Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

No, but it definitely will help/can't hurt if you don't look different in that particular way. The more someone seems different in any way, the more they risk being bullied. If you are different in multiple ways, you'll probably get bullied more than someone who's only different in one way. And why risk subjecting kids to that more, anyway?

How many times though, what is considered different depends a lot on your peers. The OP says all of the wealthy families do the same so the dc in the faded clothes aren’t going to be different in the first place.
As I already said I think bullying is quite complex because you often see a dc being bullied for one thing that makes another dc seen in a positive light. I don’t have angst about bullying though & it’s not something that ever crosses my mind when making decisions for my dc.

YABU if the children are happy it doesn’t matter about the clothes being made old.

At most private schools/schools in expensive catchments the 2nd hand uniform stall is super popular. Cliche but true.

This thread is certainly showing that people think that old clothes are a sign of being well off, so much competition of who can cram their DC into the oldest clothes, not buy any clothes themselves apart from routling in the charity shops and mentioning expensive hobbies and a large house at every opportunity

As long as the kids are in clean clothes appropriate for the weather conditions, who cares? But I think I agree, this one of those weird British class things. The upper middle/upper classes don't need their kids to look smart. They don't care what other people think about themselves or their kids because they don't need to. They're not worried about anyone thinking less of them, or looking "poor". They can spend £1.5k on coat for themselves that will last years and years, but understandably think it's madness to do the same for a child who will soon grow out of it. They may work and socialise in circles where smart dress and appearance for adults is the norm, but kids aren't expected to be smart. And kids don't often care about being smart, they're just happy being comfortable, so there's zero pressure to dress kids smartly. They could write a reverse post along the lines of "All the mums at my kids school dress their children in new clothes, make sure hair is styled everyday etc, but why do they bother? And they have less money than us, so why are they buying their kids whole new wardrobes every few months? Won't second hand and hand-me-downs do, it's fine enough for our kids?" Without realising that they have lead a privileged existence where there's zero social or cultural reason for them to try and avoid looking poor.

People probably think this about me.
I but my kids beautiful clothes and they wear the tattiest oldest thing and refuse to let me throw it away. My 9 year old is exceptionally thin and can still fit in age 5 things so just keeps wearing the same thing. I have to lie and say it fell apart sometimes.

Why does it matter to you? If you think the children are being neglected contact social services. If not, mind your own business.
Unless you are privy to the families short and long term financial situation, you have no idea about their disposable income. They may also have different priorities to you, which us totally fine, unless children are neglected. And also, are you privy to the children's own preferences, sensory issues etc? Some children like to keep wearing old clothes and dislike anything new. They feel safer and more comfortable in familiar clothes.
I have average income. One of my children went through a phase of wearing clothes that were too small for her. Despite my concerns (has anyone read We need to talk about Kevin) I leith it go. She had a cupboard of clothes at home but always close these same tight ones etc. She has thankfully grown put of it now. (No punt intended).

I don’t have angst about bullying though & it’s not something that ever crosses my mind when making decisions for my dc.

@decisionssmecisions It'd be virtually my first priority. Bullying is so damaging to people's mental health. The effects can be for life.

And also, are you privy to the children's own preferences, sensory issues etc? Some children like to keep wearing old clothes and dislike anything new. They feel safer and more comfortable in familiar clothes.

I get that sensory issues can be a different thing (thought I'd still try and get any kid of mine, especially if they already risk bullying, to look as much like other kids as possible) but if NT children want to look crap and risk people thinking they're a trampy weirdo, like with every decision, it's the parents that should decide for the child's welfare. They're children, their judgement isn't the same as a grown up.

I’m slightly worried about all the references to “clean”… by the time we have got anywhere it’s 50:50 whether the clothes are already filthy.

Are you the same poster who started a thread because she was “worried” about her friend eating M&S food but giving her children Asda basics fish fingers and so on. It was so mean, so unfair… frankly, the whole thing was batshit.

Kids don’t give a damn about whether their food comes from M&S or Asda - and most of the time, they don’t care that they’ve had the same clothes for a while. Maybe it will be different once they become teenagers, but for now, it isn’t going to be an issue.

If you want to feel sorry for children, wail about unfairness and so on, worry about kids who have nothing; kids who are genuinely mistreated. “Waaahhh, my romper suit isn’t from Gucci!” isn’t really going to get Social Services in a panic.

Single mum here (and nurse working FT). My parents (born in the 30's and 40's) were wealthy but we always passed clothing on to cousins or younger siblings - and stuff handed to us from older siblings/cousins. My parents didn't like waste, and their parents were the same. My mum made and mended a lot of clothes for us too (often would use fabric from pre-loved things), but she was a very talented seamstress. "New outfits" from shops, were a rarity: we might get these as a present at Christmas or Easter. We were always clean and neatly turned out for school or special events...but we could play in the mud/climb trees etc without getting in trouble for trashing "smart clothes". My parents didn't care for designer clothing, massive houses, expensive restaurants or flash cars: education (ours and that of others - they helped many people back home who wouldn't have been able to get a solid education) was their thing, and hobbies/cultural things too. School shoes (which would double up as "smart shoes") and underwear we got brand new. We also got new things if hand me downs were outgrown.

Now I'm a parent, I do similar. I don't have anywhere near the income my parents (now sadly RIP) had, but me/relatives/friends pass things on/share things, look in charity shops or eBay (rather than buying new) etc. For ourselves as well as our kids. Just because something is secondhand, it doesn't make it bad, ill-fitting or tatty, you can get some lovely things. I don't let my kids run around in torn/worn out/poorly fitting shoes and clothes. I put aside money (or save money up) to afford school trips for the kids and educational things. We don't go overseas for holidays, but will do lots of camping trips in UK. I will pay for us to go to the theatre/opera/gigs when tickets aren't expensive. My eldest has a cheap gym membership, my youngest has swimming lessons. When the kids get to the same size as me for shoes or clothes, I buy more expensive ones (then I can have them once the kids outgrow them!). Example: When DC1 was younger, I got him some Birkenstock sandals (he wanted some): I bought the real deal as he was the same size as me. When he outgrew them, I had them. When DC1 was little, I bought him a lovely winter coat that went to my friend's kids when he outgrew it....and then passed back to my youngest, and now passed to another friend's youngest. Five different kids have got good use out of it over the years, and it's in perfect condition still. We do the same with toys and books. I used to cut the kids' hair myself when they were younger. Now my eldest will go to a barber as he prefers the styles they do but my youngest likes me to trim her hair. I get my hair cut as I can't do it myself and the kids are too scared to try trimming it!! I don't get my nails done, I don't wear makeup often. I don't have beauty treatments or posh lunches. I rarely buy or drink alcohol and I don't smoke. Eating out is a rarity, as I'm lucky enough to be able to cook/make things at home. Food shopping will vary: I don't buy all my groceries in Lidl or Aldi, and I definitely don't buy it all in Waitrose or M+S!! It will vary according to what I find better quality and isn't going to break the bank!

Neither my parents, nor my friends, nor I, are trying to pretend we're poor. We're all very lucky to be able to afford a roof over our heads, heating, food. We're just trying to reduce spending, reduce waste and help each other out. Kids grow so fast, so if we were to all buy new things ( even if cheap), then that would still cost quite a bit.

Me too. My best friends mother made my daughter a beautiful Mexican folk dress for her first birthday. She wore it as a long dress a mid dress then a tunic till she was 8 lol. It kills me she can't wear it anymore.

Do you want them to get designer clothes for the kids, that they will outgrow in 6 months?

Your argument makes no sense. It is sensible to not spend too much on kids clothing, because realistically, its not gonna last long.

Im not sure if you are advocating highlights for the kids... or suggesting that if they dont buy designer clothes for their kids, then they also shouldnt be eating at good restaurants...

YABVU

When people insist upon themselves, it becomes annoying.
So, the parents who 'only' dress their kids in designer, over priced clothes and make sure to tell you it or don't let their kids get messy because of it.

The other end of the scale of parents who insist on having their children in old, washed out clothes, when they can clearly afford new themselves.

My kids have a mix of expensive and cheaper clothes. I'm not precious about them running wild and getting muddy (apart from a few certain outfits) I always make sure that they look nice and cared for. I really enjoy buying their clothes and like to see that they are well/appropriately dressed. It's odd to me when other parents don't care, but we're all different.

But nobody in the middle class parents circle thinks their child is a trampy weirdo. Not the kids friends and not the adults, and they don't spend a second worrying about what those outside their social circle think. When the kids ARE old enough to care, the expensive new clothes magically appear.

(thought I'd still try and get any kid of mine, especially if they already risk bullying, to look as much like other kids as possible) but if NT children want to look crap and risk people thinking they're a trampy weirdo

Pretty much every word of this is the opposite of what I want to teach my children

I rarely buy my kids new clothes. They like sports labels so I get them second hand! Pretty much everything they wear is second hand and my younger boy wears his older brother’s hand me downs a lot. I don’t see the point spending lots on clothes that will be ruined within 5 minutes of leaving the house! Not spending loads on their clothes means I’m relaxed about them getting dirty or holes in - which surely is better for my kids than me telling them to be careful.

I do buy myself expensive clothes but I also wear second hand. I won’t grow out of my new trainers in 3 months though or spill bolognaise all over my brand new t shirt! We have far better things to spend all our money on than clothes for our kids; as long as they’re weather appropriate and happy with what they’re wearing, I’m happy!!

I agree with this, I have seen it. Some mums prefer to spend only on themselves and some prefer to spend on their dc or have the perfect balance.

Haha this is wild.
I made friends with some amazing women who were worse off financially than I am.

They showed me charity shops, lidl etc. I shared with them the goodies I had from fortnums, nice cuts of fish, amazing fruit from markets.

We both shared our time, lifestyles, tips, bakes, veg from allotment/garden. We hung out so it'd be a bit rude of me to not get involved in their life or not buy secondhand when in the shops with her idk that's wild. Don't charity shops need the foot traffic anyway?

OP - what a weird post. I am not sure what your point is or why it’s so difficult for you to understand what a majority of posters have tried to explain.

My husband and I both are high earners. Most of my clothes, shoes and bags are designer (I earn enough to buy them and choose to spend my money on them). Most of my DC clothes, shoes and bags are second hand or hand me downs. They don’t care and I don’t care to spend £££ on stuff I know from experience they will ultimately outgrow, likely destroy or inevitably lose.

Instead we choose to spend our £££ on holidays, private school, extracurriculars and raising them in a comfortable and safe house. Just as others with similar/more/less income could choose to spend on other stuff. We have different priorities and I’m not sure why how new/old/designer mine or my kids clothes are affects you so much. And yes, we shop in Lidl because I don’t see the point in spending more for quality that’s more or less the same (sometimes better) as Waitrose. Equally I have family and friends on much lower income than me who do their weekly food shop at M&S. It’s never crossed my mind that they “should” shop elsewhere because it’s none of my business.

Why would you even notice/care where people shop? I genuinely don’t notice or care what clothes other people’s kids have on unless they are inappropriately dressed (e.g. no coat when it’s freezing or a hoodie in a heatwave), in which case I’d worry about potential neglect. How faded/old the clothes were wouldn’t register. I’m so confused by your OP post and each subsequent one where you try to explain (despite the majority of voters saying YABU) confuses me even more……

@WandaWonder I don't understand what you mean - this reply makes no sense to me. Did you mean to reply to someone else?

We also put our money into our house, pensions and lots of sports for the kids. We like city breaks and weekends away and meals out every so often. I’d rather my children were set up for life (education, property etc) than fritter my money away on expensive clothes they’ll destroy or grow out of or lose. I don’t care what other people think - if they think we’re poor or wealthy or whatever!

I think this is several things

Personal priorities, not worrying that someone will be judging you for not being able to afford new things and also its now much more popular to buy preloved items and not waste so much. I use things until they look shabby and keep a couple of bits for messy things but generally I get new things as needed usually new as by the time things are needed I've not the time to search for peelived things in the sizes needed or for the occasion it's needed for.

@OvercookedSmile this is interesting to me for sure. I am from a Middle class upbringing where mum was heavily focused on how her parenting was perceived (she was single and raised by a horrendously judgmental mother).

I married someone from a council estate, whose family were too poor for designer gear. If it was in the house, his mum would sell it for cigs.

We now have 2 DDs together and just put them in whatever they like and we are hugely grateful of second hand stuff. We have tried to instill their worth on them (and my DH and me) on who we are, what we are like as individuals, and how we behave towards others, there is no facade at all- my DM struggles hugely with this and comments on it. We do not earn much, so not like yourselves, at all, but we are always praised for our lovely home, warm hospitality, openness and care and our polite and kind children. - that is how we want to be perceived and it has worked.

Am going to check out the raining stones documentary.