Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

I think all the people who say they don't care what people think are missing the point. You don't care because you've never had to care! I grew up relatively poor. Making sure we were clean and well dressed was really important to my mum, and my granny. If we din't look well turned out, people might think we were being neglected and call social services. Outward appearances were very important, wasn't it a line in Shameless, you "butter the edges? But my DH comes from money, his, and his family's attitude to appearances is so different. He'll dress smartly when he's going in to the office, or out for a nice meal, but tbh, a lot of the time he's very very scruffy. He's never worried about what people think, he's never had to, his friends are the same. He's happy for our children to be similar, which was an adjustment for me but I've rolled with it as it's easier, and now, I don't need to care either.

OP, I totally get what you’re saying and something similar crossed my mind just earlier as I was driving through a fancier part of town; the people emerging from the houses I could never dream of owning looking unkempt, weathered, mismatched. All adjectives that I’d be mortified to learn someone would use to describe me or my child. I, however, grew up on a council estate and am myself a single parent, and so my parents during my childhood, and I contemporarily, go to not great but good lengths to ensure the offspring are always well presented. Looking shabby just isn’t something our ilk can get away with, I’m afraid.

There is a lot to be said for the quiet confidence that wealth and privilege bring. Of being above judgement - or simply not giving two fucks about it - because it just doesn’t matter. Poverty, relative or absolute, on the other hand comes laden with countless shortcomings, and fearing the scathing looks, whispers, judgements of others is right there at the top. More frightening to some than having a few empty cupboards.

I think what you’ve observed is just another class marker in our perpetually unequal society.

Ignore the people on here who choose to be deliberately obtuse. I swear it’s just another signifier of those with more money than sense; they’ve nothing better to do so deliberately miss the point and harp on about it, oblivious to their own obnoxiousness because, again, what does it matter?!

I hear you and see the parents you’ve described. And I think it’s weird too, but moreso that they don’t see themselves how fortunate they are to dress their children so tattily and not even care.

As to being in schools where all their peers dress trampy as well, well that would be fair enough. But even most middle class/lower middle class people don't have their kids in a school like that. I'dve thought most kids are at comps where there are a wide range from posh to not. So the level of the clothes most wear will be the financial level of the majority of the kids, which wouldn't all be middle class or whatever. I also think nowadays more kids care about these things.

And presumably you occasionally will have your children meet children outside your peers' financial grade.

I’d rather my children were set up for life (education, property etc)

I don't think anyone would disagree with that also being a priority/being more important.

They’re part of a club! It’s what the want to be seen as rich middle classes do.

You might not want to swap places with these parents you think are richer than you but you really do sound horribly jealous of their (assumed) wealth and judgy about how they spend it.

It is absolutely none of your business whether their kids clothes have been worn for a year or 2 by themselves or another kid before, nor how much they cost. Whenever anyone makes a good point about so long as the kids clean and comfortable and happy you jump in with "But but BUT the adults have nice/expensive clothes!" That seems to be what it's really all about for you, not about the kids' welfare at all.
Again it is absolutely none of your business where others shop for food. It shouldn't affect you or anyone else in any way, but you are letting it affect you.

Have you had some incident with these parents that's making you feel bad, or are you just being a judgy snob and trying to get others to join in?

The only way wearing older clothes will adversely affect those kids is if people like you bring a problem or encourage other children to do so.

Wind your judgy neck in and concentrate on your own life and positive things.

Oh yes kids will eventually care, so that's when the parents will start spending money on them. You do not see wealthy kids looking tatty in second hand clothes in Secondary School. It's mainly a younger kid thing, before they're old enough to bother, and before they choose the clothes that are bought for them.

Also people with money don’t care what other people think about them. Those who want to impress are the parents spending more than they can comfortably afford on over the top designer stuff for their children to wear to impress people.

pretty much sounds like us. Now my DD15 has stopped growing, I will buy her a few nicer things, but would expect them to worn 'til destruction. I expect some people would have a heart attack if they knew what we spent on our holidays. Each to their own

Agree OP. I know a family like this and personally find it really offputting.

The adults are the ones earning the money. When the kids earn the money, they can get treats and nice things too.

nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items

For some reason this put me in mind of the mad vegans who claim non-vegans eating vegan is ‘cultural appropriation’, or somehow unfair to vegans. 😂

It'd be virtually my first priority. Bullying is so damaging to people's mental health. The effects can be for life.

Ive not said bullying isn’t damaging, I simply said it’s not on my radar.

* but if NT children want to look crap and risk people thinking they're a trampy weirdo*

this says far more about you then the children you are judging.

@Januaryisthepits

fyi OP - children can’t have highlights

hth

Sometimes when DS1 looks like he's worn the same thing for years, it's because he grows from the legs so can get years from shorts before they disintegrate or look like hotpants and have to be disappeared. Sometimes it's because he loves something and I buy multiples in different sizes. He's got a signiture jumper that he's been wearing for about 7 years, started with age 8s and is now in age 14s. DS2 has often chosen something the same as DS1 and gets the hand me down in the next size up.

If they don't want to wear something, they won't. They do tend to wear favourites until they can't. They're too lanky to look smart as the width: length ratios are wrong in standard sizing. By the time clothes stop sagging off and they fill waists and shoulders, they tend to be getting somewhat skimpy on length.

I'm not motivated by brands for the sake of it. I like practicality. The DCs tend to be similar so far. DS1 is autistic and is all about comfort and not at all about image. DS2 is not currently motivated by brands, but at his request, did get a football shirt for Christmas. There's a balance to be had.

When navigating secondary transition, for things like coats and bags, I've erred on plain and unobtrusive until they work out what they want. Clearly being "the wrong" brand is worse than being incognito.

It makes sense to get use of of things then pass them on. The world has finite resources and it's best to make the most of what we have then let others get use from them.

You're noticing a difference in class not necessarily income or wealth

Really posh people don't even feed their kids in the same room as them let alone the same food. Chicken nuggets in the nursery whilst they have game pie in the dining room

Far worse when skint single parents saying they can't afford to feed their kids are having hairdos, tatts, piercings

There is a free helping page on fb, to help people to have totally nothing at Christmas. One women who drives a Merc, large 5 bedroom house, lips done, husband with great job. Well she was bagging a lot of the items, turns out she was selling them on the marketplace fb page. Now this caused a huge row. Totally rude and greedy!!

The kids have a private swimming pool and private school, probably loads of expensive holidays and opportunities of all kinds. I'm sure they don't feel deprived. (Talking about most children of rich families - of course there will be the odd genuinely neglected one)

I grew up in the sort of household where it mattered what we wore. As others have said, it was about the feeling that we couldn't get away with it. Mother wanted us nicely turned out because she didn't want people commenting that we weren't. And I get that, I really do BUT...
As a young child I hated it. We didn't have anything we didn't have to look after or be careful in, because we were looking nice on a budget and cheap supermarket clothes weren't a thing then. I was the kid sitting very still on the playground on the day I wore new shoes in fear of the calamity of getting a scuff. I get why, I really do. It still sucked. And it sucked that my mother would later be the first to tell me l cared too much about what others thought after years of me hearing about 'what will the neighbours think?'. What did she expect? She brought me up to believe everyone was taken notes and judging accordingly, which TBF, they probably were. Up until I was around 10, I used to ask her every morning that wasn't school uniform what I should wear, because if I picked myself it was always wrong: "Not that top, it was a present, you will get it dirty. Not that skirt, it's for best.". When I started caring, as teenage girls do, it was, 'why do you care?'

I would have given anything for parents that didn't have to worry about what next door thought about my outfit. I would have loved to have clothes with holes in that I could play in. I wouldn't have wondered why my parents dressed in fancy outfits or had the best whilst I was in second-hand, I would have loved to not have had to care about keeping things 'nice'.

I think you are upset at the wrong people, OP. You should be upset about the people who judge poorer parents for things wealthier parents don't get judged for, not judging the parents who have the luxury of being able to dress their happy, healthy kids in stuff they can muck about in without having to worry about it. It's absolutely a class thing and it shouldn't be the case that working class mothers like my own lived in such constant fear of negative judgement.

Imagine that, but some
people don’t see themselves as martyrs to their offspring. I doubt the kids give two shits about the clothes. Let’s be honest, the people who spaff tonnes of money on their kids clothes do this for themselves, not the kids.

I’m not wealthy - but I do exactly the same thing with my child. She always looks good when it comes to events but why spend so much money on clothes that they row out of?

Now that my daughter is a teen I let her pick her clothes and I buy more often as she has more places to “dress for” and she doesn’t damage her clothes as much as she once did.

All of this is a mindset - it has nothing to do with rich or poor. It’s all about what you want to prioritise. I have friends on benefits with multiple children that spend so much money on designer clothes for their children but then they don’t prioritie experiences (which personally I think is much more valuable! My dd is a teen and she will remember a place we went to when she was 5 over a designer outfit. Infact I learnt very quickly that a designer outfit would last one or two wears whereas she would happily be in leggings and a comfy dress all day long - because children just ply around).

I do lots of work in ethical clothing and the truth is there is too much clothes in this world - so much to go around that I wouldn’t even worry about the rich taking from the poor in that sense.

So no child under 16 deserves nice things and treats because they can't pay for it? That's a rather odd outlook.

That is a very important point and real fear. When you're poor, it's not just about not looking poor, it's about not looking neglectful and raising concerns either. Sadly, not only certain "signs" get dismissed and ignored when it's a well off family/family of professionals, but it's also a lot easier to alleviate those concerns .

Also if I buy a £300 dress for myself, that is likely to last a life time or years (depending on weight and body changes).

If I buy a £300 dress for a 5 year old - that will not last more than 6 months (and probably will get a 1 or 2 wears).

@porridgeisbae
I am speechless. How could you described a child as looking like "crap", or "a trampy weirdo"??. No wonder you are concerned about bullies - if you think other people think like this. Thankfully you are in a minority.