doesn't matter where your clothes come from, though obviously Vinted is preferable.

There's been threads before on this. Likewise when kids are fed turkey twizzlers and chips and the parents are eating organic.

there’s no nuance here though. I often organic but still love my childhood favourites mint Vienetta & those mini kiev things

Not wealthy but I always keep the nicer dresses to use as tunics when my DD grows out of something. I don't do it with everything but my girls have had such beautiful pieces over the years (and have had such little wear out of them) that it seems a shame to not be able to use them.

I have an older DD who has had dresses that became tunics that got passed down to DD2 as a dress and then a tunic and then passed on the my niece. Some of these have been hand me downs to begin with but may have only ever been worn a handful of times by each child.

I think other kids do know what's unfashionable (amongst kids at least) -obviously, as they will all tend to wear those clothes that other kids are wearing, at least the same brands etc, because parents who are considerate of trying to avoid at much as possible their child being bullied. So kids will notice if someone is wearing something different.

IDK if charity shops were as good in the 80s- even now, of course clothes in charity shops are usually not as fashionable or modern.

Even charity shops- some parents might not bother. Our clothes were often off my uncle's nasty second hand market stall.

There are many forms of neglect.

The OP's post mentions kids in ill-fitting clothes whilst the parents splash money on themselves. Maybe some kids won't notice or care but I can assure you, as a child in a family of children who was treated like this, most kids do notice and care.

I think other kids do know what's unfashionable (amongst kids at least) -obviously, as they will all tend to wear those clothes that other kids are wearing, at least the same brands etc, because parents who are considerate of trying to avoid at much as possible their child being bullied. So kids will notice if someone is wearing something different.

you can’t extrapolate that to everywhere though. Where do you live out if interest? As a teenager for me I wanted to have clothes that were different to my peers, all the teenagers who cared about clothes did, it’s a big reason why vintage is a thing.
Dressing your dc the same as everyone else is not going to stop them getting bullied but I suppose it gives some parents a security blanket.